My English Blog

My son's almost 4 months already

2007-11-15T16:17:00.000-03:00

Time has gone by so quickly! My little M will be 4 months old on monday!

I'm back to work (for more than a month), although I negociated with my boss that I could stay only until 2 pm and then work from my house.

My son's is really really delicious! He "talks" a lot, smiles a lot, and is constantly moving his legs, he's so cute!!!

I really can't write much longer now but I wanted to thank Marie for being worried about the earthquake of yesterday here in my country. It was really very far away from where I leave (I think more than 2,000 km) so I only felt a little "wave" that felt like dizziness.

Unfortunately there were 2 deads, and some serious damage, but well...nature's nature...

Hope to write more soon. In the meantime, a picture of my baby!!

Manuel is already 2 months old!

2007-09-28T23:58:00.000-04:00

Well, I have been really away from this blogger world, but motherhood leaves so little time!

My precious Manuel is now 2 months and 10 days old, he's absolutely adorable, he has learned to smile and gives me his best faces when he sees me, it's so rewarding!

For the 3 last nights, he has been sleeping all night long (sort of, he goes to sleep at around 1 AM and wakes up at around 7 - 7.30 am), so I'm very grateful for that!

I haven't lost much weight, which has me a little down and furious, even though I've been controlling what I eat and have been going to the gym, I still look like 5 months pregnant, it's very frustrating.

I'm going back to work in less than 2 weeks and I really don't want to go back!! But there's nothing I can do about it, my income represents about 60% of the family income so we can't afford to live without my wage. I plan though, to talk to my boss to see if I can work less hours, because if not I really think I won't be able to get through it.

Things with my husband has been a little roughy, it's difficult to adjust our lives to our new status, but all in all we've managed I think. I also think I'm a little less patient or a little more angry, I think it must be hormones! LOL!

Well, that's what's been going on with my life on these 2 months, hope I can catch up with your blogs! To sum up, Manuel is by far the best thing that has happened in my life, I look at him every day and I'm so grateful to God for sending me this little angel, I love him with all my heart and I'm really REALLY happy!!

Manuel's Birth Story

2007-07-29T22:22:00.000-04:00

Things were going pretty normal over my last weeks of pregnancy. This is, after week 36.5, when an u/s confirmed that he was on the right position (heads down).
I had sporadic contractions, nothing special.
On tuesday, July 17th, I had an appointment with the midwife, who monitored the baby's heartrate and eventual contractions. Baby was doing fine but there were no contractions on the almost 1 hour I was monitored. However, she said the baby was probably going to be born on the next weekend, specially considering I was having an appointment with the OB/GYN on thursday and he was going to check on my cervix and therefore that would stimulate the process.

But little M apparently didn't want anyone to hurry him, so he decided to hurry himself. That same tuesday, or more precisely at 3 am on wednesday, I started having huge contractions...painful contractions, between 5 to 10 minutes apart for about an hour, and then about 30 minutes apart for a couple hours, then 20 and then stabilized in 12-15 minutes for the rest of the night. You can imagine it wasn't a very nice night, because every contraction woke me up, it was pretty horrible. So I called the midwife in the morning and went to see her at about noon. She checked on me and my cervix was 50% effaced, so I had had effective contractions, but considering they were 12-15 minutes apart, I wasn't in labor yet and she told me to have some medicines for the pain, and to see the ob/gyn the next day as programed.

Problem is, contractions continued all afternoon, and by 1.30 in the morning of thursday I was in deep pain and really worried about how was I going to hang on until a decent hour to call either the midwife or the ob/gyn. From that moment on, contraction were more like 10 minutes apart very painful, so I never slept for more than 10 minutes in a row.

Finally, at about 9 in the morning I called my doctor, told him what I was going through but told him that I was aware that I was not in labor (because of the frequency of the contractions), but needed urgently something to ease the pain, so he told me to take some other medicine and see him at 2 o'clock (as programmed, again).

That waiting until 2 o'clock was very difficult, specially because since about 12 o'clock contractions started being more like 6-8 minutes apart.

Well, I went to the doctor, he checked on me and I was already 90% effaced and 2 cm dilated, so he FINALLY sent me to the hospital! (his office is in another place), although he considered at that moment that I had a lousy tolerance to pain, which hurt me a little because I was really in huge pain.
Anyway, I arrived to the hospital at around 3.15 pm (my wonderful husband was with me at all times, when I went to the midwife, both times, when I went to the doctor...always with me, behaving wonderfully), and met the midwife there, who checked me (which was SO painful, considering the huge contractions I was having at that time) and she was like "oh yes, you've progressed a lot since yesterday, you really did have contractions", and I was like "told you!"..so then to pre-labor, where the amniotic liquid was taken out of me (MORE AND MORE PAIN), and then I was administrated the epidural (I thought I wasn't going to be able to stand the pain of the contractions while being in a fetal position and having that big needle crossing my back, but I survived!) and I started feeling A LOT better (this was around 4.45 pm).

In the meantime, families and friends had been warned, and while waiting to be more dilated, I could be with them...thing is, about 5 minutes after the epidural, the midwife checked on me and I was 3-4 dilated...some 20-30 minutes went by and I was already 6 cm...so the midwife said the baby was going to be born around 7 pm. But by 5.45 I was already completely dilated, so they called the doctor, the pediatrician, and things started to move around me (they were transforming the room into a labor room)...some times the midwife told me to push, and there I was, feeling the baby's head in my lower vagina...almost waiting for the doctors to be ready!

The doctor arrived a little past 6, and then it was "push" (head went out), "push", and pum! the baby was out!!! It was unbelievable!! He was with his eyes wide open!! And so cute!!!

Well, they measured him, made him breathe and gave him to me (my husband took him to me)...it was really a great great unforgettable moment...after a while they dressed him and the re-transformed the room again, so my family and E's family could come and see the baby...

After a while I was taken to my definitive room, always with my baby in my arms....I stayed there 3 nights, had a LOT of visitors....E was wonderful all the time, stayed with me, attended the visitors...I felt great, I had a couple stitches that still bother me a little, but nothing special.

I think the only "negative" thing is how tired I am, because after 2 nights of not sleeping, I was exhausted the day M was born, but couldn't sleep well because I was so excited (so E and I spend half the night recalling the events), and the following nights I have to feed M, so I haven't been able to have a good night's sleep for the last 2 weeks...

But really? it's all MORE than worth it, my son is INCREDIBLE, I'm so in love with him. My husband is the best of all, he has been so helpful and wonderful....I have so many people that care about us and have visited us...so I'm so grateful for this whole experience, and I haven't stopped thanking God for allowing me to finally be a mother of such a fantastic baby!!!

Meet little M

2007-07-29T22:17:00.000-04:00

I've been dissapeared for a long time, mainly because I was a lot out of my house...and then well, my precious baby was born, on thursday july 19th.

Here's a picture of him...he's really wonderful!!!

Birth story in another post!

Bottom-down position

2007-06-19T16:32:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I went to the OB/GYN, everything's ok with me, sugar levels, biochemical levels, blood levels....but little M hasn't turned around yet, he's still bottom-down! E baptised him "little buda", regarding his "sitting" position!

I'm a little worried, at 34 weeks most babies have already turned around (doctor said something like 85%-90% of the babies)...he says there's still a chance he can turn, but if by week 36-37 he's still bottom-down, we'll have to schedule a c-section....and I really don't like that idea! I mean, I know there's a lot of women who have c-sections all the time, but I still prefer the vaginal birth!!!

In fact, last night I had a really hard time going to sleep, thinking about all this....well, I know there's still a chance he turns around, but something tells me he'll stay just like that until the end...

I've read some "techniques", like crawling or putting a light in the lower abdomen, but then I think I may be forcing destiny and that something bad may happen if I try to force things....but then again, I think I should take the opportunities I have and do whatever I can to make little M turn around...so there I am, anxious, nervous, scared...and a little angry because AGAIN things are more difficult for me than for my friends, who have had easy labors and of course, all vaginal!! But then again, it's never good to be always comparing to the rest...so I'll try to focus in my own pregnancy and my own feelings!

Sorry I'm a little disperse today....

First maternity leave day!

2007-06-04T18:05:00.000-04:00

Today is officially my first day at home (last weekend doesn't count)...it's been great! Although I admit it's hard to get used to this new lifestyle, I mean I still feel I'm running to do things, when I have more than 1.5 months to do everything!

Anyway, it's been very relaxing, specially because I know I still have plenty of time!!

I'm still working from home, that was the agreement. See, in my country, maternity leave is payed, that means you continue to receive your whole income (payed by the state), but it has a limit, and my income is above that limit, so I had to negociate with my boss (= uncle) that the company would pay me the difference so I could receive my whole income. This is pretty common, because it's very unfair that people with higher incomes must see their budget reduced. At least I can't afford to live with half of my income for nearly 5 months!...specially considering my income represents about 60% of our total house income!

So, that explanation was to say that I told my uncle I would still be connected from home, and will continue working my whole leave...of course it's different and everybody at my office knows I'm "out", so they don't bother me (or at least haven't today) as always!!

I'm going now to an U/S!!!! friday I went to the doctor, he found me ok, only my BP he considered was a little high (130/80) but I'm sure it was because I was so nervous because he was going to check my cervix and all....but well...oh! and last week I also took a glucose test, it was down to 99 (the limit!), so I was very happy!!

So that's how I'm doing, will update with the U/S results, I'm pretty excited considering I haven't seen little M since week 23 (now I'm at week 32!)....

See ya!!

Last working week!!

2007-05-28T11:05:00.000-04:00

This must be one of the few mondays in my life when I'm not hating the fact it's monday..LOL, that's because this is my last working monday before my maternity leave! I'm so happy, I am REALLY tired, I'm not sleeping well at all, I keep waking up in the middle of the night, not only to go peeing, but also because I'm having a hard time finding a comfortable position. It seems when I sleep to my right side, I press something because then I wake up with a huge pain...to the left side, I feel a little uncomfortable, my left arm can't seem to find a correct way to be ....and lying on my back, it's impossible, I feel all my weight over my back and it's really painful....So well, this maternity leave really comes in at a good time...

Officially in my country, working women have maternity leave from week 34 on (42 days before birth) and then 84 days after the baby is born...my doctor will give me the permission from week 32 on (because it's allowed to start the maternity leave up to 2 weeks before the official date, assuming the baby will be born earlier), because I'm really tired and my baby is big and all....

Also I'm happy because the nursery is taking form!! We had the room painted on saturday, a wonderful light blue, pretty light! This week the crib and changer will be ready (hopefully), so then I can start to wash the clothes and put them in the drawers and all. Quilt and protectors are ready, curtains are ready....this is getting pretty exciting!!!

Hope everyone has a nice week!!!

30 weeks!!

2007-05-22T18:35:00.001-04:00

I finally reached the 30 week milestone....I feel like now I'm really on the final stretch!!

I've been feeling pretty tired, I have huge backache and strange pains all over my body LOL!!

I don't remember if I already told you, but I went to the nutritionist, who was very nice, and she gave me a "diet" that's pretty manageable, it's more than anything to control the sugar in my blood, but I can eat almost anything (except sugar, of course), so I've been behaving like a good girl and hopefully, I won't develop diabetes! I have to take a blood exam next week to see how I'm doing!

I can't wait for my maternity leave to start (june 4th!) but I have a lot of work to do!!

What else? we've been doing a lot of stuff for the baby, crib and changing table are being made, clothes he has lots! We also bought the stroller (Graco Travel System Mosaic), and next week we'll have the room painted! I'm getting very anxious and excited at the same time!!

Baby M is moving like an acrobat! I get a little worried sometimes because there are some times when I feel like he's coming out! Have anyone felt that? it's like a kick WAAAY down....curious!!

And well, peeing is getting really an issue, last night I went 4 times! I mean come on! and by 11 o'clock I had gone 3 more times! It's really annoying....!!!

Well, that's my news for now, it's getting really cold down here, which I find very convenient for my swelling!!

Next OB/GYN appt: june 1st

Happy Birthday to Myself!!

2007-05-10T10:59:00.000-04:00

Today I'm turning 29...my last year of my twenties!!!

I'm very happy! I love my birthdays!! Everybody congratulating me, remembering me, I love it!!! I'm really enjoying every minute of it...

And well, this comes as a special birthday, with my baby inside of me...it's my last birthday without a son!I mean, he's already with me, but you know what I mean!!!!

Oh and by the way, I had a nice appt with my OB/GYN last friday, I barely gained more weight, but I still have to go to the nutritionist so she can give me some diet....but in general terms, I'm really fine, the baby is growing healthy and he's still "standing" (not in position yet), kicking like hell!!!

Diabetologist...

2007-05-03T16:20:00.000-04:00

Today I went to the diabetologist, he told me I'm ok, although my glucose is a little high, so to avoid any complications such us pregnancy diabetes, I have to go to a nutritionist so she can give me some diet....this of course, because I've gained too much weight!

But at least I'm healthy, I was a little worried to have something more serious, but no, it's only too much junk food!! LOL...

Tomorrow I have to go to the OB/GYN, and well, I haven't written because there's not much going on with my life...I'm very tired, my belly is really HUGE! But in general terms, I feel ok! LOL

Well, the baby has a LOT of clothes that we've been buying and also presents! I find baby clothes so cute I could spend my whole income buying stuff LOL so I have to contain a bit...E too!! We also bought some fabrics to make the quilt, bumbers and curtains (my mom has this lady that makes all that stuff)..so everything's going very well!!

The baby is kicking harder everyday, and lower I think! it makes me want to pee every hour!! I'm already 27.5 weeks, so 12.5 more weeks to go!

Doctor appt

2007-04-17T16:45:00.000-04:00

On friday I went to my OB/GYN for my mensual appt. He found everything perfect regarding the baby, he said it's a big baby, a "normally" big baby (not pathologically big), and well, he found my legs less bloated and my pressure was good too.

The only "problem" was that I had gained a little too much weight...again! I was very angry, because I'm sure it was because I was really bloated that day!! But well, anyway, the glucose test was a little strange to him, because my basal glucose was a little high (102), but then, it went down a lot (72, I think I already told you this, but anyway). Thing is, if it was diabetes, the number should've gone up....so he thinks the test may be wrong (not well done)...so he sent me to do it again....and along with that, he told me to go to an endocrinologist (specialized in diabetes), to check the test and also because of my "a little excessive" weight gain...

You can imagine I wasn't very happy with the idea...I mean, is obvious this endocrinologist will tell me to only eat vegetables and so....and I'm so hungry!!!! Well, I'm going on may 3rd, so I still have some days to prepare myself sicologically to eat "healthy"...LOL!!!

Well, apart from that, everything is ok..on saturday my mom, sister and SIL went to see baby fabrics and baby clothes...so my little boy is getting more and more things for him!!!

I hope everything's ok for everyone in blogland...I'm very impressed about what happened in Virginia Tech Univ, it was really horrible!!

With the flu....

2007-04-09T12:28:00.000-04:00

I'm not feeling very well right now, I'm coming down with a horrible flu, my throat hurts like it had been cut with a knife, I'm sneezing and all!

So I think I'm going home right now because as I can only take paracetamol, I'd rather stay in bed to recover a little bit....

Pregnancy related, I'm feeling pretty well, I get strange pains, like gases, in strange parts, but I've read it's part of the stretching or something like that. The baby constantly moves which is so comforting!! The only strange thing is that he moves more after I've eaten for example meat, spaghetti or any other meal, than when I eat chocolate, and I understand that babies move more with chocolate...but well, maybe he's too little and I don't feel his chocolate-movements! LOL...or maybe it depends on the position he is at the time I'm eating something!!

Last weekend we bought some things for him, some onesies (or how do you write it?) and the other day I also bought some "underwear"....he already has a box full of things for him! It's so exciting!

Well, and besides all the shopping we have to do, there's no much more going on. I'm 24 weeks today, that makes 16 more weeks of waiting...A LOT!!!! but well, I'm counting the days to my maternity leave (starting on 33-34 weeks)!! Fortunately, I will get my whole income those 126 days of legal maternity leave!

It's a boy!!!

2007-04-01T21:56:00.000-04:00

Finally!! we're through with the waiting to know what is our baby's sex...he's a healthy and big boy!!
We're going to call him "Manuel José" (I don't know if there's a translation for Manuel, but José is Joseph).

He's measuring 23.5 weeks, even though I'm only 22.5 weeks, but his head is already measuring 24.5!!! some big head!!!

Thank God, everything's normal, head, heart, stomach, well, everything!!

So we're really really happy, we spent the weekend visiting furniture stores, fabric stores, and a lot of things related with our baby!!!

Have a nice week!!

Tests...

2007-03-21T09:45:00.000-04:00

Hi there!!

Well, hypocondriac as I am, I'm currently a little worried (that means, obsessing) because of some of my tests results. On monday I went with my mom to do a number of tests the doctor had gave me, including that glucose one (my mom had to do that one too, because she has some diabetes symptoms). Well, the glucose test I found it was quite well, but maybe I'm wrong. It started at 106 which is a little high, but then after taking that super sweet orange liquid, and waiting 2 hours, it went down to 72, so I don't know what does that means.

Anyway, it's the classic hemogram which has me worried, because I have too little lymphocites (I had to look up that word), only 18% of my white blood, and the minimum is 25%...I don't know what exactly does that means, I think is "low defenses", but maybe is something more serious!! To make things worse, in a part of the test that says how do the cells react to rubbing them, in the white ones it said "lymphopenia", which sounded pretty scary!! But well, after checking on google and asking my cousin (who's a doctor), it turned out that lymphopenia means "low count of lymphocites"....so back to the beginning.

I admit I've read some things in internet, but nothing too concluding or serious, most things I've read talk about the causes, but not what it means...Rationally, I know it's probably nothing, I may be about to get a cold or maybe it's pregnancy that's making all this, but I can't stop thinking about it. I already called my doctor so he'll return my call, probably late in the afternoon, but well, that's better than waiting until I see him again (april 13th)!!!

Anyway, the only 2 things that are keeping me from going crazy are: 1st: I had this same test taken some 3 months ago, and the doctor didn't find anything to worry about, and 2nd, my mom's results also showed little lymphocites, 21%, so if we both have low lymphocites, it can't be that strange...or serious!! LOL!!!

Well, apart from that (I'm ALWAYS worrying about something, so it's part of me), I've been feeling well, only VERY tired (who said tiredness subsided in the 2nd trimester!!), I'm constantly sleepy, even though I've been sleeping roughly 9 hours every day!!! My belly is very big, I like it a lot because it's very "pointed", you know? like a perfectly round ball, so it looks very cute!! Although my butt is big as a bicycle parking lot, I'm very happy with my belly!! LOL!!

On other symptoms, the baby is now kicking more and more strongly! Yesterday E felt him/her for the first time! He was so excited! We discovered he can detect the movements when the baby is "changing positions", more than when it's kicking. So well, at 21 weeks (and 2 days!), things are going pretty well, excepting that black dot in my happiness that is that exam, but hopefully by tomorrow I'll have that cleared already!!!

Appointment

2007-03-13T13:26:00.000-04:00

My Ob/Gyn appt went....uhmmm I could say...fairly well...

He did consider that I had gained too much weight in the last month, so he send me to check on my glucose, thyroid and blood in general....and he was a little worried about my bloated legs, because according to him, bloating shouldn't be a problem until about 30 weeks....so well, all those exams will clear the doubts. There's a chance I could have diabetes, because my mother had when she was pregnant with my smallest brother...so well, next week I'll go and take those exams....

About the U/s, he said I should wait at least 3 weeks, I didn't quite understand why but it has something to do with these symptoms I'm having. I believe he wants to wait a little, because maybe the weight gain is because of the vacations (I ate A LOT) and the bloating because of the weather....

Anyway, we're so curious to know if everything's fine and if the baby is a boy or a girl, but well, this is all about waiting, so that's what we'll have to do!!! LOL

In the meantime, I'm planning on watching what I eat, because if I continue gaining weight at this rate...I will turn into a whale!!!!

So long....

2007-03-12T12:08:00.000-04:00

Hi!!!

Finally I'm back on these lands...I arrived some 10 days ago from my vacations, they were really great, we could rest a lot, talk a lot, and had a great time overall!!!!!

Last week was really hectic here at my office, so I didn't have much time to write, but now I'm here again!!!

Today I'm 20 weeks pregnant, and things have been going great. I have this HUGE belly now, which embarrases me a lot, because there has been a LOT of people who had told me "4.5 months? are you sure there are not twins inside?" or "4.5 months...you have a huge belly"....I can't believe people can be so upsetting all the time, how can they not think "maybe she's a little fat, better not rub it in her face"....and by the way, how can they possibly know how's a belly supposed to look like at 4.5 months! I'm sure nobody remembers EXACTLY the size of their belly at certain week...less to say men!! I mean, how can they know!!!

Anyway, so after a whole week of receiving the "what a big belly" comments, I've decided to "cheat" a little, so now I'm telling everyone I'm 5 months or "almost 5 months", and the "huge belly" comments have stopped a little. The thing is, I'm very structured, so if my last period was on october 24th, it means that for example march 10th is exactly 4.5 months. But I heard a girl at the beauty parlor the other day saying that she was "almost" 4 months, but she had only 15 weeks!!! (that's barely 3.5 months!) It seems people change month every 4 weeks LOL!!

Well, apart from that, the most exciting thing that has happened to me lately is that I'm already feeling the baby!!!! I was a little worried because I'd read that you could feel it from week 16 and I wasn't feeling a thing, but my doctor told me that the first baby can be felt at 20 weeks more or less, so last week, on tuesday or wednesday (19ww+1 or 2 days) I felt something a little strange, that COULD have been a "gas", but it has kept going, and now it's clearly a knocking!!! In fact, I'm getting the knocking as I write right now!! It's very very exciting, but I'm looking forward to get to the point that E can feel him/her too!! It's very frustrating for him when he puts his hand on my belly and I say "now" and he doesn't feel a thing!!!

So that's what's going on around here, today I have an appt and hopefully, the doctor will give me an order for the 20-24 weeks U/S!! We're too curious to know if it's a boy or a girl!!!!! But I'm a little nervous because I think I gained something like 10 pounds this last months....so I'm sure the doctor will lecture me!!!

I will now go and check on the other blogs!! Will keep you posted when I have news!!

15 weeks

2007-02-05T11:10:00.000-03:00

Starting my 15 weeks today...no much news, my belly is growing and growing, which is cool and depressing at the same time...I'm never sure if it's growing because it has to grow, or because I'm getting too fat! Next monday I have an appt with my OB/Gyn, I hope I haven't gained that much weight since the last time I went there!

This is my last week before my vacations, and I'm really desperate for them to come! I can barely work, I'm so distracted!! So I hope this week goes by really fast (I doubt it!)!!!

We're heading to Argentina again, this time to the south (the place where we're going is called Villa La Angostura, is near Bariloche, in a lake called Nahuel Huapi), for 1 week, and then another week in my family's house at Villarrica Lake. The first week of vacations, we're staying partly here and partly we're going to a friend's house in the country, about 2 hours from here. So there, I hope we can rest a lot, disconnect a lot, and enjoy as much as possible our last "honeymoon" vacations LOL!!!!

14 weeks!

2007-01-29T17:38:00.000-03:00

Well, here I am at 14 weeks...it seems so much...yet still so little! I'm definitively off that hideous first trimester, and I have this very pointed (pointy?) belly that looks pretty cool I think...specially today that I'm really bloated LOL!

There's no much to tell, only that I went shopping on saturday and bought some maternity clothes, because as I'm going on vacation in 2 weeks I needed them sort of urgently. And it was a very good purchase because summer clothes are all on sale, so I bought a lot of things (not that much, it's just that it sounds a lot because I didn't have ANY maternity clothes): 2 t-shirts plus 1 for a couple of weddings I have in march and april, a pair of jeans, and 2 capri pants. Today I also bought another pair of pants...

I finally "arranged" things with my mother...not quite, because we didn't talk about our discussion anymore, but now we're friends again LOL...so I'm very happy, I really missed her a lot. In fact, on thursday, after we had reconciled (is that a word?), I was at home and started crying..a lot! E didn't understand what was happening to me...I think it was a mix between crazy hormones and a way of getting all the tension of my "fight" with my mom, out...

That's my life for now, I'm having a lot of trouble concentrating at work, vacations are so close that it's very hard to continue working! 9 more working days and I'm out for 3 whole weeks!...I really can't wait!

U/S #3!!

2007-01-22T16:17:00.000-03:00

Hi everyone!
I just came back from my 13 week u/s, and I must say, everything looks great!!
I was so overwhelmed to see an actual baby that I didn't even cry! I was more like in shock.
So size is ok, there's no apparent problem, and well, everything's right on track!

I really feel very very relieved now, I know there's always a tiny risk and all, but seeing that the baby is growing fine and his/her heart beating and everything makes everything so more real.

I still can't quite believe the idea of having a baby in my arms (hopefully) in 6 months, it's very surrealistic and yet so incredible!

So now I'm very very happy, with the only "black spot" in my life that is my mom, who's not talking to me...all because I told her some truths about her life, but still, it's been more than a week and it wasn't anything that traumatic. Anyway, I'm a little sad because she's missing this important event in my life, all because her stupid pride and resentment. I already said I'm sorry, tried to get together, but she still can't forgive me...if there's anything to forgive by the way.

So well, I'll try to enjoy despite her stupidity, and finally, she's the one missing it, not me!!!

See ya!

Peeling off and stomach ache

2007-01-18T17:24:00.000-03:00

After my not-so-nice sunburn I told you about, now I'm entering the itching-peeling phase, which I'm not sure I like a lot more than the other phase. I mean, I really prefer to feel itchy than in pain, but it's pretty unpleasant anyway...at least I'm starting to get a little brownish, instead of the bright pink from the beginning!

About my stomach, Sunday was really bad (I think I already told you that), with diarrhea and all (sorry!), but it has continue coming and going this whole week, not as strong as sunday, but yet, I've been having some intestinal problems that have me a little intrigued. Not worried, but curious. See, since getting pregnant I've had serious issues "going" to the bathroom, you know what I mean, so now, this "easiness" it's a little strange for me, unusual...but well, at least it will be useful when I go to the doctor tomorrow and have my stomach quite "clean" LOL!

This week I also had the "visit" of those brownish-pinkish-orangish CM I had some weeks ago. I was a little worried, but stopped worrying, I think it's definitively some "capilar fragility" I read about, or maybe just another symptom unique for me LOL.

Related to my "worries", I'm a little confused with counting the weeks. Now I'm like 12 ww+3 days, but I'm getting a newsletter (What to Expect when you're expecting) that's saying "You're in week 13". So if somebody asks me, I'm in week 12 or 13? because I know this is my 13th week, but for example, I'm 28 years old and 8 months, but I'm not saying "yes I'm 29"...

So that newsletter confused me a little, I even went to check on my EDD, but it was ok.

Anyways, my question is more related to knowing if I'm already out of the "risky 1st trimester" or not? as to stop worrying once and for all I mean!

Thanks!!

12 weeks and burning!!

2007-01-16T10:40:00.000-03:00

Here I am, at 12 weeks now! I'm so happy...although paranoic me still has some worries, but they are going away pretty fast!!

About the "burning" that I put in the title, it's because we went to the beach last weekend, and I got a horrible sunburn...HORRIBLE, I'm totally pink-red, but the worst of all is that it hurts like hell! Well, today's a little better, but it still hurts...

I'd read that skin gets more sensitive in pregnancy, but really, I never thought it could be that much, even my toes are red!!!

Anyway, I learned my lesson, so for the rest of the summer, I'll be sure to avoid tanning so much, and use a really high sun protector!!!

On other news, things have been going pretty well on the pregnancy department, I'm having less and less nausea every day, so that's pretty cool...I get a little afraid sometimes, but I've read everywhere that around this week, symptoms start to decrease and eventually dissapear!

This friday I have an appt with my Ob/Gyn, I hope he doesn't find me too fat (I've gained something like...mmm 10 pounds? no, I checked in a converter, it's more like 7 pounds (between 6 and 8)), so not that bad...I think!!!

Well, nothing more to tell, I'm looking forward to my vacations (3.5 weeks from now), I'm so tired, I can't work very well...and it has been reaaally hot around here...so well...

Will keep you posted!!

11 weeks!

2007-01-09T16:18:00.000-03:00

Well, I'm now officially 11 weeks...which I find pretty cool! I mean, I'm only 1 week away from the so-waited 12 weeks milestone...well, technically I'm 2 weeks away (considering the end of 12 weeks), but well, I'm just there...and as the days go by, and my symptoms fail to go away, I feel more and more confident...

Of course I'm still scared, because my "clever" mind only remembers those cases of 12 week m/c (my mom for example), but as I already said, I have a lot of symptoms, constantly: boobs hurt really bad, specially in the morning, I believe it's because I sleep on my sides; nausea every morning, never puking, but always feeling crappy; hungry-fatigue, and what has been my main worry these days: constipation and bloating and gases (sorry TMI). I went to the supermarket the other day and bought many "fiber" things: fiber bread, fiber cereals, fiber cookies...and I've been eating them A LOT, only to read (after I'd ate everything): do not increase your fiber ingest so abruptly, it will only make you gassy....oh dear...should've known...at least it improved a little the "constipation" issue....

Anyway, I've been so worried about that, and also about my HUGE belly (it's really not normal), which is related with the bloating, that my fears of loosing the baby are back in my head...but I really really hope I can manage to get to the famous 3 months (just to be sure), for several reasons (besides m/c):
- every person who gets to know the news, after congratulating me, they say: "take care, the first 3 months you have to take good care"...I'm really sick of hearing that! like I was some kind of stupid...

- I will finally be able to walk with my huge belly without feeling so fat (I mean, after 3 months you are allowed to have some belly, aren't you?). For example, last friday in the supermarket (buying "fiber"), while waiting in line, I sat in the chair of the next line (that was empty), and the lady that was paying in my line looked at me in a funny way, so I told her "my back hurts a lot", and she asks: "how many months?" or something like that...like it was SO obvious I was pregnant!! (2.5 months, you get the point, I shouldn't be showing so evidently!), and I said "around 3" (E afterwards told me I should've said 5 or 6, to shut the stupid lady down), and she started giving me a speech about how I shouldn't be so tired, that afterwards it could be so worse, that I was so young to get tired so soon, that every pregnant woman should make exercise...that she had 2 kids (they were like 26 and 21!!!) and so on....it was SO awkward!!!!!

- Every person who has ALREADY touched my belly will be able to feel a pregnant belly (as opposed to a bloated and fat belly). It really makes me VERY unconfortable to be "touched" so often. I mean, my mom can touch my belly, my dad (who hasn't by the way), my brothers and sisters....even my MIL (which is a little uncomfortable indeed) or SIL....but come on! today I ran into a lady that works here...I'm like her boss's boss's boss (get it? there are 2 bosses in between) and there she goes with the touching and "how's the baby?"....OMG!! It's not the point that I'm her boss or anything, it was to explain it isn't someone who I have a lot of contact with...and well, the list is neverending...I've really come to hate that touching...how can they not think that I'm just 2.5 months (this started at least a month ago....go figure), that probably I have nothing there....and well, what do they have to touch anyway!!! I mean, MAYBE when you're 7, 8, 9 months...to see if the baby kicks, but this isn't even that, because it's like a "greeting touch", they just place their hand on my belly (over my shirt of course...it would be too much if they wanted to touch my bare skin belly!) for just 1 or 2 seconds, but it's equally uncomfortable...no one goes around touching other people's body parts, but there, you get pregnant and you automatically get a "please touch me" sign....I really can't get it...

Well, that are my news this week...I can also tell you that it has been a really hot summer so far, with very high temperatures, that don't go down at night, so we've been pretty much frying down here!!

So there you go, a lot of information for your entertainment!

Happy New Year!!!

2007-01-02T10:22:00.000-03:00

Well, I hope this year brings everyone joy and happiness and the fullfillment of your dreams!!!!

I haven't written on the last couple of weeks mainly because there hasn't been much going on lately....I'm currently 10 weeks now, and I hope everything's going fine! My next appt is on January 19th...and next u/S, I don't have the least idea, because my doctor isn't very fond of u/s's, so he'll probably tell me to have one before I go on vacations, that is, february 10th (here we are in summer!), so I have a long time to wait....which I don't like very much!! Specially considering that there's a friend of mine who has the EXACT time than me, and she went to the doctor last week and had an u/s and she was telling me how amazing it was to see the head, eyes, legs, and so on....I was so jealous!!!! LOL.....

But well, I have to stick with my actual doctor, I'm not going to change just to have more u/s's, don't you think??? LOL....

I've felt relatively well, I have a lot of nausea but no puking....also I'm VERY tired, constantly tired, no matter how much I sleep, I'm always sleepy, boobs still hurt but now the pain is mainly in the nipples...curious!

For more than a week now, or more, I haven't gotten any of that brownish CM, just some yellow-green or strange colors, but always light colors, and for the most of it, I've stopped worrying (E has been crucial in helping me not to worry that much) about every little thing that comes out of me...I've come to the conclusion that if it was something really serious, there would be a LOT of "something" coming out of me...LOL....

So well, it's just 2 more weeks of worrying, but to be true, as the days and weeks go by, I feel more and more confident!!! I just hope everything turns out ok, not only for E and me, but for everyone for example, my MIL is REALLY happy (even though this would be her ninth grandson/granddaughter), she already made some cute little wool shoes, and bought us some socks...SIL also (E's SIL actually....his brother's wife)...my family is also very excited, so it would be such a dissapointment for everyone I think....better not think about that really!!!!

Well, so I've been pretty good, I just hope everything continues to be fine, and that I can relax completely and start talking more freely about the baby!!!

Have a great year and I'll keep you posted!!!

All's well...

2006-12-19T09:14:00.000-03:00

I hadn't written in some days because I was ordered to rest...this was because of the brownish CM that appeared on sunday, and then again on tuesday and on wednesday.

Thank God everything's ok! Yesterday I had another U/S to check on the baby and there it was, his/her heart pounding like crazy!!!

So then we went to the doctor and even as he told us that any brownish thing isn't a good sign, it doesn't necessarily mean that something's wrong with the baby, but if it happens again, I must rest again, to prevent any further problem.

In fact, this morning I had a little something, but as the doctor said that "one little something" wasn't to care about, I came to work anyway, but if it continues, I will certainly go home....I'd rather exaggerate than be sorry!!!

So well, that's my news for now!!

Oh and yesterday we had our 2nd anniversary, so the good news from the u/s were certainly the best gift for us!!!

A little worried

2006-12-11T10:11:00.000-03:00

Well, my Mendoza trip was very nice, we had a great time....and the curvy road was a little nauseaous but there was a 4 hour waiting line at the customs so I could rest a lot there LOL...but it was very very nice!!!!

The thing about my title, is that yesterday I went to pee and as I wiped, I found a brownish CM....I showed it to E (TMI I know), and well, I lay in bed all afternoon. Of course it was only one time, and it wasn't much, and as I said, it was the usual CM but darker you know?? I know it's not strange that thes things happen, but I couldn't help remembering my m/c were it started with something similar I think...I'm not sure, it may have been different, but I'm really scared....

I was planning on telling my friends today, but now I'm having second thoughts, I dread to tell them and then tomorrow have bad news you know? So I think I'll wait a few days more, to see how this turns out....

Anyway, I'm still having a lot of nausea and cramping, so that calms me a little...

I'll keep you informed!!

Everything's ok!!

2006-12-07T20:04:00.000-03:00

Well, the U/S went great!!!!!
We saw the little one, with his/her heart beating a lot!!!! 122 (I don't know the name in english, pulses per minute??), and we even heard it!!!! It was very very very emotive. E couldn't believe it, he was so so happy!!!

So now we can relax for a while, Dec 18th I have an appointment with my OB/GYN to check on the exams and show him the u/S....

I'm very very happy!!!! I hope everything continues to be ok!!!

Have a nice weekend!!

Stucked...

2006-12-06T14:00:00.000-03:00

No, I'm not stucked...nausea is stucked in my body, and I don't like it very much...today I've felt slightly better, really slightly...I had a bigger breakfast today and brought two jello's (I don't know the word but it's the flavored jelly I think) so I was pretty much ok until 11.30 - 12 am, not perfect but managing...but now I'm feeling a little worse....

Despite the calmness that these symptoms give me, I'm a little worried about our upcoming little trip, I mean, we have to cross over the mountains!! The Andes Mountains!!! So that means a veeery curvy road....special for nausea!!! And well, being there and feeling bad, it's certainly something I don't want!!! I only hope that if I have a big breakfast and take some food for the road, I will be able to manage!!!!

On another subject, I'm a little pissed with my friends...university friends...see, I tend to be a natural organizer, I don't know how but I always end up organizing things. But along with that, I'm pretty structured, so I like things to be well defined as soon as possible.

So now I was organizing the "secret friend" (It's a typical game here that's "played" in Christmas time, that consists in that you put everyone's name in a bag and then everybody takes out one paper and whoever she/he gets, it's the person she/he has to give a Christmas present...it's used mainly at work (so you don't have to give everyone a present) or in big groups, sometimes in families also), and one friend offered her house to get together to give out the gifts, and everyone agreed...but then, late in the afternoon, another one says "it can be in my house too"....I know there's nothing wrong, apparently...but for me, the organizer, it sucks, because that means waiting for EVERYONE to agree or not agree, of course half of them don't read their mails because they're "so busy working", so then come the infinite calls "where is it?"....so I decided that we should stick to the original plan and do it in the first friend's house.

But to my closest friends (with whom we write emails everyday) I told them I was upset....but my friends (one of them) considered there was nothing wrong and that I was too complicated....

But then again, I'm the one organizing, so if they don't like my style, I don't do it...I mean, it really pisses me off that people think they have the right to criticize and make you feel bad for your organizing style, when they're not able to do it, you know what I mean? So next year I will tell that "relaxed super cool" friend that she organizes it....see if she finds it that easy to coordinate 17 working girls, most of them with kids and all...

I'm sorry, I really needed to get this out!!!!

Will keep you informed about tomorrow's u/s...although it's at 6 pm (-4 or 3, I'm not sure due to summer hours gmt), and then we have to pack because we're leaving friday at sunrise!! like 6 am!, but well, I'll try to leave some update!!

Evidence...

2006-12-05T17:51:00.000-03:00

This week I've definitively started to get some evidence that I'm really pregnant...LOL, of course my boobs are sore from the beginning but now I'm starting to feel nauseous more and more everyday...in fact today was my first "puke"....LOL!!!

I've come to discover that the more hungry I feel, the more nauseous I feel too....so this morning, I woke up feeling bad, so I didn't have all my regular breakfast...result, I was starving by 10 am....but I have lunch at 2.30 pm!!! so I bought some cereal bar, that only made me feel worse, the smell of it was disgusting, so I only bit one little piece...then, near 1 pm, I had to go to the bathroom....but as I hadn't eaten almost anything...there was barely nothing to throw out...but it was pretty horrible....

I'm also feeling progressively tired....I just dream of my bed half the day...and my productivity at work has decreased considerably...which is making me a little worried...I just hope next week I can work better!!

So there you go...I, as all of you before me, despite feeling physically lousy...feel emotionally very satisfied...or at least calm...as I've known forever that having symptoms mean that everything's going great....

Well, 2 more days for the u/s, that will give me some piece of mind for at least the weekend I think! LOL...but to be truth, I haven't felt that nervous...which is very curious....

Will keep you informed!!

Clean and free!!!

2006-12-01T12:47:00.000-03:00

Well, of course I'm alright, no VIH, no nothing!!!!

I admit though, as I was waiting for the nurse to give me the results, I was REALLY nervous, trembling and with my heart pounding like crazy!! But well, everything's ok. I only have to do some urine tests next week but I'm not worried at all....I'm not even worried about a high number that appeared in my hemogram, that Dr. Google said it meant a HUGE infection, but I think it's the antibiotics, because how could I have that huge infection if I'm on antibiotics!

So now it's all about waiting for the u/s next thursday, but until now, I'm not worried...LOL...

I really hope things turn out ok, because I'm starting to firmly believe this baby is going to be fine!!

Have a nice weekend!!

Update Beta #2

2006-11-29T20:50:00.000-03:00

Ok, I already went to pick up the first set of tests. I'll try to translate the names, but I think it's going to be a little difficult.

First of all, the most important:

Beta #2: 8,496.1 at 23 dpo
(Beta #1: 3258.7 at 20 dp)

According to this page I "stole" from K. , doubling time was 49.19 hours (the first one was taken at 1 pm and the second one at 9 am, so it's a little less than 3 days...for maniacs like me, those differences are crucial!), so I'm right on track!! On that same page, I noticed that doubling times tend to be greater as beta numbers are growing...I mean, for 23 dpo, the average doubling time is 48.78 hours, for 22 dpo it's something like 44 hours, and so on, so it's perfectly reasonable (I must admit I remembered your numbers K, Hoping, BBC, and I remembered something more like 33 hours...!! But I think it was sooner in your pregnancies! LOL...)

Other tests:
TSH (thyroid): normal
VDRL (I just looked for it and it's to detect sifilis): non reactive (I suppose that means negative!)
biochemical profile: there are a lot of things and they are all normal, except something called dehidrogenase lactic or something like that, which I've never heard of, but I'm sure it's nothing to be worried about!
hemogram: I've never known how to read it, but I can tell my white globules are high, but that's pretty obvious considering I have a cold, I was just taken a tooth away (probably my body is fighting to avoid infections) and the antibiotics I think...anyway, I won't worry !!
protrombine: normal

So everything looks ok, just a little more patience to know the HIV results, but I'm starting to relax more...E's been VERY patient and has calmed me a lot....

More on friday!!!

Thanks for your patience!!

Tests panic

2006-11-29T17:35:00.000-03:00

I think this is going to be a looong period of my life.

As I told you, yesterday I went to the doctor, and of course he ordered me a lot of tests (or exams) to do...and now I'm freaking out for the HIV test! Can you believe it? I mean, how could someone be THAT hypocondriac!...but I can't help it....

See, there was this one time I had sex with a guy I met on a cruise...in fact, it was my first time (not feeling proud about it!), and it sucked, the guy was so drunk he like fell asleep in the middle (I can't believe I'm telling you this)...anyway, that was a long time ago...well, and there was another guy in that cruise with whom I had oral sex (he had in fact)....so there you go....that's where my fears come from....you may think, why didn't I made the test before..? chicken...and also because I reaaally deep inside know I'm overreacting....but there's so many stories I've read....that I'm really afraid....or paranoid-ly afraid....

Well, the results come back friday am, but I'm scared that someone will call me from the lab...I've heard that when there are bad news, they call you (which personally I think is the worst strategy, I mean, you may be in the middle of a meeting and the nurse call you to tell you THAT?? come on!), so every time the phone rings I jump a mile....

E can't believe I'm worried about that, he's really nervous about the second beta that comes out this afternoon, but really, I'm not worried (LOL!)...I'm so focused on that other test, I really don't care about the HCG...not that I don't care, but I'm sure it will come alright...I can't believe I am saying that, but well, at least having this panic attacks are being very useful to minimize pregnancy anxiety!!!

I know I'm a little crazy, I know rationally that everything's going to be ok, but I have this constant heartburn that's killing me...it's just like when I had to take that plane, I couldn't stop thinking about that...you know? Chances that I'm VIH positive are as high as the chances that that plane had crashed...but there I was, freaking out...

Well, at least I'm aware it's a mental problem I have, I know I have these symptoms whenever things I can't control are coming....I don't know the disease...control freak? maniac-depressive? obssesive-compulsive? Uncertainty-phobia? Whatever, the thing is I will relax only after friday morning...LOL, it's funny because I know I've said things like this A LOT, like "after I take the first beta, I will relax", "after I land back safe and sound, I will relax", but there's always a new worry that prevents me from relaxing completely....

I've read in many of your blogs something like "type A" personality...I'm sure I'm that, even not knowing exactly what it means....anybody knows???

Ok, enough for now...I'll keep you posted!!

Appointment and dental nightmare

2006-11-28T18:00:00.000-03:00

Yesterday was a horrible day, regarding my teeth.

As I told you, Friday I bit something very hard and "thought" I had broken my tooth...so yesterday I went to the dentist, and yes indeed it was broken...and very deeply, so as much as they tried to "save" the tooth, there was no way so they had to take it out!!! It was really really awful!!! It was because they couldn't make a "crown" or something like that if the tooth was broken beneath the bone, and that was the case....

Of course I had to tell the dentist that I was pregnant...the dentist! before than my mother!!! I was so so angry at that f*ing restaurant...and I spent 3 hours in the dentist with my mouth open wide!!! With an anestesia that's less invasive, so it's less deep...so it hurt a bit...and as it passed away..OMG!!! I was in SO much pain!!!! Of course, unable to take anything to calm the pain down....the dentist did gave me antibiotics (amoxicillin) that are safe, but of course I called my OB/Gyn to make sure and he said it was ok, and that I could take acetaminophen as well but I only took one last night and one this morning to come to work (yesterday I went straight to my house).

So well, of course it distracted me a little from my normal pregnancy worries, but it was really really HORRIBLE....in fact, as soon as I got out of the dentist, I called E crying like I had been taken my arm off....

Anyway, today we went to the OB/GYN and I was very happy to have taken an HCG before going because he said it looked alright, and well, I don't have to gain much weight considering I'm already overweight (I explained the doctor it was TTC anxiety) and all in all he was very supportive and patient. He gave me a LOT of tests to do, and he told me I could have an U/S next thursday! (next week!), because I told him we were going to Mendoza and I'd probably be very nervous not knowing what's going on inside me....

So well, now the tests and hope for the best!!!!!

I'll keep you posted when the results come back!!

Thank you for your support!

P.S. Oh and yesterday I told my mom, because she was telling me to take medicins for the pain and I felt so liar so I told her...she's very happy...and cautious (like mother like daughter!) LOL!

Panic attack and Beta #1

2006-11-26T21:38:00.000-03:00

I couldn't wait til tomorrow to write (normally I only write from my office), because I have my first Beta result:

3,528.7 at 20 dpo

Of course I already checked everywhere I could and even though it's within normal ranges, it's still a little high...but well that's another story.

You may think, how is it that she's writing on a sunday to tell us about her results...thing is, yesterday I (on my numerous trips to the bathrooms) detected a somewhat darker CM, like bright yellow, I could even say a little orange-pink...but mostly yellow.

This was just before leaving MIL's house, so all the way back I couldn't stop crying, thinking things were going to go wrong again. I know, stupid, paranoid and overreacting...but I couldn't help myself.

So well, after a long talk with E (who was VERY patient), I calmed down and went to sleep, only to wake up today thinking that I'd be better off knowing what was really going on inside me...so there we went to the clinic, paying like 50% more than the regular price (although we can get something back after the doctor give us an order)...and in the afternoon, after coming back from my mom's house, we picked it up...

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw THAT big number..I was expecting something more like 800 - 1,000...so my first comment "upss...could this may mean an ectopic pregnancy"...E really didn't allow me to say more, he couldn't believe I was worrying again after I had taken the test and it had come back within normal ranges...

So, I think I'm a little calmer right now...we still haven't told anyone!! (just blogland!)I would have told my mom already, but E has the idea that telling too soon, if something happens too soon, would generate comments like "well, it was pretty soon, that happens all the time"...like minimizing the problem...I don't agree with him a bit, but given the circumstances, I can well wait a couple days more as to avoid getting some "told you so" comments from him if something happens....see? we're both VERY paranoid and almost like waiting to receive (see) bad news...

I know a lot of you have gone through this, so I know we're not alone in this, but still, I think these are not going to be easy months...

I feel that if I start to relax or be happier, or think about the future (baby names, nursery room, labor, etc), I will jinx the whole thing and afterwards I would most regret having thought about so many things without having anything for sure...am I making any sense here?

Anyway, it's been a rough weekend. Friday we went out for dinner and as I was chewing some meat, I bit a tiny bone that was in the meat, and I think I broke a tooth...I'm not sure but it hurts a lot....Then, I've had this "thing" in my throat that has been bothering me for a couple of weeks now, it's like I had a "hair" or something stuck in the back of the mouth...it's only on one side, and well I have a flu coming down, so it's probably that but I've been worrying like hell thinking it must be something very complicated if it hasn't go by now...so I'm going to the ear-throat doctor (how do you call those? otorrinus?) tomorrow...and to the dentist hopefully tomorrow also..I'm panicking about anestesia and antibiotics or who knows what...of course I will tell the dentist about my pregnancy (I hate to tell the dentist first than anyone!)...

Then, to top the weekend, I woke up today with this huge stomachache-diarrhea...not very nice...but at least I hope my bloating has decreased a little...and well, having an afternoon with the proggresively more annoying SIL can get anyone in a bad mood!!

To sum up:
Tomorrow morning: dentist (I hope, if not I made an appointment in the clinic for tuesday 9 am)
Tomorrow lunchtime: ear doctor (I hope I don't have some tumor or something..!!)
Tuesday 3 pm: OB/Gyn and hopefully Beta nº 2.

So it will be a very medical week, but I think after I have the three diagnosis (throat, dentist, pregnancy) I will finally relax!! (or maybe find something else to worry about!! LOL)...

Thanks for your patience! I feel like totally crazy and cranky....

Many many Thanks!

2006-11-22T12:24:00.000-03:00

Thank you all for your Congratulations and comments...it really means a lot for me!!

Yesterday was a pretty rough day, I had to fight back tears many times during the day. As I told you, I got mad at E...afterwards, I got mad at a friend...and so on.

I really think it was the 1.5 year of tension that was desperate to come out...of course I was in the office so I had to control myself. And really, reading your comments calmed me a lot!!

Today I feel better, emotionally. I'm still TERRIFIED and checking my underwear and all that...but I have been able to concentrate a little more in my work...and have managed to not think about my current status all the time....

I don't know if this is good or bad, but I've been having cramps constantly. I've read is normal to have them, so I think that as long as I have them, things should be alright. But then again I think, if I were about to have my period (= m/c), I'd have cramps anyhow!! Anyway, having that constant cramping helps me to calm down...LOL...and my boobs, OMG do they hurt, so that's another thing that keeps me going...

Well, I only hope this week passes by quickly and I can go to the doctor and have all the exams taken and then maybe I can relax a little...and tell my mom and sister!!! LOL...

On other news, today I'm going to see Shakira, the colombian singer, do you know her? Anyway, it's THE big event, my mom bought the tickets like 3 months ago, it's an only girls night out: mom, sister, me....So I'm pretty excited about it!!! Tomorrow I'll tell you!!

Will keep you posted!!!
Thanks again!!

Unbelievable...

2006-11-21T10:46:00.000-03:00

BFP....
BFP...
BFP!!!!!

Can you believe it? I can't...really....I'm sooooo scared...specially considering my previous experience, and considering also I'm like 4ww 1 day...I'm really freaked out.

I have an appointment next tuesday, I hope things go well until then, but I don't know how I'm going to survive. I'm already mad at E (for other things), probably because I'm so nervous....

Well...nothing more to say for now, I'm in some sort of shock and veeery skeptical, every time I go to the bathroom I'm sure there will be "something" that will ruin my illusion....

For now, I'm only hoping to survive this week.

See you!!

Skeptical...

2006-11-07T11:18:00.000-03:00

So I've been using my Clearblue Fertility Monitor for 15 days now, but I'm a little skeptical about it. Why could that be? You may ask...

Thing is, it showed me peak fertility on days 13 and 14...how could I be THAT regular!!!! I mean, I am indeed pretty regular, but I still have my doubts about the monitor. I've read everywhere that it measures your hormones, so it should be right!!

Maybe I was just hoping my lutheal phase was shorter or longer than I thought, and that was keeping me from getting pg (you know, bad timing). But it seems I have an average lutheal phase, average cycle, normal ovulation (apparently)....so why haven't I gotten pregnant!!!!

Well, I know there are a lot of other possibilities: some blocking somewhere, "bad" eggs, wrong pH....and then of course, male factors: low sperm count, poor movility, "bad" sperms....but apparently there's nothing wrong with us (having gotten pg once)....

It's probably just bad luck, or too much stress...I don't know. I only know that this month we really made an effort to cover all the bases...and by effort I mean REAL effort. For example yesterday neither of us where "in the mood", in fact E was feeling really bad, with a headache, nausea, and was very very tired....but we brought ourselves to it, barely, but well, I hope it's worth it!!!

Now the waiting starts...

I would appreciate, in the meantime, if someone could tell me if the fertility monitor really measures your hormone levels or does it shows you your fertile days in day 13 and 14, always? Have any one used it?
And another question I've been thinking about for some time. How do you count the time you've TTC? I mean, if you skip one month, the next month is again month 1? or you add it up to the months you've been TTC before?
Let me tell you my TTC history:
- May 2005 to August 2005: pregnant on month #4 and early m/c
- Oct 2005 and Nov 2005: TTC without success
- Dec 2005 - Jan 2006: no TTC because of my new job (even though we had sex on CD14 at the end of january, but it was the one time)
- Feb 2006 - May 2006: TTC (4 months)
- Jun 2006: due to family problems (my brother in jail remember?), we skipped that month
- Jul 2006 to today: TTC (5 months counting this one)

So if I sum it up, there are 15 months, but with those "holes" in between, I get confused about probabilities, you know what I mean? I've never been more than 5 months in a row TTC, so I don't know if that's the problem or I have to consider that I've been TTC 15 months? Does anyone knows about this?
I'm probably being ridiculous to try to find excuses, maybe not wanting to accept fully my IF, but still I get the doubt. Well, I hope we don't skip more months now so I can do a normal count. LOL!!!

Thanks!!!

Tough day

2006-10-30T13:32:00.000-03:00

Saturday, I realize now, was a tough day...

It was my MIL's family reunion. She, her 6 sisters, and all their sons, daughters, grandchildren...with their spouses of course (in case there was one!)...so we were like 60 and it was my MIL the one who organized everything, but E and I helped her a lot because she's not used to be in charge of these things....

Apart from the tiredness and tension of being somehow in charge, worried that everything was fine, that everybody was having a good time and all...I've come to realize that it was pretty tough to see that all of E's cousins (they're 18) have children...all of them! Well, E's the second younger cousin, followed by a female cousin who's about 30 years old, but anyway, it took a lot of strength to see all of them with their children...I played a lot with some of them, because I've always liked kids!! But E told me one of his cousins asked him something like "are you trying to have a baby? because Josefina's so good with kids, so patient!" and E told her that yes, that we were actually TTC...only to hear her say all the regular stuff about just relax, it will come when the time's right and all....

In fact, we had quite some good amount of the "and the babies, when?" chat that's really exhausting...another E's cousin asked me and when I answered something like "yeah, we're on it, but it's not that easy", she went on with the so typical speech about having a good time now that we don't have kids and all that. She was clearly a little uncomfortable with my answer, I could tell...I kept thinking about Melissa's post of people having to take charge about possible answers to their questions. If they ask about us having kids, they should think if they're ready to hear my answer even if it's not what they would like to hear...

I mean, why do they ask in the first place? What are they expecting to hear? If I was pregnant, of course they would know...so the possible answers are either "we're on it" or "we don't want kids yet"....if it's the first one, then be careful! maybe we've been trying very hard and if they're asking, there's a chance they could make us feel uncomfortable! If we don't want kids yet, why do they want to know? Why do they care!!!

Well, of course it's not their fault I'm so sensitive with this issue, and I, too have asked that question so many times!! But it still pisses me off when they don't know what to answer...this cousin really messed it because when I first told her that we were TTC she said something like "well, you're just married, you haven't even been married for a year"...and I told her "ehhh...no, we've been married for almost 2 years now"and she "well, it's not that much time anyway" (but with that "oops" tone you know?), and then my "it's not that easy speech" that was followed by a "were you taking contraceptives for a long time? (I knew she was preparing the "when you've taken those pills for a long time, your body takes some time to adjust back" speech) and when I answered here that I haven't taken them in a long time and that indeed I didn't use them for long, she really didn't have a clue of what to say next, so the conversation ended with her saying: "well, you can do stuff now that you don't have children"....LOL...poor girl, she was so clearly clueless! But then again, I insist, if she wasn't prepared to an "unwanted" answer, why on earth did she ask!!! If I didn't know better, I would've believed she had read Melissa's blog about "most annoying things people ask to IF couples"....I really couldn't believe every thing she said was worse and worse. Of course she didn't mean (and I'm sure she never thought about this after our conversation) to make me feel bad, but I really felt bad...for her, for being such a pain in the ass without knowing it...and for us, that (for the zillionth time) we haven't been able to conceive yet....

I thought, if E and I are so good with kids, and like them so much, why...WHY???

Well, at least my fertility monitor is working ok I think...it has already showed "high fertility", even if I'm only on day 7! But it said on the instructions that on the first month it can show a lot of high fertility days, because it doesn't know my cycle yet. Despite that, I think we're starting our campaign a little earlier...who knows? maybe I have a long lutheal phase and that's the whole problem..!! LOL...we'll see...

Events coming up: My niece's baptism (today I bought her the cutest baptism dress!), my mom's birthday, a close friend's engagement ceremony, a wedding, our little trip to Mendoza...ufff...that's some end of year!!!

One reaaally short hope...

2006-10-24T10:18:00.000-03:00

Well, that was quick...I got my period just a few moments ago...I already knew it because I couldn't help to temp today...even if I hadnt' take my temp all month...I have temped enough months to know my "high" temps...in fact, yesterday I also took my temperature and it was just above my limit...but today it went unmistakely (or unmistoodly?) down...

At least I'm progressively more and more sure that my body and cicles are ok. I mean, I just need to take my temp one time every once in a while to know perfectly well what's going to happen!! And well, my cycles are SO regular, 29 days straight...(maybe it's 28, historically I've counted CD1 as CD29 of the before cycle, but maybe that means the cycle lasted 28 days...whatever...), so I don't even have time to "worry". There has been a few exceptions anyway, but it's always between 28 and 32, or 33 max. So I believe that's pretty regular...

So this can mean one of the following:
1) I have a longer or shorter lutheal phase that means we can be missing the "fertile windows" in our "sex days" (specially because looking back, we made our homework on the precise days, if I had a normal lutheal phase)
2) I wasn't lucky enough to fall in the 25% chance of getting pregnant this month (and the months before...)
3) There's something wrong with my eggs...too fragile or something..or some blocking somewhere
4) There's something wrong with E's sperm...I've thought about this lately, but not because I think he could have a serious issue, but because he has been so stressed lately, that it could be affecting his fertility...could it be?? I guess I should make a little research about this.

Well, at least I will be able to use my monitor!!! LOL...on I go to the daily-pee-on-a-stick routine...I hope it's worth it!!!

At least I'm not so depressed, I was a little dissapointed of course...as always, but I'm already hopeful again for months to come!!! I hope this lasts!!!

Thanks for your support comments!!

CD28

2006-10-23T11:54:00.000-03:00

Well, here I am again...waiting for AF to come to visit...AGAIN....

But well, this time is different, because I already have my Fertility Monitor!!! I'm so happy, I'm sure it will help us so much, and it also has allowed me to relax a little more this month and focus on the monitor more than on the possibility to be or not pg.

Anyway, I must admit that this month I feel more hopeful than other months, not because we did something special, but because I've been thinking that SOME time I have to get pg (this is, unless there's something wrong with me or E, and there's still that chance, but there's also a not so tiny chance that we can indeed get pg sooner or later), so why can't it be this month? I mean, over the last months I've thought "well, why get my hopes up if it's obvious nothing's going to happen this time, just like last time"....but now I'm like "if things are ok with us, this month can be, in fact, different than previous months"....

So I'm feeling better with these feelings. I mean, of course I still believe my period is coming, but I'm keeping an open mind, more like waiting than suffering, you know what I mean?

I've somehow recovered my illusion, although I don't know how long it will last, but I feel better this way...I think....still realistic, thinking that we weren't that active this month, but still hopeful...

I think more than hopeful about this month in particular, it's hopeful about getting pregnant some time....and I keep thinking about something Johnny Depp said in his character of Mr. Barrie in "The man of Neverland" (I don't know the exact name of the movie) about believing something with all your heart to make it come true...It's a little naif, but I'm kind of sticking to it...LOL....

Well, I'll keep you informed about all this....

Have a nice week!!

Fraud!!!!

2006-10-12T15:26:00.000-04:00

I've started to believe that E and I are under some kind of evil spell that makes bad things happen to us all the time...

It's sounds pretty serious, but, no, it's not that terrible....It's only that it seems that someone cloned E's credit card!!!!!

See, last tuesday I called the bank because there was something wrong with the amounts of the credit card: the amount used + the amount available was less than the total amount we have approved. But then, as the lady that answered the phone was trying to explain to me what could've happened, she started to name me the last movements and named some REALLY STRANGE things, there were 2 expenses for a little more than US$10 each...nothing to worry but still strange...and then she says "and here is another one for US$240" (aproximate values)...and I was like "WHAT!!!!"....so I called E to ask him because it was his credit card (we have a common bank account), but of course he hadn't bought anything (he would've asked me, that's for sure!)...so I blocked the credit card.....

At least we have an insurance against fraud with credit cards, but nonetheless it really sucks. Probably the bank will take at least a couple of months to give us the money back....and well, it's not like we will be broken without that money, but come on!! it's not nice that suddenly you have less money....I imagine I could've bought so many things with that money!! LOL....

Finally, I'm so angry because you can never be safe!!! I feel somewhat stupid, cheated...you know the feeling???

The worst thing of all is that we'll probably never know when, where or who cloned the card, if it was cloned, because maybe someone copied the number only, I don't know..it really sucks...

Well, it could've been worse, because there was another charge, for US$1.500, but was denied by the bank, I think because the card was already blocked.

About the initial phrase of this post, that we have some kind of spell on us, it's because we always have this "incidents", that aren't so serious, but unlikely and very upsetting....for example:

1) once, a plant pot fell over E's car roof. He was parked in a open parking lot and during the night there was a storm, and the plant fell from one of the apartments above his car...I mean, who's car get hit by a plant!!!! it sounds almost funny!!

2) another time, I picked up E at his job and when trying to cross a street, we started honking and yelling at a man who was blocking the crossing point...and he out of the blue got out of his car, went to my side (I was driving) and kicked the side mirror, breaking it completely!!! then he went off, with us being unable to react!!! From all the drivers in the city, we had to run into a crazy man!!!!!

3) another time, we were driving back from a wedding, and suddenly we felt this HUGE sound, like a bomb....but no, it was a car who hit us from the back. But the curious thing is that we were driving!! in the middle of a straight street!! Not in a crossing, not stopped, just driving!! Well, luckily we didn't have any major consecuences, my neck was twisted, but nothing serious. Anyway we passed all that night at the hospital and then at the police station....awful night! and just 2 months before our wedding!! We were really really scared...

4) then, a couple of months ago we were on our way to work and on a corner, where we wanted to turn left, a man came on the second row of the street (it was actually the other side of the street, so he was going against the traffic) and tried to turn right!! he was doing 3 things wrong: going on the wrong side of the road, trying to turn right from that point, and not seeing that we were going the other way!!! It was a really small accident, but we had to go to the police station, to the insurance and all....and the man's excuse was "I'm unemployed and I was late to an interview, and this isn't even my car"....we were very cold hearted but told him that we couldn't be responsible for his problems, that he should drive well in any conditions....and I'm SURE it was a lie to avoid paying...

5) now this credit card problem....I mean, credit card cloning has even appeared on the news, but I've never met anyone who have actually had this problem...and of all the people...WE have to go through this!!!!

Well, of course there are people that have MUCH bigger problems, but we have a tendency to have this stupid-unlikely events that are very much upsetting!!!!

I'll keep you informed about what happens with this problem!!

3)

Here we go again...

2006-10-11T21:33:00.000-04:00

I remember clearly saying I wouldn't stress so much about TTC anymore, that I would try to think less about it and continue with my life...

But here I am, cd 15 or 16 (well, at least I'm not THAT aware!), and I'm already thinking "did it work out? could this be the month?"...even though we weren't that active...but what do you know, there are so many people who have gotten pregnant the ONE time they had sex (or so they say), so why do things have to be so statistical every time?

Well, the good thing I'm not that worried because my parents, sister and smallest brother are right now flying towards US: orlando and miami (disney and beach/shopping...lucky them!), and I gave my mom very specific instructions for her to buy me a Fertility Monitor (I checked on the prices and buying one over there it's like 30% cheaper, and given the opportunity, of course I took it!), with a picture of the box and all. So I'm more anxious about starting to use the monitor than anything. I'm sure it will make things a lot easier!!!

Because among other things, our sex desire is pretty low lately, of course mainly because this TTC stress..it's almost impossible to separate sex from "baby-making", and it puts a really big pressure on us. Take yesterday for example. E was really really tired, he even felt asleep watching TV, well, that's not so strange, but it was 8 pm!! and then when I told him let's go to bed, he barely opened his eyes and continued sleeping....he did make an attempt, like "today we have to!"...and I really wasn't able to go for it, I too was very tired and E was sleeping before I could answer....see? so there you go, unless I ovulated somewhere between sunday and yesterday, we lost our fertility window...but what can we do! there really are some days when we can't!!

And well, of course there's the "what for" thinking, that's well settled in our minds for a couple months now...you know? what's the point of making the effort, if as much as we try, nothing happens....

So that leads me to my original thought, that I now would LOVE to have a BFP to finally be able to relax!!! Because I feel that each month that goes by, we're less and less motivated. Don't get me wrong, we're more and more motivated to HAVE a baby, less and less motivated to MAKE one...LOL....

Well, we're thinking of going to a little trip on december, as to celebrate our anniversary... nothing too big, in fact, we're thinking on going to Mendoza (Argentina), remember I went with my grandma, mom, sister, aunt and cousins? Only this time we're planning on going by car!!! no more airplanes for now LOL...So I hope that trip (if we actually go!) can help us relax, disconnect ourselves from our routine, and hopefully can bring with us a fertilized egg!! LOL (I will check the dates to see if I will be fertile!!)

Ok, no more for now!!!

No HSG...for now

2006-10-05T13:50:00.000-04:00

So, I finally decided to cancel my HSG hour. I decided it yesterday, after thinking for a while, talking to my mom and E....and I'm pretty happy about my decision.

I'm really not that ready to take that exam yet, and I thought that if 2 different doctors have told me that there's nothing wrong with me, maybe I'm really 100% ok, and I only need to really believe in that to get pregnant. It maybe sounds too plain and simple but I'm really buying it.

So from now I'll try a different attitude towards pregnancy, I will try to get my life back to normal - it's not that un-normal right now but anyway - and part of that "normality" includes going to Pilates once and for all. I've posponed going the whole year because my thoughts were like "what if I get pregnant and for doing Pilates I have a m/c?", and now I think that what's meant to be, will be. If a baby's meant to be, there's no pilates or anything that will prevent it from being. Of course I have to be careful in not doing too harmful things, but I think doing exercise is far from harmful!!!

Also, I'm thinking about buying a fertility monitor, that way I can maximize chances, and not depend on a doctor!

Thank you all for your support and advice, if things don't work in a while, I will indeed do an HSG and all that, but for now, I'm really not prepared.

RE appointment

2006-10-04T16:02:00.000-04:00

I just got back from the RE.
I feel blah...

I don't know, maybe I was hoping for a little more empathy or I don't know.
The thing is, the doctor asked me the typical "how long have you've been trying" and all that stuff. At least he agreed with me that we've been TTC 14 months, if we sum up everything.

Well, he did checked on me (transvaginal U/s and "touching" that was SO disgusting) and he gave us some orders for some exams: E his semen analysis and me, some sort of x-ray with contrast liquid that can show if there's permeability or something like that...and also some hormone level exam: the basics.

But what left us a little dissapointed is that this doctor was just like everybody else, saying: "well, you already conceived, so that demonstrates that you're ok", and when I started arguing that maybe I have something that prevents a baby from sticking, he was like "noooo, everybody has pregnancy losses"...and all that stuff I'm so used to hear.

The thing is he didn't pay attention to our emotional exhaustment or our anxiety or anything you know? it was like talking to a friend, "relax, just have a good time having sex every other day"...COME ON!!! We're tired!! We're sick of this!! I don't care if there's people in a much more difficult situation than me (I mean, I do care, but you know what I mean)!!! (he told me that there are some women who have been trying for 8 years and are much older than me blablabla, I KNOW!! but that doesn't make me pregnant!!).

Then, when I insinuated I could have PCOS, he said that NO, I don't have PCOS because I'm regular, and I have conceived so that means I do ovulate. Then, maybe I have low progesterone, and he was like NO, progesterone hasn't been proved effective in making someone pregnant, so I never give progesterone. And me: how about that spotting I have several days before my menses? And he: now, that's normal....

Sooooo, yes, probably I don't have anything, probably I'm just too nervous...probably I need to relax and have a good time...yes, that could be, but in the meantime....How can I relax!! I don't get it, really, how can I say, "oh yes, let's act as if this was the first month TTC; let's act as if time hasn't go by...."....I can't do it...I really can't!

I have an hour tomorrow to do that contrast thing, but I'm having second thoughts. I'm a little scared of that liquid, there are people who have died because of an allergic reaction to that liquid...so I think...what if in my desperation to have a baby, I die?? Wouldn't that be ironic?
And from what the doctor said, I look pretty normal, so why expose myself? But then again, what if the doctor's presumptions (does that word exist?) are wrong and I do have some blocking? I don't know, something tells me I shouldn't do that test, not because of the allergy, but mostly because I will spend money, have a bad time, and to hear: "everything's ok"....mmm...I'm not sure it's worth the sacrifice...I will think about it a little more...

Anyway, I think the conclusion of all this is: WAIT....continue Trying...RELAX...I don't see another way out...I insist, that exam tomorrow doesn't convince me at all....

Well, I'll tell you tomorrow if I did it or not. In the meantime, I will check this SO interesting blog: Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters that has really helped me out. In case you haven't visit it yet, do it, I'm sure you'll like it as much as I do. I think everybody knows it, but anyway, I wanted to put it here!!

I'm sorry I think this blog wasn't very clear, but I needed to decompress!! Thank you for understanding!!

UPDATE: I feel SOOOO ignorant, I went to check on the blog I mentioned, and that "contrast liquid exam", is no more no less than the famous HSG!! LOL, it's just that the doctor put in the order a very loooong name, and I never did the association...and of course I, to the moment, never knew what exactly was the HSG test that most of the blogs I read mention. So now I know, and now I'm really terrified! on one side, but on the other side I read that it's useful to detect some other annomalies as well as blocked tubes, so then again it could be indeed useful. But maybe I will let another month go by, I don't feel prepared to be in such pain! and I read I could bleed for several days, and my fertile period is coming soon, so I think I will pospone it...

Not a good day...

2006-09-27T18:22:00.000-04:00

Today I'm definitively not feeling well....not physically (although I've had horrible cramps along the day), but mentally...emotionally...

I think it's probably a hormone disorder, due to my recently arrived period, but that doesn't make this feeling go away.

I know I've talked about this MANY times, but I really can't stop thinking about babies, infertility and everything related....

I got so angry today (internally, I didn't show it), because we got together with 2 friends to have lunch, and one of them was talking about the possibility that her husband goes to study an MBA in Spain, of course with her and their 2 kids. That's not a problem, what pissed me off was that she was all troubled because this 2-years-in-spain were messing her "3rd baby plan"....I don't know how to explain it, but the thing is I get the idea she's talking about "things", not babies, because she's like "if I start trying now, I won't have maternity leave covered, because I just entered the system (chilean things)", "but if I wait too long, I will have the baby far away"....OK, there's no problem she thinks that way, I would think about that stuff too...but when I suggested that maybe it wasn't that important to follow her "family plan" so strictly, that maybe she could wait a little longer to get pregnant so she could have her baby when she gets back, and she was like "NOOOO I don't want to wait that long, we (her husband and her) have all planned that our babies MUST have little difference between them, so whatever it takes, I will have my 3rd baby "on schedule"".....I mean COME ON!!!!! She doesn't care to be in a strange country, with 2 little kids AND a baby, it doesn't matter ANYTHING but "to be on schedule"....

And you know what's the worst thing of all? Finally EVERYTHING turns out for her JUST as she planned!! I don't know how she does it! Maybe I'm just jealous, I don't know...but it really made me sad, because it made me think "wow, she worries about being on schedule....I just wish I could HAVE a baby...one baby!!"....

I'm sorry, I think I'm not expressing very well, I'm really bitter today...finally my point is, I've learned so many times that you can't plan your life so accurately, finally God has the last word, and you have to be humble enough to accept that you can't control everything. I've had a hard time accepting this, so then comes my friend talking about her "planning", when I can't even plan my ovulation date!!! You know what I mean don't you??

OK, I have to go now to get my new car!! (:D) so I hope my mood gets better tomorrow!

See you!!

New car!!!...and disturbs...

2006-09-26T15:51:00.000-04:00

Ok, so we are ready with our car!!! Tomorrow we will pick it up!!! I'm soooo happy, that car has been like my "ideal" car for several years now, so I'm really really excited!!!

Related with the car, E and I had an "adventure" today.

We had to go downtown to sign some papers for the loan we needed for the car, and when we were walking back to the subway, I started seeing progressively more people with their noses covered, sneezing, coughing and with teary eyes, and I started to get a little nervous (there's like a "social strike"...no, not strike, I don't know the name, like protests?? something like that, thing is, students, teachers and health workers are "stopped" today), but E was like "no, there's nothing going on"....so cinic, because it was pretty obvious that there were students gathered everywhere...anyway, we continued walking and as we are walking down the subway stairs, I tell E "where do these people come from!!", because everybody that came out of the subway was REALLY teary and with the nose covered and all....the answer came quickly to me as we entered the subway station.....it was like I had smelled a ton of pepper....WORSE!!!!!! my eyes hurt like acid had fell in them...my nose was SO itchy, as well as my throat. I couldn't stop coughing, almost couldn't see because I could barely open my eyes, it hurt so much!!! And E made me a sign to keep my mouth closed to avoid breathing, but it was impossible because my nose hurt so much also!!!!!!!!

Luckily the subway came pretty soon and the air started to clear a few minutes later...I don't know if you've heard "teary bombs"....they use it here whenever these strikes-protests occur, I don't know the components but the effect is literal!!!!!

So well, good thing to have signed the loan...but it sure did take some sacrifice!!! LOL...

I admit though, even if it was a pretty disgusting experience, I felt a liiiiittle good, I mean it was an adventure!!! I sound veeery naif, I know, but I had never been "attacked" by those bombs, and for the most of it they are harmless, but the experience....I felt like a soldier in the middle of a battlefield...a survivor!!! LOL....I'm stupid, I know, but I can't help it!!!!!!

Well, besides these entertaining story, my period arrived today...of course...it was (almost) no surprise...and it's a FULL period....so there's no chance of ANYTHING.....

Related to that, I decided to change the RE I was going to. Thing is, the daughter of a friend of my mom (I know the phrasing is wrong, but I thought "a friend of my mom's daughter" didn't sound right) had a lot of trouble getting pregnant...and now she just had her baby, thanks to Doctor Gonzalez (I'm not afraid of saying his name, because Gonzalez is the most popular last name here..). I got that information casually; the day my niece was born we ran into them (friend and daughter) and they said his name. The problem was that I thought a friend of mine had had that doctor when she had her first son, and it was a pretty bad labour, because the doctor unpurposedly "broke" an artery of my friend...(I'm sorry, I really don't know medical terms in english) My friend turned out ok but she lost a lot of blood an all....

So of course I didn't want to go to that doctor. But yesterday, I asked my friend what was the name of her actual doctor (it was a cinical question, "I ran into this person the other day who named a doctor Gonzalez...is that your doctor?"), and it turned out the "bad" doctor was another one, and her actual doctor is this Gonzalez, that she likes A LOT.

So that decided me to go to this so called Doctor Gonzalez, having already 2 good referals (or references?). We're going next tuesday (instead of next thursday, so that's 2 days less of anxiety), and I really hope he doesn't give us one of those speeches we all hate: "well, and what are you doing here!!! you have to wait longer!!!!" or the annoying "there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with you, just relax and have fun"...I really wouldn't like to hear that...and certainly E neither (he's afraid that we go only for the possibility to hear that)....

But this time I'm prepared, I won't just listen, I want to explain to him that I don't care that he thinks we have to wait longer, that emotionally we aren't capable of continuing this "torture", that there are at least two things I suspect I could have: insulin resistence (PCOS involved) and/or low progesterone. That in the best of cases, we are 100% ok, but it's better for us to know for sure, and if there's something wrong, why wait longer. That we have been TTC not "just" 7 months, but 13 or 14 if we consider that we first started trying on april 2005, and "infertility" means when you're unable to conceive or bring a baby to full term in a year...and so on...I have quite some arguments, and I won't let him say me goodbye without asking me for some exams!!! LOL....

Ok, enough for now, this post is really long!!!

See you!!

That time of the month....

2006-09-25T17:57:00.000-04:00

Even though I've promised myself so many times that I don't have to be affected (or soo affected) by this TTC and that I have to "let it be when it have to be"....I still haven't been able to "receive" calmly those obvious signs that show me that AGAIN, there's no pregnancy this month.

I really try to act so naturally, telling my husband "mmm I think my period is about to come"...but then after a couple of hours (errr...minutes) I start with the "I-know-I-shouldn't-feel-bad-but-I'm-f*ing-pissed-off-with-this-whole-ttc-thing" speech...I hate it, really.

At least I've evolved to the point that I don't even think of the possibility of doing a HPT (well, I think of it, but that's just guilty-in the shower-thought).

It's like my thoughts start on the non-pregnant basis, and then I can allow myself wishful thinking ONLY if days pass and there's no AF sign. But as to today, there hasn't been enough space (or days) to allow the wishful thinking to come (except some 2 months ago when it came on CD33!!! that was a very cheaty game my body played to me...).

Sooooo...here I am, ready to go to a RE (next thursday, not this one!), hating the world, hating to be "different" from my friends, from my family...and having that HIDEOUS waiting...the one that has those "signs" (sporadic tiny-spotting), but that ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS has that minimum not-admittable hope that maybe, maybe for once I will be one of those persons that "ohhh I didn't think I could be pg because I had some spotting, but it turned out to be some implantation or something...spotting....", but that thought is followed by "come on, don't cheat yourself, you know that you'll never be one of those persons, you know that when (IF) you get pregnant, there'll be sure signs, in no way similar to those that you have each end of cycle".

I'm sorry I'm so bitter, but I know you understand me!!! We've all been there, haven't we???

Well, on other brighter thoughts, my niece is more wonderful each day, she's really really beautiful and I already love her so much. But of course, every time I see her, I feel that twinge of pain thinking "it would be SO great to have one of my own".....but well, I understand that's one part of the whole TTC process....

Other thing I've been thinking, after obsessing day after day about how fat I am, is that there's no way I can loose weight, mainly because I'm so anxious that I feel like eating all the time, so I've thought that next time someone says "it's better to get pg being thin", I will tell them "I WOULD HAvE BEEN thin if I'd gotten pregnant as fast as you did...!!!"...

I'm sorry, this post wasn't very logic or anything but I really needed to sort some things out....

Oh! at least one good news, we're getting a new car, I don't know if you have that model, it's a SUV, Toyota RAV4 advantage...love that car!! it's used but very good shaped!!! so that's something nice to tell you!! LOL!

See you, most probably next time I write I will be upset for having gotten my period on day35, after waisting (yet) another HPT that showed a VERY BFN....ha ha...

Long weekend ahead!

2006-09-14T12:34:00.000-04:00

Well, things have been a little hectic around here, mainly because we have our Independence Day on Monday (Sept. 18th), and Tuesday is "Armed Forced Glory Day" or something like that, so we have a very long weekend and historically, it's the most popular holiday. To be precise, Sept. 18th it's not our independence day, but the "First National Board" day. It was right after the King of Spain was taken prisioner, so chileans decided to make this Board to resolve what to do now that the King was a prisioner (this was in 1810). Anyway, for some reason we celebrate this day and not the real independence day that was February 12th, 1818 (maybe because that's in the middle of the summer! LOL).

OK, enough history for now, the point is we have a celebration here at my office tomorrow, with a barbecue for lunch and then several "chilean" activities, and I'm part of a "welfare commitee" so I have been organizing a lot....

And for the weekend, we're going with some friends to a nearby beach (the "non-kids" friends), so I'm pretty excited about it..

On other news, I wanted to say that Blogger isn't letting me leave comments (just in a few blogs), but I've been reading you all and wanted to say to K. that I'm very happy for you and I hope everything turns out ok!!

See you!!!

Yet another picture!!

2006-09-05T18:08:00.000-04:00

Doesn't she look like a doll??? Literally!!!

I'm sorry, I can't help myself....

Baby M...

2006-08-31T18:25:00.000-04:00

Wonderful baby!!!!

Sooooo long...

2006-08-31T18:19:00.000-04:00

Hi, if anyone's still following this blog, HI!!!!

I'm sorry, as I told you some time ago, my blogging would be less and less frequent...I'm really working a lot, and at home, I don't feel like using the computer....

Well, but now I wanted to write because my niece was born on Tuesday (August 29th)!!! She's called Matilde, and she's really really REALLY beautiful!!! The best of all is that my brother and SIL named me her godmother!!! I almost cried when they told me. The godfather will be SIL's brother.

I really feel very very bad for saying so much bad things about my SIL, but well, now I'm really really happy. Of course I can't help but feel deeply sad because I'm still not pregnant, and God knows how I would love to have a baby of my own. It seems the anxiety has grown exponencially after M was born. I've hold her A LOT and I love her so much already. It's not because she's my niece, but she's really really beautiful, she looks like a doll!! I'll try to post a picture, you'll see what I'm talking about!!!

Well, the rest of my life is pretty much the same as usual....I hope I'll soon have something more interesting to share with you!!!!

Good luck for everyone!!

Obvious

2006-07-28T16:33:00.000-04:00

As much as I decided to avoid worrying about TTC and all, I can't help but get angry this time of the month. Which one you might ask? The time when, as always, evidence hits me in the face, that I didn't get pregnant.

See, today I'm on CD 29, no menses yet. You might think "wow! how comes she haven't tested yet!!". Well, truth is, I'd decided to wait at least until CD 32, because that's my longest cycle ever recorded, and considering it's been so cold lately, I kind of KNEW my period would come in a little late.

But of course, today I started to think "what if?" but then "no way"...you know that kind of self Q&A you make...well, but then I decided that as we have to go to the drugstore anyway to buy E's stomach medicine, I would also buy a HPT, because we're going out with some friends tonight and better know that I can drink safely. LOL....

And then, as ALWAYS, I go to the bathroom and there they are, those stupid f*ing spots...not spots, but first AF signs...curious thing (WARNING! TMI here!), I hadn't got ANY of those, until I went to the "long" bathroom (you know what I mean). Historically (or at least for the past few years), before getting my period, going to the "long" bathroom is the most accurate proof, because it always always mean I will get those spots or I don't know how to call them. They're only when I wipe, and only after "long bathrooms", but there they were...

So any tiny hope I could have had, it's gone now, and it really pisses me off, even though I was pretty prepared this time. Well, I think I will never be enough prepared to receive that bad news. As the saying goes "hope is the last thing you loose" (I don't know how it is exactly in english)....so with the evidence, frustration comes along...

I'm really upset right now, that's the truth....

Well, as I told you before, I'm really really losing my faith in all this...I can't picture myself pregnant anymore, I think it will never come!!!

Sorry, must be PMS....

Dissapeared...

2006-07-20T21:27:00.000-04:00

I haven't written in some days now...mainly because of 2 reasons:

1) I really haven't had that much time, it seems I have progressively more and more work, and of course, less and less time left to, for example, write in my blog. I've always kind of bragged about my ability to do things faster than most people: talk faster, think faster, write faster, work faster. So at work, historically my so called ability has given me lots of spare time, to the point I laughed about people who were always saying "I'm so busy, I don't have any time left at work". But now, although I still have time to email my friends and E, it seems there's always something that prevents me from doing stuff. In fact, I have lots of "pendings"...
Anyway, I'm not at all uncomfortable with this new "concept". In fact, I'd always dreamed of having a job where I could really use the "45 hours a week" work life. So it's good for me! Although I have to let some "entertainment" for my house. LOL...

2) There are some moments when I could indeed write, but for some weeks now, I've come to realize that writing, specially about TTC, really stress me, and make my anxious levels go way beyond normal. I know I've already written about this, but as you can see, I really mean it this time. In fact, I've felt a lot more "free" now. Of course I've come to care about some of you, blog fellas, so I still read you, but regarding my own blog, I think I will "abandon" it for a while. Not 100%, but I pretend to write less.....until I have really good news to share with you!! LOL....

Regardless all of the above, I'm still not totally cured of my "TTC obsession", that's the truth. I'm still aware of some symptoms, but try to put the thoughts in the bottom on my mind as soon as they start to haunt me.

And of course, I still get ocasionally jealous of pregnant women. In fact, on the last couple of nights I have dreamed twice that some friends are pregnant.

The first one was that one of my good friends, who already have 2 children, was pregnant again (the last time I dreamed that about her, she came like 1 week after that saying that she was really pregnant!! that scared me a little!!!). And last night I dreamed that my other friend, F (the one that hasn't behaved very well lately) was 6.5 weeks pregnant (and she wasn't yet married, so it pissed me even more!!!!! You know what I mean? Come on, how can she be that fertile!!! She's on pills for Christ's sake!!), so in my dream, my first thought was "fuck, even if I turned pregnant this month, she would still be ahead of me!!! Pretty stupid and competitive thought but well, it was a dream!! And I know you understand me!!!!!

And of course, there's SIL, with her BIG BIG belly, with her wonderful nursery room...with my whole family totally crazy about this granddaughter/niece to come...I really need all my strength to avoid a breakdown!! You can't imagine how relieved I was because I didn't went to have lunch at my parents' house last weekend. My sister told me later that SIL had this LOOOONG lists with all the things she have to do now that she's on her maternity leave (she's 7.5 months, in Chile pregnant working women, by law, have 42 days of pre-maternity leave and 84 post..), and even my sister got bored about how much was she talking about the baby.

I know her attitude is more than fair, but I can't help but "hate" her in some sort of way, for having ALL the attention and be, forever, the first one in the family to have a son/daughter. I feel so stupid, but I can't help it.

I imagine when (if) I have a baby, it will never ever be the same as now. Stupid examples: my mom bought a crib, that according to her, will be THE crib that will pass from one grandson/granddaughter to the next one. So, I (I insist, IF) will get the "crib that was thought for the 1º granddaughter". It's not because it's new or old, it's the whole idea that bothers me so much. I hope you understand I'm totally aware of my childish behaviour, I know I AM the one with the problem...it's only I CAN'T HELP MYSELF!!!!

Well, that was my "open heart" for today!!! Now I will go back to worry about my favorite subject: illness, headaches looking like tumours or head strokes, and that kind of stuff...at least those worries doesn't make me have terrible thoughts about innocent people !! LOL....

Hope everybody's alright!!!!! I'll continue to read you and make sporadic appearances...who knows that maybe I have good news before we know!!!

Fat and tired....

2006-07-05T13:09:00.001-04:00

I don't have that much to write about lately....

The TTC subject, as I already related, is buried somewhere in the bottom of my mind. OK, I might be exagerating a little, I still think about it, still aware about dates, but for the most of it, I feel like I've come to get over the stress of it. I hope I continue that way when I'm in the 2 ww. But it has been really good for me, I insist, to mark some distance with stressing stuff about it: like temping, FF (which I visited yesterday just to have my data updated), even boards and things.

On other hand, I'm feeling really really fat lately. OK, I know it's my fault for eating so much and not being able to keep a diet, but anyway I feel horrible, full of "rolls"(that's what we call the fat in the stomach), and I'm getting kind of obsessed looking at everyone and finding everybody SO thin!! Specially women with little children or babies. I think "my God, how do they manage to be thin!!!". I've always struggled with weight, but until some years ago, I was pretty in shape (I realize that now, looking at pictures!!). But in some point my methabolism slowed and I can't keep myself in the same weight for more than 2 weeks. It's like I'm always gaining weight!! I know I have no problems with my thyroid, it's just my anxiety that I can't stop eating!!!!

Well, I'm now on a strict diet, that I hope to keep at least until my friend's wedding on August 26th. I also hope that by then I get pregnant, so then I can start with the right foot!!!

Thing is, I'm pretty tall, so I never look that fat, but I have this huge stomach I really really hate. Not to mention my sooooo huge butt. So I'm like a pear: no breast, but big bottom.

Also, I'm really tired. It doesn't matter how much I sleep, I'm always sleepy. I realized I only had 1.5 weeks of vacation, instead of the legal 3 weeks (because I was new on my job), so I didn't get to recover that much, and that 1.5 week rest only lasted half the year LOL!!!

E and I are planning to go out one of these weekends, just to relax and disconnect ourselves from our pressures! I hope we can find a nice place to go!!!

Well, as you can see, there's not much going on around here! Oh! And my friend F FINALLY got her ring!!! You know, engagement ring. She was waiting for it like for 2 years! So I had to forgot about her "bad attitude" and go congratulate her. Another wedding, diet again!! LOL (I REALLY hope by that time, March 2007, I will be very pregnant!!!!!)

That's about it. On the World Cup, I hope Portugal wins today, I like that team because they're like the "small ones" among all the big countries!!! Go Portugal!!!

Life goes on...

2006-06-28T17:03:00.000-04:00

I've realized nowadays I'm writing a lot less than at the beginning..but my life isn't that much interesting lately.

It's not that I'm bored or anything, but things are going pretty smooth, and I'm really ok with it.

Some news:

1) I've decided (again) to stop worrying about TTC...I really think I will succeed this time, because this month, for the first time in a LOT of months, I'm sure I'm not pregnant (we stopped trying for this month, remember), and even though in my fertile days I was a little anxious, it really released a lot of the pressure I had. E and I talked about it and he told me some things that made a lot of sense to me. It's like sometimes I get so obsessed with something, that I loose the whole point of it. So finally my life was only about "getting pregnant", whatever it took. And to begin with, we're conceiving a life!!! It's not like "I want a new car"...it's a human!!! So now I think I'm focused again, and I hope this will make things a lot easier!!!! In fact, no more temping for me, no more FF...of course I will keep track of my dates and all, but I'll try to relax a little more!!! I'll tell you how it goes!!!

2) As I'm no longer jealous of my SIL, I'm starting to get pretty excited about having a niece, so I started knitting!!! I'm making a blanket, very very pretty, and I'm planning on making her a pink sweater when I finish the blanket. I'm pretty happy about it!!!!

3) I'm getting a little tired, this time of the year is when I crave for vacations...winter, cold days, rain...really makes me want to stay at home!!!! But after july, things start to look better again, I have one of my best friend's wedding, then the baby...and then springtime, birthdays, longer days...LOL

4) Remember my friend F?? I don't know if you remember, is this great friend I've had since I was 13, but she's so egocentric that I'm having trouble keeping that friendship. Her last "hit": although she never calls me, some weeks ago she called me out of the blue, in the middle of the day (she's a doctor, currently doing her specialization, so she works all day), and didn't tell me anything special. "how've you been?" and that kind of conversation. It was the week my brother was in jail, but I didn't really feel like telling her about it. First, because I was at the office and didn't want someone to listen (eventhough I have a private office, the door is always open!), and second, she's very "gossiper" (you know that people who are always telling you "did you know X blablabla"), so I didn't want the whole city to know about it.
Well, the other day my mom tells me (this is kind of complicated to explain, because it's pure she told me that you told me that he told me....stuff) that her best friend, C, told her that D (my friend F's mom, who's friends with my mom and her friend C) knew all about my brother, because A (my soon to marry friend) told F about it, and F told her mom D. Did you get it??? So I call my friend A to see why she told F...and she told me the following: turns out my mom's friend C told F's mom (D), who told F...so F called me JUST TO SEE if I told her what she already knew (she was hoping I'd tell her "my brother is in jail" and she'd been like "really!! I had no idea!!"), just to feel better I think. So as I didn't tell her anything, she was a little upset with me...can you believe it!!! (well, thing is A did tell her "did you know what happen to josefina?" and F told her "yes, C told my mom").
I'm really sad, because AGAIN it was all about her. I mean, if she already knew, she could have told me "I know what happened, how are you doing? do you need anything", but not call me to SEE if I would tell her!! And then get angry because I told A and not her!!!! Yes, she sound like a 5 year old!! And how can she be SO self-centered!!!! I mean, I was having a rough time!!!!
I'm really really dissapointed with this friend...because she has no space in her mind to worry about ANYTHING but herself!!!! This confirms me, once again, that you can tell good friends from bad ones, when you're having bad times...I mean, A called me everyday to see how was I and my family, my other friend C, also called me EVERYDAY...but F....it really amazes me how does she pretend I will tell her my intimate things if she calls me ONLY when she thinks she can get something from me (gossip or whatever she needs), and never once asks me how I am (you know, the real question, like from the bottom of the heart, not the "hi how are you" question). She can only think about her wedding (totally imaginary for the moment), her being a doctor, and nothing else!!!!
Well, the only thing that prevents me for deciding not to be friends with her anymore is that I've been friends with her for 15 years, so there is a lot of memories, and of course I care about her, but I can't consider her my "best friend" as before, don't you think?

So, finally I wrote a lot!! I've forgotten to write about F, but there you got it!!!!
Got a meeting so I got to run!
See ya!!

No particular news...

2006-06-23T15:48:00.000-04:00

There's not much going on around here...

I had my OB/GYN appt on wednesday, it went better than I thought....I mean, I think it will never ever be pleasant to have someone checking on your most intimate parts, but at least my doctor is very nice and made me feel somewhat relaxed.

He then called E in (he was waiting outside because when I started telling him about how was it that the doctor checked on me, he started going pale LOL), and gave a little speech about being relaxed, that we're both empirically fertile, and that don't pressure ourselves and bla bla bla...I felt a little more de-pressured (even though he had told us almost the same after the "m/c"), but E didn't totally buy it. He was silent, but in the car he went on saying that of course the doctor doesn't know how it is to be month after month thinking about TTC and all that. I agree with him in that, but anyway the doctor "opened my eyes" (for a while I think...LOL), like well, what's the point in hurrying that much...but then again, I'm still not 100% convinced of our so called proven fertility, because of course I could have a problem that makes me loose babies (I told the doctor that, but he was like rolling his eyes), having had a chemical pregnancy does not transform me in a fertility problem-free person, but well, I hope I'm just blabbing and everything turns out ok at the end.

I still have an u/s next week to check on that miome, but the doctor assured me it's just "therapy III", meaning he's sure there's nothing wrong with that miome, but for my mental sanity, he sent me to do the u/s...

At least the whole appt is over, now I have one thing less to worry LOL!!!!

Well, the rest of my life has been pretty normal, I've had a hectic week at work, so today I'm just procastinating (word that I learned from another blog!), waiting for a client's visit to check on our plants...

Have a great weekend! (long one for us !!!)

Hypocondriac stories...

2006-06-21T17:09:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, while I was trying to get asleep, I thought I was going to share with you some awfully embarrasing experiences I've had gone through for being an hypocondriac:

Introduction: my hypocondry started when I was around 15, all because a classmate was talking about this "fabulous book" she had read...curiously, that book was in my house, so I read it: it was about a woman who had died at 24 due to a head tumor. Of course, at that age, girls are really insecure about everything, and I was really traumatized because of that book: started thinking any headache I had was a tumor and things like that. This was exacerbated (does that word actually exists?) by another story around that time, of a girl, one year younger, that had recently died from leuchemia...(it was a girl some of my classmates knew). There was a book about her too, and once I couldn't resist the (masoquist, I know) urge to take a look at it, but stopped myself because I was REALLY suffering.
Anyway, from that time I've always suffered A LOT inventing myself terrible diseases and illnesses...it's really exhausting. At least I've grown enough to realize when I'm being extremely stupid! LOL...
Well, another thing is that my father's sister died at 20 (I think I already told you this, but just for the record) from a head stroke (aneurism), so that "young dieing" has haunted me forever...

Okay, now that you know how this all begun (I really don't feel a bit proud of being like this, but I can laugh about myself, and why not give you the chance of knowing the ridiculous me), some stories:

1) Once (around that age too) I started feeling, or better said, not feeling my legs...it was a STRANGE feeling...(I remembered this because my brother reminded it to me some months ago), I think I was only tired or nervous...it's not that I didn't feel them, they were ...like have you ever felt you need to press something with your hand, because it seems weak? Well, it doesn't matter, it wasn't anything OF COURSE! but I was so so scared, I was crying and all...my brothers still laugh at me for that....

2) This happened like in december (past december!). Just before my brother's wedding in november, I caught a cold that left me voiceless, and considering that I had to read at mass, I had to go to the doctor and all. There's nothing with that, though. But after the wedding, I think a couple of weeks later, I started having "trouble to breath", I mean, I needed to take a deep breath like every 5 minutes and my back hurt all the time. So, my self-diagnostic: PNEUMONIA...LOL!! So I went to the doctor (E included), and the doctor made me several exams...and he said: I think you're really tense, I recommend you go to a shrink, maybe he can give you some "relaxing medicine"...Imagine how I felt at that moment...he told me there was NOTHING wrong with me, in fact I breathed above average...and blablabla...so when we went out, I started crying like shet! (I think many people thought I really had something serious). Because I felt SO ridiculous, having gone to the doctor, it was like a "you're definitively crazy" alert....now I find it funny, but in that moment I felt so embarrased!!!!! LOL...stupid me (in fact, nowadays that backache has come back, but now I know better! LOL).

3) Once I went to a dermatologist to check my face (I suffered from acne when I was a teenager, and I still get pimples all the time), but as I was there, I showed her a strange "mole" that has appeared in my hand...it was this thing, flesh coloured...but I was a little worried LOL...sooooo, she told me : it's NOTHING (she was very comprehensive, though)...and guess what, it dissapeared a couple days later LOL!!!

4) My new worry is moles (as I posted some time ago)...of course I went to check myself, totally sure one mole had grown...and no, nothing wrong....

5) I was once really really worried because my head kept aching...I though I had sinusitis, but as I kept being worried, my mom took me to the doctor, who (for my own sake) told me to do a scanner...that word REALLY scared me...in fact, we payed extra to have the results earlier...and yes, there it was, a retiring sinusitis...LOL....

6) The day before starting my first real job after university, I started feeling one side of my face like "sleepy" (you know when you sleep over your arm, that it feels funny, like with little ants, or something)...so I was SO sure I was about to have a head stroke...they only way I got to sleep was praying really really hard....it happened again before another big event (I think another job), so then I understood it was just a nervous reaction LOL!!!!

I'm starting to sound really pathetic, but believe me, most of the time I don't go to the doctor because the rational me know, very in the bottom of my thoughts, that I have nothing, but I have had some serious trouble going to sleep many nights, thinking I have something. And the funniest thing of all, is that I always imagine the WORST diseases:
Headache= tumor or aneurism
Backache= neumonia or lung cancer
Stomachache= at least I know I have irritable intestin sindrome, so I don't worry much about that LOL
Laringitis= throat cancer (not really LOL, but the thought has crossed my mind)
Heartache (more like a "gas")= heart stroke
Sleepiness= any of the above...
and so on....it's really pathetic, I insist, but I really can't help it. I think, as E always says to me, is that I can't stop worrying about something, so when I don't have any particular problem, I focus on diseases...crazy ha???

Busy days...

2006-06-20T10:01:00.000-04:00

Well, I haven't had much time to write, less check on other blogs...I have a LOT of work, and at home I'm kind ofobsessed with this new game I found, Qwizard .

There's nothing too interesting going on. After what happened with my brother, E and I decided to "suspend" TTC for this month, given the fact it really stressed us out, and E's been having a lot of stomach problems lately, so there's no much "baby mood" these days. I think maybe it will be good for us, specially for me, as to relax a little bit and try to enjoy more than suffer with having a baby.

My brother (as you asked, Ben), with my other brothers and 3 cousins, got together on my parents' house (here most people live with their parents until they marry), and then went out, and when they were arriving to a club, they fighted with other boys, nothing serious. But then, like 4 police cars (not cars, more like mini-trucks) arrived, and "arrested" them, specially my brother J, who was trying to get away, and they kicked him badly (while they had him in the floor, mouth to the floor), then all the way to the hospital (they had to check for injuries), they were kicking and punching him, calling him "son of your daddy" (that's like spoiled brat), "little rich boy" and all kinds of things like that. And then at the hospital (it was more like a medical center) they decided he was in a very bad condition, so they told the police to take him to a bigger hospital, and somewhere in that moment, my brother, desperate and very injured, hit with his head on a policeman's nose (of course after that they kicked him harder...on the way to the hospital!!! he was unconscious for 3 hours, but no Rx was made to him). So he was accused of "bad treatment to police"...and was taken to jail right after that....

It was all very unfair, specially that they kept him 10 days!!!! and of course, the policeman had nothing!!! (my parents saw him on monday, 1 day after the incident)...and my brother is now processed and risks up to 5 years in prison!!! OF COURSE there's no way that will happen, we are planning on sueing (if that's the correct word) the policemen for "unnecesary violence"...

Well, that's the story, it was really hard for all my family, specially my mom who looked like a zombie...At least my brother is doing well now, studying very hard to catch up in his university, and things are coming back to normal...

On other subject, tomorrow I have my GYN appt, which is nothing I look forward too. The only idea of being there makes me shiver...and of course, as to be "presentable" I have a waxing appt today...so it's not a funny week for me!!!! LOL....

I'll tell you about it after I get through it!!

Have a nice week!!

Back from hell....

2006-06-14T12:41:00.000-04:00

Finally my brother got out from jail...yesterday!!!! He was 10 days!!!! Can you believe it????

Yesterday was an awfully stressful day: my parents at marcial court, me at the (where the prosecutor is), waiting to see if the court decided to see the case yesterday...well, a lot of burocracy almost kept my brother one day more in jail. Fortunately (if we can call it that) my dad's sister (who died at 20...on 1974) was really good friends with a woman who is now a senator, and she helped us out a lot. I don't like the idea of using influences to sort things out, but in this country things don't work well unless you have influences, and she talked to someone who allowed my father to talk to the president of the court, and he (at the last minute) decided to see the case yesterday. So then they faxed the "temporary freedom" paper to where I was, so I could pay the "bail" (do you call it that?? I looked it up in a dictionary), and then they could send another paper to jail so they could release him (like 3 hours later)....it was very very heart-touching to see my brother again, he couldn't stop saying "what a nightmare"....
Then my parents took him to the hospital to check him thoroughly, his eardrum has a hole, and some eye bleeding...at least no internal coagulums or nothing serious, but he is well beaten...

At least the worst is over, now the process continues but my parents are going to hire a really good lawyer (because the one we had for this first part, really sucked, he really didn't care for my brother!!), and this senator told my mom that there's no way my brother will go to jail again....she's going to help us as much as she can (because as you know, legislative and judicial power can't interfere with each other)...and she's really FURIOUS with what the police did to my brother....I hope there can be something done!!!!! Well, and my mom even contacted a minister!!! who she knew from her university (see, this is a small country!!!), and she was also worried, I think she talked to someone in court also LOL!!!!!

Well, E and I have been REALLY stressed, it has been very difficult times for my family, specially my mom, so I hope things can now get back to normal, and my brother can continue his life without major traumas, because he's really affected.....

On the TTC news, I'm a little worried because we haven't been much in the mood really, with all this happening, and fertile days are just around the corner!! (CD 12) I hope God can give us a hand and allow us to conceive even with the odds turned against us LOL....well, we talked last night about this (with E) and decided to relax a little more with this, in fact, I won't take my temps anymore, it drives me crazy!! So try to have a good time, and not compare ourselves so much with our friends who have a lot of babies...I hope we suceed!!!!!

I will check out other blogs now, to catch up!!!

SHS...

2006-06-09T09:48:00.000-04:00

That stands for "sick husband sindrome"...do you know it?? LOL...

My dearest husband is coming down with a flu, and that, my friends, is not funny!!! LOL....I don't know why is it that men are so lousy at being sick (well, at least my husband, dad, brothers, and friends' husbands are!)....but they are indeed a little "pain in the ass" when it comes to being sick.

E thinks that feeling ill is equivalent to being grumpy...and when I ask him why is it that he's so grumpy he answers, so matter of factly "well I don't feel well!!!!"...but I still don't make the relation!!! Of course they want us to take care of them as much as possible, LOL...I'm being a little too hard on him, and of course I'm exaggerating, but anyway I have a point here, don't you think?

At least today starts the Soccer World Cup in Germany, and that has E totally excited and expectant....so it will be a soccer weekend!!!! And it's a long one, so I will have a great chance to rest!!

P.S.: there's no news still with my brother. Today the prosecutor will say if she gives him temporal freedom or not!!!

Thankful

2006-06-07T09:57:00.000-04:00

Thank you all for your support!!!! It's really nice to know there are so many people worried about this situation!!! Really, thanks a lot!!!

I have no further news as for now. Thanks for the explanation on the prosecutor - attorney - lawyer thing!! I can only tell you that police here are the worst. It looks like when they first caught my brother (after he and my other brothers and cousins have been in a fight), they kicked him really hard...so it's so unfair, I mean he didn't deserve that treatment!!! Oh well, I only hope the prosecutor decides tomorrow that he can go and then come back for the trial. I really would love that we had your US system here. It has modernized a lot in the civil justice, but the military one is like sooooo old....

Well, yesterday I went out with my little sister, we had a GREAT time, we laughed a lot and talked a lot, I really love my sister so much!! (I was trying to put a picture of us but blogger doesn't let me!!!). And it was good also because she's very affected with what's happening to my brother, so she could also let out her feelings...she's so pissed with my dad (we all are), in these situations he just "dissapears", I mean, it's my mom who's talking to the lawyer, calling everyone she knows who can be of help, going to the "prosecutory" (LOL I don't have a clue of the word, in spanish it could be that) by herself or with my brother. My dad goes only if my mom asks him to...you know? he sorts of "blocks" and doesn't do anything. My mom is totally devastated, for my brother AND because my dad doesn't help her. So I was talking to E, and we think we'll have to have more protagonism in this story, so my mom won't be alone with this....

I'll tell you more when I know something!!

Thanks again!!!

Nothing much

2006-06-06T17:50:00.000-04:00

Well, there's nothing much going on around here....I just noticed that the sky is looking really beautiful...but that has nothing to do with this...

My brother's still in jail. At least now he has a new lawyer, a former military attorney (now forgive me here, I barely know the words in spanish, so I don't know the name, prosecutor may be), so he has a LOT of experience in this stuff. He managed to talk to my brother, who sent a letter to my parents saying things are not going so bad, food is not that bad and that to tell his girlfriend that he loves her very much (I must admit I had to fight back tears when my mother read me that part)....
Anyway, things are a little complicated, but at least the prosecutor (I still don't know if that's the correct word) listened to my other brother's and cousin's declaration...and she was very impressed to know the treatment the police gave to my brother (who is in fact, deaf from one ear for the moment, said the lawyer).
So, we'll have to wait until thursday to see what the attorney decides to do. My brother is a little desperate because he's loosing classes in the university...but well...we'll see!!

On other news, I'm now really determined to loose some weight, I have these pants on I bought 2 months ago, and now they're all stretch!!!!! I hate it when I "feel my fat"...LOL...so I'm pretending to loose a few kg (like 6 pounds I think...) before I go to my GYN appt!!!

Oh! And yesterday I went to the dermatologist to check my moles (lunars), they were all ok. So that only leaves the dentist pending!!! So then I will have an almost complete revision of my body. Good for me!!!

Thanks!!

2006-06-05T17:13:00.000-04:00

Ben , you're a genius!!!!

Thanks K. for your help also!!!!

It's so nice to have people to help you!!!!!!

Thanks again!!!

Format....

2006-06-05T11:19:00.000-04:00

I don't know why my blog looks so strange, with all the sidebar in the bottom.

Anyone has any clues of how can I fix that?

Thanks!!!

Another week

2006-06-05T10:13:00.000-04:00

Well, I haven't written in a couple of days, mainly because I was a little busy, and there wasn't too much going on.

Now, after the weekends, there are some news - no TTC related:

1) One of my brothers is currently in jail!!!!!! Believe me, this is nothing we are remotely used to!! Thing is, saturday night, my brothers and cousins (men meeting) got together, and then decided to go dancing, of course having drunk a lot. So outside the club they started fighting with some other guys, and the police came to separate them, and one of the policemen received a punch in his nose, given by my brother. So, as you can imagine, they were all brought to the station, and my brother (the "punch" one) was set aside, after being seriously "attacked" by a lot of policemen (they love to abuse being in control, and specially with all these "spoiled boys who have everything they want and think they can do anything"). So, to make the story short, my brother was sent to jail while the military justice makes an audience or some legal stuff I don't understand at all. My mother is devastated, angry and worried at the same time. My father doesn't want to know anything about this whole mess, and well, that's about it for now. I'm pretty worried, but very mad: this is not the first time my brother gets himself in trouble for drinking so much (in Chile people drink A LOT and it's not very responsible with driving or so): he had a huge car accident a couple of years ago, and some other minor things. But he's a nice guy, very funny and relaxed, and never gets angry. But it seems when he drinks, he loses control of himself and become very aggresive (that's what my other brother told my mom). So I hope at least he can have his lesson now, and stop behaving like such a baby!!!!!

2) There's currently in my country a huge "student movement". High class students organizated in such a good way, they've managed to transform their movement in a national situation. See, they want better education quality, they're asking to reform the current educational law. The point is that public schools here (how do you call a section of the city that is ruled by a mayor? well, public schools are more like "local schools": each ....(put word that describes "section of the city ruled by a mayor" here) administrates their schools, so money isn't the same for each school) are REALLY bad, some don't even have decent bathrooms. So they're asking for better education and all that. There are more than half a million students (that's a lot for our country!) involved, but the good thing is they're very prepared, they know perfectly well what to do, and disturbs have been very few. So, our (lady) president is totally over her capacity, and haven't come to any good solution. Well, what do you know, it's in CNN (not very clear and biased, but to give you an idea!!)

3) I had a number 3 that self-erased when I corrected the link that was giving my blog a strange format, so I forgot what it said, I think it was something about my weekend, but I don't remember!!!

Well, have a nice week!!!

Quick post

2006-06-01T18:08:00.000-04:00

I have to leave for my therapy, but I wanted to write a few words:

I'm definitively not pregnant: there's already some "dirtyness" when I wipe...and as much as some people do have some "pregnancy spotting", there's no difference between this month and the others before.

Anyway, I'm not suffering that much, because I think there were some issues needed to be solve (thinking about "divine timing"). For example, and mainly I think, there was E's job, that finally, today, he closed a pretty good deal: a fixed income, very reasonable one, and also he will a partner in the company, which means, among other things, he can have some "profit withdrawals" that company associates normally do. So we can finally relax about money, and debts, and all that, and believe me it has been a huge issue since we got married. So maybe now, inconsciously, we now we can have a baby without having to worry about money (don't get me wrong, it never ever crossed our minds to pospone baby plans because of money, but it's surely better to know we have no HUGE debts).

Well, got to run!!!
I will let you know when AF (I found that name very very funny!!! my mom has always call it "mary" (in english!)) makes her unwanted appearance!!

Hope-less...

2006-05-31T15:21:00.000-04:00

I'm reaching that part of the month (cycle speaking) when I just KNOW I won't turn out to be pregnant when testing day comes. Sometimes it's because of evident PMS signs, sometimes it's just that I can't really imagine getting a BFP again one day. Yes. Sometimes I get pretty hopeless....

Today the defining thing was my temp. It was very low, so I took it again, thinking I must had taken it wrong, and although it climbed up a little, it was just above coverline, I mean 0.12 ºC above.

So of course my first thought: damn it, period is just around the corner. Second thought: but well, I'm on 11 dpo, I shouldn't be getting it yet. Third thought: of course there is a problem with my left/right (I don't know which) ovary that it's making me have irregular menses (because these "problems" come every other period). Fourth thought: that f*ing "miome" has sure grown enough to make me have fertility issues. Fifth thought (thanks to FF and TMI in general), maybe I am indeed pregnant and this is the "implantation dip" (although it'd be a little late for implantation). Sixth though: this sucks.

So, as you can see, I'm not in the best of moods today. Of course I think now, this should probably be PMS!!! Irritability, sensible, and all that crap...

Anyway, I'm thinking I will change my GYN appt, I don't think I can wait until june 21st to know what's going on with me (if there's something going on! most probably not, but not knowing is making me too anxious).

As stupid as it may sound, along with these "depressed" thoughts, I still have a little hope. For example, last night I suddenly woke up with my throat really really sore. It was like I couldn't swallow without feeling an intense pain (I'm pretty sure it was not that intense, but half-asleep, things seem a lot worse), and then, in the middle of my sore throat, I started to feel a little nauseous (not dizzy, just "throw up" sensation), but I thought it was because of the great coughing urge I had. But then this morning I had the sensation again, and my throat didn't sore a bit. So of course the "magical thinking" hit me: maybe I'm pg!

Then again, I remember last night I ate a creamy dessert (I went out with a friend), and cream always makes me feel nauseous the next day, so that must be it.

I'm really starting to hate mother nature. Why is it that you are fertile for just 24 hours!! 72 considering sperms' duration. And then, why is it that you have to wait 2 entire weeks to know if you're pregnant!!! I'm really not satisfied with these timings, that's the truth....

Well, I'll let you know when AF shows (I've already figured out what AF means, I think, although I don't know what the A and F stands for??)...

There you go...

2006-05-30T09:56:00.000-04:00

Thanks so much K. and S. for your tips!! As you can see, they worked!!!

Well, so now everybody will be able to know where am I in this TTC journey!!!

Today is 10 dpo, the time of the month where I think there's no way I'll be able to wait until 14 dpo. Also, by this time is when every month, no exception, my hopes start to go really up, because - very naive of me - I see no menses' signs, and start to feel pregnancy symptoms. It's always the same, so I'm like starting to recognize all these things and trying to keep my feet in the ground!!

Last night we watched "Saw" (I know it's not a very new movie, but neither E or me had seen it), and of course I had nightmares about the movie. It's a good movie (very "point and click games" inspired, we thought), but it's a little too graphic...

And about E, he finally talked to his bosses (yesterday, not friday), but they couldn't get to the part of income definition. E managed to tell them what he would expect to earn, but they didn't give him a final answer about that, but of course they told him that they really needed him and all that stuff. Supposedly today they'll define that particular issue, as they have to make him a contract starting june 1st. Well, I hope finally he has an answer, and we can stop stressing at the end of each month, not knowing how much are we going to have each time!!!!

Another thing is that I'm coming down with the flu or something, my throat hurts, I'm sobbing (not crying-sobbing, but flu-sobbing, you know? I don't want to give TMI), my back hurts like hell, and I'm feeling really really tired...of course naive me again, don't want to take any risks so I'm just having some "paracetamol", that my friends' doctors have given them while pregnant. Hope this go away soon!!! I hate it to be like this!!!

See ya!!

Ticker problems...

2006-05-29T15:57:00.000-04:00

I'm trying so hard to put a ticker in my title, but there's no way I can do it, so I'll put it here.

Help is very welcomed!!!

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/ticker/12af37/ttc.png

5 days to go...

2006-05-29T09:47:00.000-04:00

Hi! Hope everybody had a nice weekend!!!!

Thanks Lorem about your "breast advices", I too think there's nothing wrong with my sister, but anyway, as you say, it's very good that she has already started checking herself.

As my title says, I'm already in the final "waiting" week, and I'm indeed a little anxious. Of course I've been checking any suspicious signs, but still, there's nothing too evident. I think being "constipated" is THE thing I find a little strange. I mean I usually have "constipation" episodies, but I think this is a little different...well, we'll know in 5 days! LOL....

Today I weighed myself (I'd dreaded to do it because I knew I was fat! but today I decided it's the only way to eat less!), and I was VERY fat....so I decided I need to loose a couple of KG (I don't know the conversion, I think it'd be like 6-8 pounds?) before I go to the gynecologist, whether I'm pregnant or not.

Well, we had a nice weekend: baptism of a friend's son, birthday, and yesterday, my parents' house.

That's what I can report as for now (monday mornings aren't the best time to be creative!)!!

Tired and a little moody

2006-05-26T10:55:00.000-04:00

I'm so glad today's friday, because I'm SO tired. I think the alarm went off today when I was in the middle of my deepest sleep phase, so now I'm feeling quite irritable...

Of course, I can't help but think about EPS (early pregnancy symptoms), but of course, I'm ALWAYS tired (I need at least 9 to 10 hours of sleeping to be recovered), so it's not that strange.

I think this month anxiety will be higher than last month, because I do have this great hope, and of course, the 4th month TTC is somehow a milestone for me....well, 1 more week, and we'll know!

On other topic, my little sister was very worried she had found herself "something" in her boobs, so my mother took her to have a sort of "breast ultrasound"....and they indeed found a nodule, very very small (lentle size), that of course it's probably nothing, but my mom calls me saying "they found a nodule....lentle size, that the dr says it only has to be monitored, but I'll ask another doctor for his opinion"....with this serious a little worried voice that gave me the creeps...I KNOW there's nothing wrong with my sister, of course how many of us must have those micro-nodules, but anyway I got a little nervous. My sister was only moody, because my mom kept calling people and putting her on the phone, that's so typical of my mom...well, I just called my sister to hear from her what was really it, and well, I was pretty much the same my mom told me, but in another tone, you know what I mean? Ok, I think it'll be ok (my sister is 15 by the way).

Today's supposed to be THE day, when E's going to talk with his bosses about his future in that company. I hope things turn out well!!!

Friends...

2006-05-24T15:51:00.000-04:00

I was trying to post a picture of my long-long hair but the page kept showing me an error.
I'll try later, so you can get the idea!!

Yesterday I got together with my school friends, and (as usual) I got a little bored. There's this particular friend who's SO self-centered, she couldn't stop talking about her (totally un-concrete) wedding, how many guests, the place of the party, the person who will make her dress...but the funniest thing of all is that all's based in her beliefs that her boyfriend will ask her to marry him....she says they've already talked about it and all, but she's been going on with this for like 2 years!!!

Give me a break! There are other things going in the world!!

For example, our other friend that is REALLY getting married in august, I couldn't ask her anything about the organization or anything. And the other one (we're 4) has a new boyfriend (after a terrible marriage that lasted like 1 year) was eager to tell us all about him, but she had to made HUGE efforts to be listened because the "false-wedding" one kept interrupting with comments like "but what should I do with my MIL, that will PROBABLY want this and that"....really annoying.

And me? Of course there was no way I was even going to TRY to talk about something regarding my life..that has happened for the last couple of times we'd get together, so I don't even try to talk anymore (and believe me, I love to talk!). It's not that I would like to talk all the time, but there are indeed some things I can talk about...but it seems no one cares much (of those friends, of course I can talk to other people, but not with "self-centered" absorbing the conversation).

And to top this "meeting", new-boyfriend-divorced-friend told me that my hair was red!!!! And it was in a very serious tone, like saying "it is very red (with a kind of strange face, like "i don't like it")". It is not RED (I don't have anything against red hair, but I hate it when people try to convince you of something you're sure it's not that way), but it really upset me a little.

E can't understand why I keep being friends with SC (self-centered), but sometimes, when it's just her and me, I can manage to get her out of her favorite subject and things doesn't go so bad.

Anyway, after last night experience, I decided I will take some "distance" from SC and B (boyfriend-divorced friend), it doesn't do me any good and my free time is limited, so I definitively rather spend that time with some nicer people!!

Well, as you see, I'm not liking my friends a lot today (I know I've posted about this before, but I don't know how to make a link without looking for the post for a long time)...of those 3, only 1 is still likeable for me! LOL!

Baby-pregnancy news: NONE, just in that waiting-still-not-anxious phase, that I don't like very much, but I think I'm starting to get used to it, because it seems each month I get less anxious (at least on the 1st waiting week, I don't know what will happen next week!!). FYI I'm on DPO4, so 10 days more of waiting!!

Hairless!!!

2006-05-23T11:21:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, as announced,I went to cut and dye my hair....I loved the color!! But my new haircut...hmmm...I'm having a bit of a hard time getting used to having my hair like half the length it used to have (it was all the way down to my ankles, or somewhere around there. Now it's only "boobs length"), but on the other side, I like the way I look with a lot less hair, and having this more "modern" look.

E loved my "Guinevere look" (Guinevere from King Arthur...medieval look), so he's not very thrilled about all this, but he still says he finds me beautiful, and he only needs to get used to this haircut.

All and all, I'm very happy, because I think I looked too childish, and now I feel like a "young, modern, executive woman" LOL....and of course, I now don't have to worry about eventually hurting a baby, because of dyeing my hair while pregnant! (although there was another woman at the parlor and she was happily pregnant and happily dyeing her hair!)

On other news, FF finally marked my ovulation day: last saturday (just as I thought so!). I'm very happy because our timing was very adequate, and also because I'm already in DPO3.

What else...well, E's still with a lot of work, very stressed, but at least yesterday I found a job very suitable for him, so maybe he'll apply. But even though he doesn't get the job or doesn't even apply, it's good to know that there are indeed some job opportunities for him, that I'm sure makes him feel a lot more confident about himself!

New week

2006-05-22T15:36:00.000-04:00

Well, we had a really nice weekend, a little intense, but nice anyway.

The best thing of all is that we've been doing our "homework" very well, so I'm even feeling hopeful!!

On other news, E and I went to his "sugar" doctor today, to check his levels and everything. He was pretty good, only he has to take it easy on carbs and sugar.

I think I don't have much to tell today. I can only refer to my temps, that are acting a little crazy and I'm confused. Yesterday it was really up, so I was confident I'd already ovulated, but today it went down again, not THAT down, but as FF doesn't know that my temps are normally very low (because I haven't been able to temp everyday, so the graph shows a lot of zig-zags), it hasn't declared me "already ovulated", but well, I'm pretty sure I did already ovulate around friday or saturday. Anyway, I'll keep temping, hoping that tomorrow it goes up again and stays there!!

That's about it for now. I'll catch up on other blogs!

Strange day

2006-05-19T17:45:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling a little strange today...not physically...or maybe yes, but mostly emotionally...

There hasn't been anything in particular today that could've made me feel like this...so I think it's mostly that I'm very worried about E's job. I mean, I can't believe we're just 10 days away from the end of the month, and still nobody's been able to tell him what his conditions will be...it really sucks. And of course, he can't just say "ok what the f'ck, I'm outta here"...because he still likes what he does and of course, he does like 90% of what has to be done. So it's not easy to leave. And it's not like he raises his hand for a job and "pum!", a new job arrives.

I don't know, sometimes I feel very selfish, but I feel a little "abandoned" by him. I mean, we talk a lot, and are pretty close these days with the TTC and all, but I feel that he's always thinking about his job, and in fact, most of our conversations have that issue included. I know he needs to talk about it with someone, and of course I love it that he trusts me enough to tell me everything. But still, sometimes I think it's even worse to keep talking and talking about something that doesn't have a clear end yet, and it's getting pretty exhausting to be 20 hours a day talking about the same thing.

Anyway, E knows perfectly well that he's not being his usual self, but he can't help it, I know. He's always been very stressed about work, always thinking the worst is going to happen and all. But now it is really bad, because for as much as I know, in 10 days all we'll have will be my income, and that sure doesn't cover our expenses.

Well, I still hope things can get solved soon, but I've been thinking that for so long now that I'm starting to get a little desperate.

On other merrier news, today is my brother's birthday, tomorrow one of my closests friends is having her "ring ceremony" (we have a ceremony here where a priest blesses the wedding rings and the soon-to-be bride and groom put them on, the literal name is like "put-on the rings", it sounds funny in english, you sure have another name for it), and sunday, E and other friends' husbands want to go Karting, so us wives will be there to cheer them up. Pretty interesting weekend ahead!! (and a lot of work, because I offered my friend to make the desserts for her ceremony LOL).

Have a nice weekend!!

Niece!!!

2006-05-18T12:14:00.000-04:00

Today my brother and SIL had an u/s, and it turned out their baby is a girl!!!!!!

This is quite a surprise, considering on the last u/s there were 80% chances it was a boy, and we were already talking about the baby boy, with a name and all. We'd even bought some boy stuff!!!!!

Well, anyway my brother and SIL and very happy, they will call her Juliet (yes, like Romeo and Juliet). I'm not particularly fond of that name, because it seems to be a pretty popular name around our local "celebrities", but they like it, so that will be it.

My sister told me my dad didn't seem very thrilled about these news, because he always thought it would be great for my brother to have someone to teach men stuff to. But I agree with my mom, who said "well, God is perfect, so this must be perfect". I think that too.

About my feelings, as I told you before, I no longer feel jealous, in fact I'm pretty excited about this new member of the family. I think I finally accepted the fact that they are going to have their baby and not me. It sounds pretty obvious, but I really had a hard time getting used to the idea that things hadn't come out the way I'd planned them to.

And, I'm starting to get like "bored" with this TTC, I'm really pretty pissed off that it can't be "natural", for example yesterday I was so so so tired that I couldn't bring myself to "conceive". I mean, E was very tired also, so none of us made an attempt to "get close". But I'm a little worried, because I think I'm losing my faith in it, you know?

It's like sometimes I've thought "well, that's it, I will stop trying". I've even have this thought about artificial insemination, that hopeless I am now.

I feel having sex isn't that fun anymore, even if when I'm at it I have a great time, it's not like I'm thinking "yeah! today it's wild sex night!". If it weren't for the TTC pressure, I'm sure it'd be a lot more exciting, but we lost that "spontaneous" thing a long time ago (when we started trying). We sure do have "bad timing" good sex (on non-fertile days), but for the most of it, it feels like an appointment more than anything. And what pisses me more is that I don't have the right to be tired on fertile days because I loose the chance that month. Why do we have to have so short "fertile windows" I wonder...

And of course, E continues in a "limbo" in his work, he still haven't got an answer from his bosses, telling him how much are they going to pay him!!!!! So he works more than 12 hours a day, but there's no money for him. That has him really down and worried, and of course it affects our intimacy also...

Well, I hope we can still have a chance this month, I'm only in CD12, and my temps haven't rised enough yet, and CM isn't all that egg-white looking, but I'm afraid my mense arrives a little early...

Anyway, I'm getting to do some things that aren't allowed in pregnancy:
- I'm going to the beauty salon (that's how you call it??) monday, to cut and dye my hair (not dye completely, I have this things, mmm...like sections of hair that are lighter, but it looks very natural), because the doctor told SIL that you can't do that while pregnant.
- I plan to go to the dentist VERY soon, I think tomorrow, because that's another forbidden thing, and I'm starting to get a huge pain in one tooth.
- And maybe go to the dermatologist, because I think I have a "growing" mole (of course, I'm a little hypocondriac) that is getting on my nerves, specially after a friend told me about a friend of her husband who was just diagnosed skin cancer after discovering a malign mole.

Well, that's about it for now!

Hectic!

2006-05-16T21:12:00.000-04:00

I've had an abrupt return to reality after my trip.

With this seminar, I just got to the office this afternoon, and there were 117 emails waiting to be read, sales persons eager to ask some information, and so on.

I was really really tense all day, at least, I don't have much problems working under pressure. In fact, I was pretty efficient today. Good for me! LOL.

Anyway, this weeks we're starting TTC number 4. I haven't had much time to get anxious, but sometimes there's this little "bug" telling me "last time you got pregnant on the 4th month", so this could be it. But if it don't, you know how it's gonna be for me.

Even with these thoughts, I moved my tomorrow's OB appointment to June 21st. I just couldn't bring myself to that "humilliation", you know that "deep inspection"...nope, I wasn't really prepared, I admit it. I think it has been a few over-tense weeks, and this appt was starting to freak me out. And of course, I still hope next month maybe will be a "pregnancy appt". Dreaming is worthless they say!!!

Well, that's about it for now. I hope things can come back to normal on the next days. I'll try to catch up with the other blogs now!!

Back and alive!!!

2006-05-14T21:05:00.000-04:00

Yes! Of course, nothing happened.

I'm back from my trip, had a really wonderful time, bought a LOT of stuff, so I'm really cool now.

The "plane" experience was incredibly better than expected. I mean, come on, the flight lasted 35 minutes! LOL! Anyway it was all really good and I really didn't have time to think about TTC or anything. Just a tiny tiny jealousy feeling to see pregnant women (what is it with the world, I really didn't know there were so many people pregnant!!!), but nothing to worry about!!

Well, that's for now, I hope I can write more these following days, I'm having a seminar monday and tuesday, but anyway I'll try to get into blogland!!

See ya!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

2006-05-10T10:00:00.000-04:00

Well, I was really really positively surprised by your early message Lorem !!! You're really so so nice!!!!!!

And thanks also to you and K. for your good vibes on my trip. I didn't know you were afraid of flying Lorem (and funny your husband thought about his birthday!!), and K., I know your hubby is a pilot, so you handle a lot of information that of course comes in very handy!!!!

Well, my birthday so far has been pretty cool (it's only 10 am!!). E waked me up with a huge hug (one of the greatest things of being married is getting those early hugs!!), and then went off to set the table. So he sang me, I blew the candles, and then opened my presents: a wallet, a mirror (full body, I didn't have one!), a book and some pantyhose, and underwear because he considered I was always complaining about my lack of those LOL!!! So he was really really the cutest!!!

Well, I've yet gotten some phone calls, some emails, and some presents (my sales person, and 2 friends from here). Yes, finally it's pretty great to have a birthday!!!!

Also, yesterday with E we talked a lot about my fears, my worries, etc, and it was really good for me to calm down, so now I'm (I think for the first time) starting to get excited about the trip!!!!

Thank you so much for the birthday wishes!!!

Increasingly nervous

2006-05-09T17:21:00.000-04:00

Ok, I'm like 36 hours away from my trip, and I'm starting to get REALLY REALLY nervous, I'm like 90% of the time thinking about that, trying to think about next week without the "IF I come back safe" part...but it's getting more and more difficult...I'm having horrible thoughts, imagining the worst things, and that's been going on all day.

I really think I would be relieved if something prevented me from going (something like for example a terrible last minute flu, or something like that), but then again I feel horrible to be so stupid, instead of being happy and looking forward to something that for most of humans is absoulte fun, here I am, feeling like crap....

And being my birthday tomorrow, isn't helping a bit!!!!

I think I'm starting to be really monothematic on these, but I can't help it, it's like I need so badly to put this thoughts here, because when I talk about them, they sound so irrational that I can calm down for a while.

I think I'd rather be waiting for 2 ww, I mean, YES I'd definitively prefer that, but that's another thing I have a hard time waiting for it to come.

Please, please, please think of me and pray or cross your fingers that everything will turn out just fine!!!!!

Lousy day

2006-05-08T20:50:00.000-04:00

First of all thanks Lorem for your cute thoughts, it really made me smile in the middle of this horrible day.

Ok. I'm exaggerating a bit, but you know those days when you feel like shed? I think it's only "PMS" without the "P" part, but the thing is I'm feeling very angry and at the same time very sad. Totally hormones I think.

See, I'm in those days when you feel nobody understands you, specially (in this case) my husband, who only sees a complaint from me, and can't seem able to see where I'm getting: please, I need some extra attention today!! But he doesn't seem to get it, so he gets mad at me for being such a "worrier". Only because I told him that I was a little "resented" because he kept giving priority to these friends we have instead of me (meaning "you answer their mails before mine, and you give short monosyllable answers to mine). Stupid ha? Yes, I know, but I am not really in a good mood today, and naive me thought he was going to manage that. But he didn't.

Well, hope this thing passes by, specially considering my birthday and my trip!!

Nervous week

2006-05-08T09:53:00.000-04:00

Now that this month's TTC turned out to be unsuccesful, now my never-ending worried mind is focusing more and more on the trip.

The only difference from last week is that now my nervous state is more like a pre-missing E, I'm very sure now that all my fears have to do more with being without him 4 days (well, 3 days considering I come back sunday morning) than anything else. I still get random thoughts about the plane crashing (I admit yesterday I checked up the airport's page as to see if the flight I should've been in (because originally we were going to travel this last week) had arrived ok. I'm crazy, I know), but whenever I start thinking about that, I try to remember all the tips I've read to calm down. "plane can fly alone, there's no need for a pilot to be there, it's just for extra security" "everything in the plane is thought as to be a lot more sure than actually necessary""a plane flying is like a cork in the water", and so on. And of course, I try to rationalize my fears, trying to remember my fears originate in being away from E.

Anyway, I'm still nervous about all this. And to top that all, there's my birthday coming. Although it's nice to have a birthday, I still get a little "shy" thinking of people in the office saying happy birthday, and singing and all that...

Well, I only hope time goes by fast, and that I can manage to relax in Mendoza, have a nice time with my mom and sister, and everyone, and that I can come back home on Sunday safe!!!

Yes, it's here...

2006-05-07T18:56:00.000-04:00

My period I mean.

I got it today finally. I was really starting to believe there was actually "something there", because it was CD 31, and that's not usual for me.

But no, there it came, very evident in fact.

Well, I've had a "swingy" day, I've been very sad at times, but E has been really really great, supportive, understanding me, and really cute with me. So that has made me be a little calmer and happier, because I'm so so so happy to have a husband like mine.

That's the news for today. We've already agreed that this month will be "like monkeys" (sex like monkeys, it's like an expression here), as tired as we may be.

See ya'!!

Just to be sure

2006-05-06T00:22:00.000-04:00

I'm just back from a really nice dinner we had with E (yes, we like to go out for dinner a lot). Now I left him at a place where he was going to meet his whole university generation (sociologists), no couples allowed.

I'm really tired, so I think I'm going to go to sleep very soon, but I wanted to leave this somewhat humilliating post.

I tested. BFN for me. Of course.

My only excuse is that I wanted to be really sure I wasn't pregnant as to have some alcohol without guilt. Also, I wanted to take some medicin for my "irritable intestine sindrome" because I had a bad stomachache, so just to be sure I did the test.

Of course I shouldn't have done that, because it was so evident that there was nothing there. But that high temp confused me, that's why I wanted to be sure.

The only good thing is that only after I had the result, I commented to E, in a "so loose" way, trying to sound completely un-upset about it. So at least I didn't drag him to my impulsiveness like other times.

But that attitude lasted like 10 minutes, because on the way to the restaurant I was very near to break down.

Luckily, there's nothing a good meal and a good conversation can't fix LOL. And E told me about his good friend, whose girlfriend cheated on him (that didn't surprise me much because I've never liked that girl), and E's friend was so sad and thinking he would be alone forever and all that. So that got us thinking that we are indeed very lucky (or blessed, as you prefer to see it) in a lot of ways, specially to have each other. I insist that we're "above media" in terms of loving each other and a lot of people comments me what a good couple we make, how lucky I am to have E and everything.

So at least, that lousy comparison made me a little more confident on this next month TTC. This will be the 4th month, that's when I got pregnant last year. Hopefully it will be the same this time, only without the m/c of course.

Sweet dreams for everyone!!

I'm growing up!!

2006-05-05T16:14:00.000-04:00

Today I had lunch with my mother (at her house, it's like 20 min away from my job), and my big brother was there too. It was really great because I could have some time with him without the annoying comments of SIL.

The best thing of all was that my mom had bought some clothes for the baby (first clothes!!), and she gave them to my brother, who opened the presents with such care and happiness that I felt really really happy for him.

So I'm growing up because I didn't feel a bit jealous, on the contrary, I felt so proud of my brother, and thinking yeah! I'm having a nephew!!! And he also told me that he hadn't felt this happy since a loooong loong time, so that cheered me up even more!!!

At least something good don't you think?

Anyway, my mom is upsettingly insisting that I will have twin girls. I don't know where she got that idea, but everytime the baby subject arises, she starts "well, and then come your twins". Today I told her that with luck I'll have 1 baby, there's no way they will be twins.

Well, my mood is really up right now thanks to my brother!!

UPDATE: AGAIN

2006-05-05T11:00:00.000-04:00

Yes, this is like a "yetta" (you know? when you say "Oh we've had some good weather" and next day it starts to rain like hell).

I told you about my temps and all that, went to the bathroom and yes, surprise, when I wiped, there was the damn brownish CM I hate so much.

I'm so sick of this thing, I swear, I'm sick of keeping my hopes up even when there's so much evidence!!!

Anyway, I need to solve the thing with the temping, I think I'm not getting my period today, but tomorrow, this is just a "coming soon" warning.

Sorry, I'd love to post some good news, but I think no, there's no chance!

I'm going to buy OPK right now!!

Temping...

2006-05-05T10:13:00.000-04:00

So I couldn't resist it and took my temp today. You could think what's the use if I haven't temped for the rest of the month.

See, last year when I was TTC (before chemical pregnancy), I was taking my temps everyday. Afterwards I left it 1st because my dr said it wasn't at all a precise method and 2nd because he said it was just stressing me. E and I also thought so, so that's why I didn't take my temp anymore.

Anyway, I managed to discover my temping pattern. My temps are really lower than normal people (96.4 ºF (I had to convert that, I use ºC)), so I know any temp above 97.3 it's high for me. Today my temp was 97.5, so I know it's still high.

I told E I took it just to see if I had to put on a "pad", but he really didn't believe me LOL.

Well, but having my temp up doesn't mean anything, because according to FF, and according to my own estimations, I should get my period tomorrow, probably in the afternoon.

So, I decided that tomorrow I will take my temp, if it's up, I'll test. Because as much as FF says that testing day is tomorrow, it's pretty humilliating to test and get your period like 2 hours later (I have done that).

I still don't know what is it with me and my hopes, I'm getting cramps, yesterday I was really sensitive, irritable, with the headache I told you about, and my bbs are sore ok, but I don't think they're bigger, and I think they're not THAT sore as they should be if I were pregnant.

Well, finally I managed to get anxious, I was so proud of myself that I was hanging on so well. But the good thing is I'm feeling pretty confident about my trip, I think as the other worries are going away, pregnancy is getting stronger and stronger.

I'll let you know but really, don't get your hopes up, I'm pretty sure there's nothing there (I even had a beer yesterday! just to "cheat" my anxiety)....

Getting better in the flight issue

2006-05-04T14:23:00.000-04:00

First of all, thanks bbc for your support!!!! I know there's still a tiny little hope, specially because I've continued to go to the bathroom (yes, I'm peeing a lot, but that's usual for me), and no signs of spotting or anything like that, it was just the dirtyness this morning. Anyway, I'm getting a HUGE headache right now, that's also a sign my period is undeniably close, and I'm on a stupid-mood also!

Well, but the thing I wanted to comment was that I think I found the reason of my flight-terror. I mean, I know I'm somehow a control freak and being on a plane makes me feel "out of control", but as I've been reading a lot on this subject, and somewhere I read that many times the flight-terror is not that, but another kind of phobia or something.

So I was thinking about that, and yes, I think I'm most "dreadful" of leaving E alone, not because I think he'll do something bad or anything, but I don't know well, maybe I'm scared of not having him "where my eyes can see him". I know I'm sounding like the worst possesive person in the world, but of course I'm exaggerating, I think it's the idea to be far from him that makes me uneasy. That, and of course this TTC that has me really stressed out and all.

So to sum up, I think on one hand leaving E here and going somewhere without him, and on the other hand, a lot of tension I have been gathering over the last months, are all canalyzing in the trip, and as ridiculous as it may seen, to discover that makes me a lot calmer, so much that I'm not even thinking the plane will crash anymore, because in some way I found the real thing that's bugging me.

I insist, I'm not that possesive or untrustable, but changes have never been well tolerated by me, I mean I get all sorts of strange reactions, stomachaches, headaches, grumpiness, and so on, because I need some time to adjust. I know this is a temporary and pretty short change, but anyway it's something different.

I hope I continue to discover more things, as to get to the plane as calm as possible!!!

I thought so...

2006-05-04T10:06:00.000-04:00

Well, this morning I had some "dirtyness" when I cleaned myself.

Obviously, PMS signs, as you can see my previous posts.

So, another month goes by and I'm just as I started.

Yes, I'm starting to get monothematic and boring, but I really can't help it, I'm starting to convince myself I will never be able to get pregnant.

Worst of all, E is not in his best moment, he's having trouble to sleep, has been nauseous some weeks now, I think there's something wrong with his sugar levels again, so this morning we went to take him some exams, because I think that's affecting our TTC journey also.

Well, you know how this day goes, moaning and getting upset and all. I don't think I'll get my period today, but probably tomorrow or saturday morning, at the most.

The only different thing I can tell about is that I've already decided to by those OPK, but I'm thinking if I wait till I really get my period (just in case) or buy them right away as to receive them sooner. I think I'll do that, in the worst (or best) of the cases I won't use them now but they last 2 years, so then I can use them. But of course, I will have to use them next month, I can't believe I'm still hoping!!!

Lousy post, I'm sorry!

Amazingly calm

2006-05-03T15:28:00.000-04:00

OK, now I'm really proud of myself.

Although I'm still thinking about TTC and all, I'm really not at all anxious. I think it's because my chances this month are lower, so it would be a really nice surprise that I was finally pregnant.

But I really don't think so. As yesterday, I haven't found any "strange" symptoms, and when I did got pregnant last year, I knew several days before because there were some unusual things going on with my body. I know there are a lot of women that don't have early symptoms at all, but I think it won't be my case.

Anyway, I'm amazed because tomorrow is CD28, but I'm so focused on saturday (according to FF, that day is testing day) that I realized yesterday that tomorrow would be a normal starting period day.

I only hope this new calm-me continues for months to come, because it seems it will be indeed a long journey TTC.

As for my flight-terror, today another plane crashed, so that makes the 3 that I told you about some days before. On one hand I felt "relieved" (of course it's terrible for all those people that died!! but you know what I mean), but then I panicked again thinking, well, there are indeed planes that crash, where's the security in flying then!! Last year there were 6 plane crashes. How many flights? I don't remember but it's several millions, so yes, chances are reeeeally low, but they do exist. That's what bugs me most. BUT, I'm really better on that matter, trying to see this trip as a trip more than a terrifying experience. I still regret the wedding I missed last year because I was so sure that plane was going to crash, and of course nothing happened, so I don't want to be regretting this trip also.

That will be the news for today...only 1 week to my 28th birthday!!

Countdown

2006-05-02T09:51:00.000-04:00

Well, amazingly I'm only 4 days from testing day, I really can't believe time has gone by so fast!

I'm making a HUGE effort to stay calm and anxious-less, trying not to be so aware of symptoms and even if I notice something "strange", I try to put that thought in the back of my mind. I'm really behaving like a good girl LOL.

And of course, there's the trip issue that has kept my mind totally busy, but well, I'm working on that now. I'm concentrating in thinking that I'm not that important that everything has to happen to me you know? So why should I be the one "marked"? It's really difficult, specially given the fact that I'm always thinking about tragic things that could happen to me or my loved ones, only because there are things that've happened to others. Of course, there's nothing that special with me that will prevent me from having bad times, but most likely I won't be part of "spectacular tragedies". Hopely!

Will keep you informed!

Busy week

2006-04-30T13:01:00.000-04:00

Well, as I supposed, this last week was really busy, mainly because of the power point I prepared for my grandmother.

I spent most of the week focused on that, so I barely had time to worry about "dreaded" 2ww.

My grandma's birthday went really great. She was very shocked that so many relatives were there, and the mariachis, and a speech my big brother prepared, and my presentation...it was a day full of emotions and I was really glad she was very very happy.

So now that's over, I'm just starting to realize it's only 1 week more to "D day". Thing is, I'm not having my hopes too high, although sometimes I check on some symptoms, but not being able to identify anything so concluding.

Also, my trip is getting very close, but I'm trying to handle it the best I can. Sometimes, rational thoughts are stronger and I feel very confident, but other times, specially before I go to sleep, when I think I won't be able to go through it.

On other subject, SIL is getting a big belly, but my jealousy is kind of going away a little, but she's still annoys me with some comments, like "yes, I'm 5 and a half months", and even though I tried to explain to her she's only 4 and a half months, there was no way I could convince her. I know it's something very stupid, but why is she getting ahead? I don't know (she's due september 12, so that leaves 4 and a half months till that day, isn't it?). But well, I think I will be totally over it really soon, I hope.

Well, also we had another therapy session that was pretty good, it has make us even closer, so I'm really happy about it.

I hope this week is a litttle calmer, good thing is that tomorrow is labor day, so we had yet another day to rest.

The waiting begins...

2006-04-24T10:09:00.002-04:00

Again, I'm at the start line of this eternal waiting for DPO14 to arrive (I'm like DPO2 now).

So I hope I can keep myself busy enough to avoid thinking about that all the time. I'm not doing well if I'm already aware!

Well, I will try to focus in some upcoming events the following weeks:

1) Saturday april 29th: My grandma's 80th birthday. There's a kind of "events" on my parents house, with "mariachis", printed balloons (with her picture), and a powerpoint presentation, that I'm somewhat in charge of (it's like the usual, I always end up involved in the organization).

2) Monday may 1st: my BIL's birthday, nothing that special, but we have to buy him something.

3) May 10th: my 28th birthday. Well, by that time I'll already know about how TTC went this month, but anyway, I have to figure out whether I will invite anyone or not, considering my trip starts the next day early in the morning.

4) May 11th - 14th: Mendoza trip, this is what I think I'll spend most of the time thinking about, because of my flight terror! I've been doing some "self-therapy", reading stuff as to calm myself down (for ex, chances of an air crash are 1 in 1.8 million. Yes, it's more likely to win the lottery), but sometimes I get terrified again. Specially after a plane crashed this weekend (it was a tiny plane, but anyway it's frightening), and today I read a commercial plane crashed, a Russian one I think, but at least it was a "land crash" (it was like it couldn't takeoff or something), so it wasn't that terrible. But it got me thinking of something my mother used to say "there's always 3 plane crashes on a row". So one more to go, I hope it's not mine. YES, I'm a stupid supersticious, I know, but I can't help thinking that stupid staff. Anyway, the flight lasts only 50 minutes, so then I think, it's not that big deal. But I still get this uneasy feeling whenever I think of that.

5) May17th: appointment with my ginecologist. My idea is well if I do get pregnant, that date is perfect timing (my doctor is a little busy, so I took the hour like on march!). If I don't get pregnant, I want him to make me some exams, because of that strange spotting I had last month. So anyway it will be useful to go.

As you see, there are a lot of things to worry right now, so I'll try to keep my mind off TTC, and well, off flight fear also, I can't be so irrational, I have to be over it!!!

Therapy

2006-04-21T09:48:00.000-04:00

So, as announced, we went yesterday to our therapy.

It was quite interesting, they made us sit on opposite directions (with our backs facing), and the idea was that each of us told the story of us meeting each other, but when one was talking, the other wasn't supposed to talk ANYTHING. It took a little longer than planned, so only E got to tell his version.

The interesting part was that as I was forced to be quiet (something REALLY difficult for me), I was able to realize some things.

At first, I was only worrying about some inprecisions E was saying (like "we went out for I don't know, 2, 3 weeks"...and I knew it was only 1!!), but then I started to relax about that and started really listening at what he was saying, and how he was feeling when he narrated.

Afterwards, therapists asked me how I felt and I told them, and the curious thing was that they gave me, almost as a homework, to try to listen more to E. Not that I don't listen to him, but sometimes I'm so worried about stupid details, that I "loose" some interesting parts, you know?

At first I was a little upset. E of course realized that so he tried to defend me, saying that he, indeed, wasn't at all a "talker", so it wasn't a problem for him that I talked more than him. But on our way home, he explained me what were the therapists talking about, and it was that: try to focus more in the "global" and less in the details, that most of the time are irrelevant for the main subject.

So I'm glad because I've never even thought about that, and now it makes a lot of sense to me. And now I can't stop thinking about all the times that I haven't been able to really understand E, for being such a "detail-freak".

In fact, I'm more like a control freak, that's what I've come to realize over the last couple of months. I must have EVERYTHING under my control, and when that doesn't happen, some strange things happen to me: the most typical (and obvious) is freak out. For example, I have (almost) no control over illness, so I panic that I might have one serious one (meningitis, cancer, hepatitis, anything terrible you can think of), but that's because I'm so scared of things I can't control. Same things with airplanes: it's not up to me whether they stay on air or not, and that's why I fear them so much.

I'm sounding like a terrible person, but at least I've discovered this, and I think that will help me a lot to be a better person.

Back to the therapists (the funny thing, I told them that yesterday that as a "control freak" it's very hard for me not to interfere with E's story, and one of the therapists then said "well, but with you being a "control FIL"" or something like that, totally clueless!!! at least the other therapist seemed to know a little more english so she corrected the other one. E and I laughed the rest of the day with that), I think my first step in my de-controlling process should be indeed E, and try to "trust" him a little more, in what he's saying, let loose for a change.

I know it won't be easy, but being such an obsessive person, I think it will be my personal challenge, and God how I love to beat challenges! LOL!

It's amazing, but I think most of my life is ruled by having control of the situation. I was now thinking about TTC, and it's the exact same thing: I need to mimimize the un-controlled part, so I have to gather as much information as I can, do everything I can, but then, as there's a great uncontrollable part, I get anxious and all that you well know about.

I will collect some information about my "condition", LOL (yes, now it's my new obsession)!

Chilean - English words

2006-04-20T17:12:00.000-04:00

I was thinking about how the english language (or more like it, the whole globalization thing I talked about a while ago) has progressively affected our language.
Some examples:

- Heavy: we use this word a lot, specially younger people, I think you use it as an expression also? Here at least, is used to reply to something "big". Example: "yeah, she got divorced and a week later she was married to another person, but pregnant to a third unknown one" (I'm just making an exaggerated story to show the point of the word), so the answer is like "wow, how HEAVY", but it's pronounced in a "chilean" way, more like ...mmmm well there's no equivalent...

- Light (curious that we use 2 opposites but not like opposites): well, of course all the "light" (diet) products, and also to refer to legally-blonde-type people, worried about superfluous (I think that's wrong said) things, do you use that? "she's so light, only worried about clothes and makeup and buying stuff". Well, it's pretty literal.

- Top of Mind: marketing slang, or market research also. Well, that 100% literal.

- "too much": something exagerated, excessive. Yes, it's literal, but it's a kind of snob expression. "yeah, the wedding was ok, but the decoration was a little too much"

- reason why: this is an annoying bussiness concept that I really hate . My ex-boss liked to say that (I worked in a market research company). "we have to think about the "reason why" of this study". yucks.

- well, there are some more obvious, as "e-mail" that we call it here just "mail" (not everybody, but a lot of people) and others that are almost generic like "walkman" or "personal stereo" (80's) and others that I can't think of now.

- In particular, I use some words that I've come to discover don't have a satisfying meaning in spanish: annoying and awkward, I even made E use them also. I also love the way they sound, I don't know why. Also, when someone says something unfinished or unconcluding I like to say "sooo...", or "hello!" in the same way you use it, as an expression, not to actually say hello, but more like "come on!!" you know?

Well, that for now, I'm having a headache right now so my brain isn't working all that well.

Oh! and today we have our 3rd therapy session, I'm pretty excited because we're going to make a "genogram" or whatever that's called. Therapists (yes, there are 2 of them) think the point is not to solve E's problems with my family but more to make US stronger, as a new family. They used the example of us being "plain white rice" (that's what some friends call us, because we get along with anyone, just like rice goes with almost any food), and to become more like "paella" or "risotto", like a whole meal, not just garment. We'll see how that goes!

Baby registry!

2006-04-20T13:15:00.000-04:00

First of all, thanks for your tips on OPK's, I looked at the pages, they're really cheaper there (that's one of the costs of a country in the end of the world!). They do ship outside US, but I think I'll wait another month. For some strange reason I'm having good feelings this month, I think it's mainly because my prayers to St. Therese, I'm so sure she'll help me!!!

And, then, of course, I've been following my CM very closely, and I'm pretty sure that my ovulation is due today or at the most, tomorrow. Last month I couldn't identify my ovulation day, so I think maybe I didn't ovulate at all. I read somewhere that it's pretty common that 1 cycle a year is anovulatory. I hope it was last month!

I have a question, in TTC is better to have intercourse every day in fertile days, or every other day? I've never come to a concluding answer, some say one thing, some say the other. A friend of mine got pregnant on the 2º month TTC, with the "every other day" routine, but then maybe I'm not putting enough effort and should increase frequency? Please help with this issue!!

Another thing, I found a great blog, that S. has, she registers every person she has found in blogland that is pregnant. Boy, how I would love to be in her registry!! Her blog is Babes in Blogland in case you haven't found it yet.

That was un update for the day!

This is getting more difficult...

2006-04-20T09:59:00.000-04:00

Finally, even though E didn't remained mad with me for long, he wasn't AT ALL "in the mood". Thing is, with all this uncertainty he's having at work, he's having a rough time, so a couple of times he has broke down. Yesterday was one of those days. So the whole TTC was out of the question.

I hope today he's better, because if not, there goes another month. I insist, I know I'm sounding very insensitive, I am indeed very worried about E, but I know 2 weeks from now, when I get my period, we'll feel very dissapointed, and no "well, we didn't get to do our "homework" very well this month, did we?" will come in handy at that moment. That's it, I'm just anticipating what will happen, and that's why I hope today we can get on track again.

In the meantime, I gathered a little more information about OPK and fertility monitors, of course (as always) here in Chile there's only one brand, Clearblue, so there's no much price options: 1 set of OPK with 7 sticks, costs $50, the fertility monitor, $260 PLUS the 20 sticks that goes another $73. It's not like go and buy it! One alternative is getting an OPK, hoping I'll only need it for a month or 2, so that would be $100, but then again, what if I have to keep TTC for more than 6 months! Then it would be better to buy the monitor, that would even be useful if someday I don't want a baby, and then I would keep track of my cycle (I really DON'T like pills, make me feel really bad).

But I don't think E will like the idea, maybe it'll be even more stressing, I don't know. I think I should start with OPK, maybe afterwards I can use the monitor, I don't know really, I will think about it a little more.

On weather news, winter is more evident everyday, last night it rained a little, and there is more announced for later today and tomorrow. We already put on the radiators (I don't know the word for a centralized warming system at home), so this is it for warm days. Well, I'm not that bad with the change, I was wanting to wear some winter clothes!

Grumpy

2006-04-19T09:20:00.000-04:00

Today I woke up in a bad mood, mainly provoked by my excess of sleepiness.

So, I turned an important part of my grumpiness to E, who received "free" unpleasant comments such as "be careful not to spill toothbrush all around the bathroom" (because I noticed a spot (that was probably left by me), and everything regarding teeth and toothbrush and toothpaste makes me a little uncomfortable), and "are you deaf or what? I've been calling you for an hour (twice)".

Anyway, E is really patient with me, but my last comment just "crossed the line" (I won't get in details here), so we went all the way to my office (he left me here) totally quiet, which REALLY upsets me because I like to sort things out by talking, but E simply shuts up and if I start talking, it's worse, so I have to bite my tongue.

Well, the discussion isn't all that the point. I don't like the idea of "fighting" in the middle of my fertile days. Yes, I'm an insensitive person that cares for that kind of things instead of the fight itself. But I can't help it. It's not like "well yeah, didn't work out this month, next month will be", I mean come on! We all know TTC is not as easy as it seems, so why minimize even more the chances just for a stupid comment!!

OK, I'm exaggerating a little, I'm CD 12 today only, but anyway I don't like to loose the "one day yes one day no" routine, that I've heard it's the best way to TTC.

I hope we can work it out during the day!!!

P.S.: nothing of this would've had happened if it weren't for the loooong boring movie we watched last night "in her shoes". It has its moments, but in general, I would've preferred to sleep a couple more hours and had avoided this stupid discussion!

Relaxed

2006-04-17T11:05:00.000-04:00

Here I am, after this great long weekend, that is never enough to sleep and rest as much as I would want to.

I had a great time, and I realized that I'm really calmer about TTC than other months, I wasn't even aware that I'm already in my fertile days, so I've got a good feeling now, maybe not THIS month, but soon enough I hope.

I think it's because my thoughts are centered in my trip, about planes crashing and all that, but I'm starting to relax about that also, because E said something so simple and wise at the same time: "if you are so scared, don't go", and that simple phrase released a lot of pressure I was feeling (= ok I'm doomed, there's nothing I can do about it, I'm going to die on that plane, pretty crazy I know), and have stopped me a little from thinking so horrible things. Even more, my usually equally phobic sister, yesterday told me that she wasn't afraid of planes anymore, after crossing the Atlantic several times, she got used to planes and rationally thought that chances are really low that precisely HER plane would crash. I admire her maturity to overcome something that's so difficult for me!!

Well, I thing that's about it for now, hope this month this TTC-relax will help me!!

Blogger problems

2006-04-13T16:58:00.000-04:00

I'm having SERIOUS problems trying to reach to other blogs, has anyone had this problems today? Maybe there's something with the weather or who knows what.

Hate it when technology doesn't work, it's like it makes our life so easy, but once we get so used to it that we can barely live without it, PAF it starts playing with us, presenting this totally undescifrable problems.

Ok, I'll continue trying with this shit!

Autumn is here

2006-04-13T10:06:00.000-04:00

Well, is more like winter today.

After an unusually extended summer (or at least "summer like" days, because temperature has been going down for a while now), finally horrible and cold days have arrived.

Last night it seems to have rained a little, and today welcomed me with this gray-black clouds...definitively not a day to wake up early and come to work, freezing all day.

Anyway, as a lot of you had said in your blogs, having seasons is better than being always in summer (or worst, in winter), so I'm receiving this change without struggling! LOL!

Not much more to tell, I'm really tired today, hope to produce a little. Luckily tomorrow it's a holiday!