The Baby Issue

OK, I don't want to bore you so I will not only talk about Chilean facts, but also about myself (how self-centered!!).
I want to tell you about the baby-issue: the thing is, I've always wanted to have a lot of children, coming from a big family, I was used to having a lot of yelling, fighting, laughing, in general, a lot of noise in my parents' house. Then as I grew up I got to see things were different now, and it's not easy to have that much children, but anyway, I still want 4 (my husband would prefer 3, but ok, that's not the discussing point right now!).

When I got pregnant (the chemical pregnancy), it took us 4 months. I really had started to think we wouldn't be able to have our own children, and pressure was all around us (my friends are really "rabbits" (yor know that expression? as to say they have LOTS of babies), 2 of my friends got pregnant in may (when I started trying), "but it was the one day we got risky" said one of them, and the other "I don't understand what happened, I wasn't intending to have another (yes, they both had a 1 year old son/daughter) for a while".)...gee....so envy started to fill me, anxious was more and more obvious, etc. (still think what is it with my friends that they get pregnant (and DON'T have m/C) as someone changes clothes!! no spotting, no nothing).
OK, finally I did get pregnant, but of course, I couldn't be the "lucky one" and had a m/c right away. Some friends consoled me saying maybe a lot of them had had chemical pregnancies, but as they were not so regular, they didn't ever realized. I don't think so, of course for unlucky me always everything is more difficult! Don't think I'm being the victim, but how is this: from university our "friends circle" (the big one) is of 17 girls (my real friends are about 4-5, but for big ocassions we get together, the 17 of us. Of course, I have boy friends also, but it's another group), there are 12 children!!!!! and 3 more on the way!! can you imagine the pressure??? (there are 14 married, the single ones don't have any children). Yes: 5 of them have 2 (a 6th one is pregnant from her 2nd), other 2 have 1. So of the 14 married, there are only two of us who don't have children. The other one was in Australia with her husband for 1 year studying english, and just came back (no jobs, no home, no way they are even planning on having children yet). So that leaves me in some sort of "limbo" (do you say that?) or "transition phase", where I'm:
- not with a boyfriend (because then you're in another phase: when are you going to get married? it's an issue then)
- not just married (last year our wedding was still an issue among our families, friends, etc "we had such a good time, the music was great, you looked so pretty, etc)
- not pregnant (obvious questions)
- without children (my closer university group consists of 5, we call ourselves VIP: 3 of them have 2 children, one is VERY single (she has some sort of trauma, she doesn't date, but not because she's a lesbian or something, she's just really inmature in men issues), and that leaves me...somewhere in between.
So I've started to get bored wherever I go, because my univ friends all they do is talk about their babies (specially one friend, she doesn't have time or "ears" to listen to anyone that's not talking about children), in my family, as you know SIL is the "new idol" and all they do is talk about the first grandson-granddaughter-niece-nephew. My husband's family doesn't know what to ask us anymore.

So I'm a little (I don't know the word, in Chile we say "apestada" (it's like "with the pest" the literal translation, but refers to being pissed off or something like that): SAD, ANGRY; ANXIOUS, etc.

I want so much to be part of that life (diapers, being awake in the middle of the night, big boops for once! etc), so that makes me anxious, and then my husband says don't be anxious because that affects fertility, and it's like a "vicious circle": nothing happens-more anxious-less happens-more anxious and so on and so forth.
Now I'm 10dpo (see? I've even learned that!! I'm sure I'm the only chilean person who's familiar with that!!!!), I think (10-11), and I've been googling (as someone says on a blog: TMI) a lot, to find that on 10dpo, hcg should be 25 something (uml, ml, something like that). Some pregnancy tests are sensible to that point, so I've really been thinking about testing before "period day", but on the other side, I don't want to know so soon, because of my m/c last year, so I would rather wait until 6 weeks to test, but I know it's impossible for curious-me to wait that long.
So what should I do? wait...but in the meantime I'm getting pretty aware of some sympthoms: since last week, a lot of cramping, but then, it could be digestive problems (that I tend to have, A LOT), or sicological sympthoms (I'm sure that word is not well written, sorry!!). Then my boobs are hurting a lot, but then again, that's normal PMS for me. I'm having a lot of trouble to go to the bathroom (you know what I mean, no "evacuation" in a lot of days!!not so strange in me), peeing a lot (but I'm in some sort of diet that makes me pee a lot also), REALLY tired (always tired also, but I think this is unusual, but of course, could be sicologic!!).
And then on the m/c, I remember having a lot of "discharge" you know? but now, none, so then I get dissapointed again.
I think I will go nuts with this waiting. And of course, probably nothing will happen, and next month all the same thing again... I get a little tired with all this...why can't it be more simple!!!!!!
Sorry, I got a little carried away, but needed to take it out!!!
See you!