That time of the month....

Even though I've promised myself so many times that I don't have to be affected (or soo affected) by this TTC and that I have to "let it be when it have to be"....I still haven't been able to "receive" calmly those obvious signs that show me that AGAIN, there's no pregnancy this month.

I really try to act so naturally, telling my husband "mmm I think my period is about to come"...but then after a couple of hours (errr...minutes) I start with the "I-know-I-shouldn't-feel-bad-but-I'm-f*ing-pissed-off-with-this-whole-ttc-thing" speech...I hate it, really.

At least I've evolved to the point that I don't even think of the possibility of doing a HPT (well, I think of it, but that's just guilty-in the shower-thought).

It's like my thoughts start on the non-pregnant basis, and then I can allow myself wishful thinking ONLY if days pass and there's no AF sign. But as to today, there hasn't been enough space (or days) to allow the wishful thinking to come (except some 2 months ago when it came on CD33!!! that was a very cheaty game my body played to me...).

Sooooo...here I am, ready to go to a RE (next thursday, not this one!), hating the world, hating to be "different" from my friends, from my family...and having that HIDEOUS waiting...the one that has those "signs" (sporadic tiny-spotting), but that ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS has that minimum not-admittable hope that maybe, maybe for once I will be one of those persons that "ohhh I didn't think I could be pg because I had some spotting, but it turned out to be some implantation or something...spotting....", but that thought is followed by "come on, don't cheat yourself, you know that you'll never be one of those persons, you know that when (IF) you get pregnant, there'll be sure signs, in no way similar to those that you have each end of cycle".

I'm sorry I'm so bitter, but I know you understand me!!! We've all been there, haven't we???

Well, on other brighter thoughts, my niece is more wonderful each day, she's really really beautiful and I already love her so much. But of course, every time I see her, I feel that twinge of pain thinking "it would be SO great to have one of my own".....but well, I understand that's one part of the whole TTC process....

Other thing I've been thinking, after obsessing day after day about how fat I am, is that there's no way I can loose weight, mainly because I'm so anxious that I feel like eating all the time, so I've thought that next time someone says "it's better to get pg being thin", I will tell them "I WOULD HAvE BEEN thin if I'd gotten pregnant as fast as you did...!!!"...

I'm sorry, this post wasn't very logic or anything but I really needed to sort some things out....

Oh! at least one good news, we're getting a new car, I don't know if you have that model, it's a SUV, Toyota RAV4 advantage...love that car!! it's used but very good shaped!!! so that's something nice to tell you!! LOL!

See you, most probably next time I write I will be upset for having gotten my period on day35, after waisting (yet) another HPT that showed a VERY BFN....ha ha...