Dissapeared...

I haven't written in some days now...mainly because of 2 reasons:

1) I really haven't had that much time, it seems I have progressively more and more work, and of course, less and less time left to, for example, write in my blog. I've always kind of bragged about my ability to do things faster than most people: talk faster, think faster, write faster, work faster. So at work, historically my so called ability has given me lots of spare time, to the point I laughed about people who were always saying "I'm so busy, I don't have any time left at work". But now, although I still have time to email my friends and E, it seems there's always something that prevents me from doing stuff. In fact, I have lots of "pendings"...
Anyway, I'm not at all uncomfortable with this new "concept". In fact, I'd always dreamed of having a job where I could really use the "45 hours a week" work life. So it's good for me! Although I have to let some "entertainment" for my house. LOL...

2) There are some moments when I could indeed write, but for some weeks now, I've come to realize that writing, specially about TTC, really stress me, and make my anxious levels go way beyond normal. I know I've already written about this, but as you can see, I really mean it this time. In fact, I've felt a lot more "free" now. Of course I've come to care about some of you, blog fellas, so I still read you, but regarding my own blog, I think I will "abandon" it for a while. Not 100%, but I pretend to write less.....until I have really good news to share with you!! LOL....

Regardless all of the above, I'm still not totally cured of my "TTC obsession", that's the truth. I'm still aware of some symptoms, but try to put the thoughts in the bottom on my mind as soon as they start to haunt me.

And of course, I still get ocasionally jealous of pregnant women. In fact, on the last couple of nights I have dreamed twice that some friends are pregnant.

The first one was that one of my good friends, who already have 2 children, was pregnant again (the last time I dreamed that about her, she came like 1 week after that saying that she was really pregnant!! that scared me a little!!!). And last night I dreamed that my other friend, F (the one that hasn't behaved very well lately) was 6.5 weeks pregnant (and she wasn't yet married, so it pissed me even more!!!!! You know what I mean? Come on, how can she be that fertile!!! She's on pills for Christ's sake!!), so in my dream, my first thought was "fuck, even if I turned pregnant this month, she would still be ahead of me!!! Pretty stupid and competitive thought but well, it was a dream!! And I know you understand me!!!!!

And of course, there's SIL, with her BIG BIG belly, with her wonderful nursery room...with my whole family totally crazy about this granddaughter/niece to come...I really need all my strength to avoid a breakdown!! You can't imagine how relieved I was because I didn't went to have lunch at my parents' house last weekend. My sister told me later that SIL had this LOOOONG lists with all the things she have to do now that she's on her maternity leave (she's 7.5 months, in Chile pregnant working women, by law, have 42 days of pre-maternity leave and 84 post..), and even my sister got bored about how much was she talking about the baby.

I know her attitude is more than fair, but I can't help but "hate" her in some sort of way, for having ALL the attention and be, forever, the first one in the family to have a son/daughter. I feel so stupid, but I can't help it.

I imagine when (if) I have a baby, it will never ever be the same as now. Stupid examples: my mom bought a crib, that according to her, will be THE crib that will pass from one grandson/granddaughter to the next one. So, I (I insist, IF) will get the "crib that was thought for the 1º granddaughter". It's not because it's new or old, it's the whole idea that bothers me so much. I hope you understand I'm totally aware of my childish behaviour, I know I AM the one with the problem...it's only I CAN'T HELP MYSELF!!!!

Well, that was my "open heart" for today!!! Now I will go back to worry about my favorite subject: illness, headaches looking like tumours or head strokes, and that kind of stuff...at least those worries doesn't make me have terrible thoughts about innocent people !! LOL....

Hope everybody's alright!!!!! I'll continue to read you and make sporadic appearances...who knows that maybe I have good news before we know!!!