Therapy

So, as announced, we went yesterday to our therapy.

It was quite interesting, they made us sit on opposite directions (with our backs facing), and the idea was that each of us told the story of us meeting each other, but when one was talking, the other wasn't supposed to talk ANYTHING. It took a little longer than planned, so only E got to tell his version.

The interesting part was that as I was forced to be quiet (something REALLY difficult for me), I was able to realize some things.

At first, I was only worrying about some inprecisions E was saying (like "we went out for I don't know, 2, 3 weeks"...and I knew it was only 1!!), but then I started to relax about that and started really listening at what he was saying, and how he was feeling when he narrated.

Afterwards, therapists asked me how I felt and I told them, and the curious thing was that they gave me, almost as a homework, to try to listen more to E. Not that I don't listen to him, but sometimes I'm so worried about stupid details, that I "loose" some interesting parts, you know?

At first I was a little upset. E of course realized that so he tried to defend me, saying that he, indeed, wasn't at all a "talker", so it wasn't a problem for him that I talked more than him. But on our way home, he explained me what were the therapists talking about, and it was that: try to focus more in the "global" and less in the details, that most of the time are irrelevant for the main subject.

So I'm glad because I've never even thought about that, and now it makes a lot of sense to me. And now I can't stop thinking about all the times that I haven't been able to really understand E, for being such a "detail-freak".

In fact, I'm more like a control freak, that's what I've come to realize over the last couple of months. I must have EVERYTHING under my control, and when that doesn't happen, some strange things happen to me: the most typical (and obvious) is freak out. For example, I have (almost) no control over illness, so I panic that I might have one serious one (meningitis, cancer, hepatitis, anything terrible you can think of), but that's because I'm so scared of things I can't control. Same things with airplanes: it's not up to me whether they stay on air or not, and that's why I fear them so much.

I'm sounding like a terrible person, but at least I've discovered this, and I think that will help me a lot to be a better person.

Back to the therapists (the funny thing, I told them that yesterday that as a "control freak" it's very hard for me not to interfere with E's story, and one of the therapists then said "well, but with you being a "control FIL"" or something like that, totally clueless!!! at least the other therapist seemed to know a little more english so she corrected the other one. E and I laughed the rest of the day with that), I think my first step in my de-controlling process should be indeed E, and try to "trust" him a little more, in what he's saying, let loose for a change.

I know it won't be easy, but being such an obsessive person, I think it will be my personal challenge, and God how I love to beat challenges! LOL!

It's amazing, but I think most of my life is ruled by having control of the situation. I was now thinking about TTC, and it's the exact same thing: I need to mimimize the un-controlled part, so I have to gather as much information as I can, do everything I can, but then, as there's a great uncontrollable part, I get anxious and all that you well know about.

I will collect some information about my "condition", LOL (yes, now it's my new obsession)!