Obvious

As much as I decided to avoid worrying about TTC and all, I can't help but get angry this time of the month. Which one you might ask? The time when, as always, evidence hits me in the face, that I didn't get pregnant.

See, today I'm on CD 29, no menses yet. You might think "wow! how comes she haven't tested yet!!". Well, truth is, I'd decided to wait at least until CD 32, because that's my longest cycle ever recorded, and considering it's been so cold lately, I kind of KNEW my period would come in a little late.

But of course, today I started to think "what if?" but then "no way"...you know that kind of self Q&A you make...well, but then I decided that as we have to go to the drugstore anyway to buy E's stomach medicine, I would also buy a HPT, because we're going out with some friends tonight and better know that I can drink safely. LOL....

And then, as ALWAYS, I go to the bathroom and there they are, those stupid f*ing spots...not spots, but first AF signs...curious thing (WARNING! TMI here!), I hadn't got ANY of those, until I went to the "long" bathroom (you know what I mean). Historically (or at least for the past few years), before getting my period, going to the "long" bathroom is the most accurate proof, because it always always mean I will get those spots or I don't know how to call them. They're only when I wipe, and only after "long bathrooms", but there they were...

So any tiny hope I could have had, it's gone now, and it really pisses me off, even though I was pretty prepared this time. Well, I think I will never be enough prepared to receive that bad news. As the saying goes "hope is the last thing you loose" (I don't know how it is exactly in english)....so with the evidence, frustration comes along...

I'm really upset right now, that's the truth....

Well, as I told you before, I'm really really losing my faith in all this...I can't picture myself pregnant anymore, I think it will never come!!!

Sorry, must be PMS....

Dissapeared...

I haven't written in some days now...mainly because of 2 reasons:

1) I really haven't had that much time, it seems I have progressively more and more work, and of course, less and less time left to, for example, write in my blog. I've always kind of bragged about my ability to do things faster than most people: talk faster, think faster, write faster, work faster. So at work, historically my so called ability has given me lots of spare time, to the point I laughed about people who were always saying "I'm so busy, I don't have any time left at work". But now, although I still have time to email my friends and E, it seems there's always something that prevents me from doing stuff. In fact, I have lots of "pendings"...
Anyway, I'm not at all uncomfortable with this new "concept". In fact, I'd always dreamed of having a job where I could really use the "45 hours a week" work life. So it's good for me! Although I have to let some "entertainment" for my house. LOL...

2) There are some moments when I could indeed write, but for some weeks now, I've come to realize that writing, specially about TTC, really stress me, and make my anxious levels go way beyond normal. I know I've already written about this, but as you can see, I really mean it this time. In fact, I've felt a lot more "free" now. Of course I've come to care about some of you, blog fellas, so I still read you, but regarding my own blog, I think I will "abandon" it for a while. Not 100%, but I pretend to write less.....until I have really good news to share with you!! LOL....

Regardless all of the above, I'm still not totally cured of my "TTC obsession", that's the truth. I'm still aware of some symptoms, but try to put the thoughts in the bottom on my mind as soon as they start to haunt me.

And of course, I still get ocasionally jealous of pregnant women. In fact, on the last couple of nights I have dreamed twice that some friends are pregnant.

The first one was that one of my good friends, who already have 2 children, was pregnant again (the last time I dreamed that about her, she came like 1 week after that saying that she was really pregnant!! that scared me a little!!!). And last night I dreamed that my other friend, F (the one that hasn't behaved very well lately) was 6.5 weeks pregnant (and she wasn't yet married, so it pissed me even more!!!!! You know what I mean? Come on, how can she be that fertile!!! She's on pills for Christ's sake!!), so in my dream, my first thought was "fuck, even if I turned pregnant this month, she would still be ahead of me!!! Pretty stupid and competitive thought but well, it was a dream!! And I know you understand me!!!!!

And of course, there's SIL, with her BIG BIG belly, with her wonderful nursery room...with my whole family totally crazy about this granddaughter/niece to come...I really need all my strength to avoid a breakdown!! You can't imagine how relieved I was because I didn't went to have lunch at my parents' house last weekend. My sister told me later that SIL had this LOOOONG lists with all the things she have to do now that she's on her maternity leave (she's 7.5 months, in Chile pregnant working women, by law, have 42 days of pre-maternity leave and 84 post..), and even my sister got bored about how much was she talking about the baby.

I know her attitude is more than fair, but I can't help but "hate" her in some sort of way, for having ALL the attention and be, forever, the first one in the family to have a son/daughter. I feel so stupid, but I can't help it.

I imagine when (if) I have a baby, it will never ever be the same as now. Stupid examples: my mom bought a crib, that according to her, will be THE crib that will pass from one grandson/granddaughter to the next one. So, I (I insist, IF) will get the "crib that was thought for the 1º granddaughter". It's not because it's new or old, it's the whole idea that bothers me so much. I hope you understand I'm totally aware of my childish behaviour, I know I AM the one with the problem...it's only I CAN'T HELP MYSELF!!!!

Well, that was my "open heart" for today!!! Now I will go back to worry about my favorite subject: illness, headaches looking like tumours or head strokes, and that kind of stuff...at least those worries doesn't make me have terrible thoughts about innocent people !! LOL....

Hope everybody's alright!!!!! I'll continue to read you and make sporadic appearances...who knows that maybe I have good news before we know!!!

Fat and tired....

I don't have that much to write about lately....

The TTC subject, as I already related, is buried somewhere in the bottom of my mind. OK, I might be exagerating a little, I still think about it, still aware about dates, but for the most of it, I feel like I've come to get over the stress of it. I hope I continue that way when I'm in the 2 ww. But it has been really good for me, I insist, to mark some distance with stressing stuff about it: like temping, FF (which I visited yesterday just to have my data updated), even boards and things.

On other hand, I'm feeling really really fat lately. OK, I know it's my fault for eating so much and not being able to keep a diet, but anyway I feel horrible, full of "rolls"(that's what we call the fat in the stomach), and I'm getting kind of obsessed looking at everyone and finding everybody SO thin!! Specially women with little children or babies. I think "my God, how do they manage to be thin!!!". I've always struggled with weight, but until some years ago, I was pretty in shape (I realize that now, looking at pictures!!). But in some point my methabolism slowed and I can't keep myself in the same weight for more than 2 weeks. It's like I'm always gaining weight!! I know I have no problems with my thyroid, it's just my anxiety that I can't stop eating!!!!

Well, I'm now on a strict diet, that I hope to keep at least until my friend's wedding on August 26th. I also hope that by then I get pregnant, so then I can start with the right foot!!!

Thing is, I'm pretty tall, so I never look that fat, but I have this huge stomach I really really hate. Not to mention my sooooo huge butt. So I'm like a pear: no breast, but big bottom.

Also, I'm really tired. It doesn't matter how much I sleep, I'm always sleepy. I realized I only had 1.5 weeks of vacation, instead of the legal 3 weeks (because I was new on my job), so I didn't get to recover that much, and that 1.5 week rest only lasted half the year LOL!!!

E and I are planning to go out one of these weekends, just to relax and disconnect ourselves from our pressures! I hope we can find a nice place to go!!!

Well, as you can see, there's not much going on around here! Oh! And my friend F FINALLY got her ring!!! You know, engagement ring. She was waiting for it like for 2 years! So I had to forgot about her "bad attitude" and go congratulate her. Another wedding, diet again!! LOL (I REALLY hope by that time, March 2007, I will be very pregnant!!!!!)

That's about it. On the World Cup, I hope Portugal wins today, I like that team because they're like the "small ones" among all the big countries!!! Go Portugal!!!