Not a good day...

Today I'm definitively not feeling well....not physically (although I've had horrible cramps along the day), but mentally...emotionally...

I think it's probably a hormone disorder, due to my recently arrived period, but that doesn't make this feeling go away.

I know I've talked about this MANY times, but I really can't stop thinking about babies, infertility and everything related....

I got so angry today (internally, I didn't show it), because we got together with 2 friends to have lunch, and one of them was talking about the possibility that her husband goes to study an MBA in Spain, of course with her and their 2 kids. That's not a problem, what pissed me off was that she was all troubled because this 2-years-in-spain were messing her "3rd baby plan"....I don't know how to explain it, but the thing is I get the idea she's talking about "things", not babies, because she's like "if I start trying now, I won't have maternity leave covered, because I just entered the system (chilean things)", "but if I wait too long, I will have the baby far away"....OK, there's no problem she thinks that way, I would think about that stuff too...but when I suggested that maybe it wasn't that important to follow her "family plan" so strictly, that maybe she could wait a little longer to get pregnant so she could have her baby when she gets back, and she was like "NOOOO I don't want to wait that long, we (her husband and her) have all planned that our babies MUST have little difference between them, so whatever it takes, I will have my 3rd baby "on schedule"".....I mean COME ON!!!!! She doesn't care to be in a strange country, with 2 little kids AND a baby, it doesn't matter ANYTHING but "to be on schedule"....

And you know what's the worst thing of all? Finally EVERYTHING turns out for her JUST as she planned!! I don't know how she does it! Maybe I'm just jealous, I don't know...but it really made me sad, because it made me think "wow, she worries about being on schedule....I just wish I could HAVE a baby...one baby!!"....

I'm sorry, I think I'm not expressing very well, I'm really bitter today...finally my point is, I've learned so many times that you can't plan your life so accurately, finally God has the last word, and you have to be humble enough to accept that you can't control everything. I've had a hard time accepting this, so then comes my friend talking about her "planning", when I can't even plan my ovulation date!!! You know what I mean don't you??

OK, I have to go now to get my new car!! (:D) so I hope my mood gets better tomorrow!

See you!!

New car!!!...and disturbs...

Ok, so we are ready with our car!!! Tomorrow we will pick it up!!! I'm soooo happy, that car has been like my "ideal" car for several years now, so I'm really really excited!!!

Related with the car, E and I had an "adventure" today.

We had to go downtown to sign some papers for the loan we needed for the car, and when we were walking back to the subway, I started seeing progressively more people with their noses covered, sneezing, coughing and with teary eyes, and I started to get a little nervous (there's like a "social strike"...no, not strike, I don't know the name, like protests?? something like that, thing is, students, teachers and health workers are "stopped" today), but E was like "no, there's nothing going on"....so cinic, because it was pretty obvious that there were students gathered everywhere...anyway, we continued walking and as we are walking down the subway stairs, I tell E "where do these people come from!!", because everybody that came out of the subway was REALLY teary and with the nose covered and all....the answer came quickly to me as we entered the subway station.....it was like I had smelled a ton of pepper....WORSE!!!!!! my eyes hurt like acid had fell in them...my nose was SO itchy, as well as my throat. I couldn't stop coughing, almost couldn't see because I could barely open my eyes, it hurt so much!!! And E made me a sign to keep my mouth closed to avoid breathing, but it was impossible because my nose hurt so much also!!!!!!!!

Luckily the subway came pretty soon and the air started to clear a few minutes later...I don't know if you've heard "teary bombs"....they use it here whenever these strikes-protests occur, I don't know the components but the effect is literal!!!!!

So well, good thing to have signed the loan...but it sure did take some sacrifice!!! LOL...

I admit though, even if it was a pretty disgusting experience, I felt a liiiiittle good, I mean it was an adventure!!! I sound veeery naif, I know, but I had never been "attacked" by those bombs, and for the most of it they are harmless, but the experience....I felt like a soldier in the middle of a battlefield...a survivor!!! LOL....I'm stupid, I know, but I can't help it!!!!!!

Well, besides these entertaining story, my period arrived today...of course...it was (almost) no surprise...and it's a FULL period....so there's no chance of ANYTHING.....

Related to that, I decided to change the RE I was going to. Thing is, the daughter of a friend of my mom (I know the phrasing is wrong, but I thought "a friend of my mom's daughter" didn't sound right) had a lot of trouble getting pregnant...and now she just had her baby, thanks to Doctor Gonzalez (I'm not afraid of saying his name, because Gonzalez is the most popular last name here..). I got that information casually; the day my niece was born we ran into them (friend and daughter) and they said his name. The problem was that I thought a friend of mine had had that doctor when she had her first son, and it was a pretty bad labour, because the doctor unpurposedly "broke" an artery of my friend...(I'm sorry, I really don't know medical terms in english) My friend turned out ok but she lost a lot of blood an all....

So of course I didn't want to go to that doctor. But yesterday, I asked my friend what was the name of her actual doctor (it was a cinical question, "I ran into this person the other day who named a doctor Gonzalez...is that your doctor?"), and it turned out the "bad" doctor was another one, and her actual doctor is this Gonzalez, that she likes A LOT.

So that decided me to go to this so called Doctor Gonzalez, having already 2 good referals (or references?). We're going next tuesday (instead of next thursday, so that's 2 days less of anxiety), and I really hope he doesn't give us one of those speeches we all hate: "well, and what are you doing here!!! you have to wait longer!!!!" or the annoying "there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with you, just relax and have fun"...I really wouldn't like to hear that...and certainly E neither (he's afraid that we go only for the possibility to hear that)....

But this time I'm prepared, I won't just listen, I want to explain to him that I don't care that he thinks we have to wait longer, that emotionally we aren't capable of continuing this "torture", that there are at least two things I suspect I could have: insulin resistence (PCOS involved) and/or low progesterone. That in the best of cases, we are 100% ok, but it's better for us to know for sure, and if there's something wrong, why wait longer. That we have been TTC not "just" 7 months, but 13 or 14 if we consider that we first started trying on april 2005, and "infertility" means when you're unable to conceive or bring a baby to full term in a year...and so on...I have quite some arguments, and I won't let him say me goodbye without asking me for some exams!!! LOL....

Ok, enough for now, this post is really long!!!

See you!!

That time of the month....

Even though I've promised myself so many times that I don't have to be affected (or soo affected) by this TTC and that I have to "let it be when it have to be"....I still haven't been able to "receive" calmly those obvious signs that show me that AGAIN, there's no pregnancy this month.

I really try to act so naturally, telling my husband "mmm I think my period is about to come"...but then after a couple of hours (errr...minutes) I start with the "I-know-I-shouldn't-feel-bad-but-I'm-f*ing-pissed-off-with-this-whole-ttc-thing" speech...I hate it, really.

At least I've evolved to the point that I don't even think of the possibility of doing a HPT (well, I think of it, but that's just guilty-in the shower-thought).

It's like my thoughts start on the non-pregnant basis, and then I can allow myself wishful thinking ONLY if days pass and there's no AF sign. But as to today, there hasn't been enough space (or days) to allow the wishful thinking to come (except some 2 months ago when it came on CD33!!! that was a very cheaty game my body played to me...).

Sooooo...here I am, ready to go to a RE (next thursday, not this one!), hating the world, hating to be "different" from my friends, from my family...and having that HIDEOUS waiting...the one that has those "signs" (sporadic tiny-spotting), but that ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS has that minimum not-admittable hope that maybe, maybe for once I will be one of those persons that "ohhh I didn't think I could be pg because I had some spotting, but it turned out to be some implantation or something...spotting....", but that thought is followed by "come on, don't cheat yourself, you know that you'll never be one of those persons, you know that when (IF) you get pregnant, there'll be sure signs, in no way similar to those that you have each end of cycle".

I'm sorry I'm so bitter, but I know you understand me!!! We've all been there, haven't we???

Well, on other brighter thoughts, my niece is more wonderful each day, she's really really beautiful and I already love her so much. But of course, every time I see her, I feel that twinge of pain thinking "it would be SO great to have one of my own".....but well, I understand that's one part of the whole TTC process....

Other thing I've been thinking, after obsessing day after day about how fat I am, is that there's no way I can loose weight, mainly because I'm so anxious that I feel like eating all the time, so I've thought that next time someone says "it's better to get pg being thin", I will tell them "I WOULD HAvE BEEN thin if I'd gotten pregnant as fast as you did...!!!"...

I'm sorry, this post wasn't very logic or anything but I really needed to sort some things out....

Oh! at least one good news, we're getting a new car, I don't know if you have that model, it's a SUV, Toyota RAV4 advantage...love that car!! it's used but very good shaped!!! so that's something nice to tell you!! LOL!

See you, most probably next time I write I will be upset for having gotten my period on day35, after waisting (yet) another HPT that showed a VERY BFN....ha ha...

Long weekend ahead!

Well, things have been a little hectic around here, mainly because we have our Independence Day on Monday (Sept. 18th), and Tuesday is "Armed Forced Glory Day" or something like that, so we have a very long weekend and historically, it's the most popular holiday. To be precise, Sept. 18th it's not our independence day, but the "First National Board" day. It was right after the King of Spain was taken prisioner, so chileans decided to make this Board to resolve what to do now that the King was a prisioner (this was in 1810). Anyway, for some reason we celebrate this day and not the real independence day that was February 12th, 1818 (maybe because that's in the middle of the summer! LOL).

OK, enough history for now, the point is we have a celebration here at my office tomorrow, with a barbecue for lunch and then several "chilean" activities, and I'm part of a "welfare commitee" so I have been organizing a lot....

And for the weekend, we're going with some friends to a nearby beach (the "non-kids" friends), so I'm pretty excited about it..

On other news, I wanted to say that Blogger isn't letting me leave comments (just in a few blogs), but I've been reading you all and wanted to say to K. that I'm very happy for you and I hope everything turns out ok!!

See you!!!

Yet another picture!!

Doesn't she look like a doll??? Literally!!!

I'm sorry, I can't help myself....