Tough day

Saturday, I realize now, was a tough day...

It was my MIL's family reunion. She, her 6 sisters, and all their sons, daughters, grandchildren...with their spouses of course (in case there was one!)...so we were like 60 and it was my MIL the one who organized everything, but E and I helped her a lot because she's not used to be in charge of these things....

Apart from the tiredness and tension of being somehow in charge, worried that everything was fine, that everybody was having a good time and all...I've come to realize that it was pretty tough to see that all of E's cousins (they're 18) have children...all of them! Well, E's the second younger cousin, followed by a female cousin who's about 30 years old, but anyway, it took a lot of strength to see all of them with their children...I played a lot with some of them, because I've always liked kids!! But E told me one of his cousins asked him something like "are you trying to have a baby? because Josefina's so good with kids, so patient!" and E told her that yes, that we were actually TTC...only to hear her say all the regular stuff about just relax, it will come when the time's right and all....

In fact, we had quite some good amount of the "and the babies, when?" chat that's really exhausting...another E's cousin asked me and when I answered something like "yeah, we're on it, but it's not that easy", she went on with the so typical speech about having a good time now that we don't have kids and all that. She was clearly a little uncomfortable with my answer, I could tell...I kept thinking about Melissa's post of people having to take charge about possible answers to their questions. If they ask about us having kids, they should think if they're ready to hear my answer even if it's not what they would like to hear...

I mean, why do they ask in the first place? What are they expecting to hear? If I was pregnant, of course they would know...so the possible answers are either "we're on it" or "we don't want kids yet"....if it's the first one, then be careful! maybe we've been trying very hard and if they're asking, there's a chance they could make us feel uncomfortable! If we don't want kids yet, why do they want to know? Why do they care!!!

Well, of course it's not their fault I'm so sensitive with this issue, and I, too have asked that question so many times!! But it still pisses me off when they don't know what to answer...this cousin really messed it because when I first told her that we were TTC she said something like "well, you're just married, you haven't even been married for a year"...and I told her "ehhh...no, we've been married for almost 2 years now"and she "well, it's not that much time anyway" (but with that "oops" tone you know?), and then my "it's not that easy speech" that was followed by a "were you taking contraceptives for a long time? (I knew she was preparing the "when you've taken those pills for a long time, your body takes some time to adjust back" speech) and when I answered here that I haven't taken them in a long time and that indeed I didn't use them for long, she really didn't have a clue of what to say next, so the conversation ended with her saying: "well, you can do stuff now that you don't have children"....LOL...poor girl, she was so clearly clueless! But then again, I insist, if she wasn't prepared to an "unwanted" answer, why on earth did she ask!!! If I didn't know better, I would've believed she had read Melissa's blog about "most annoying things people ask to IF couples"....I really couldn't believe every thing she said was worse and worse. Of course she didn't mean (and I'm sure she never thought about this after our conversation) to make me feel bad, but I really felt bad...for her, for being such a pain in the ass without knowing it...and for us, that (for the zillionth time) we haven't been able to conceive yet....

I thought, if E and I are so good with kids, and like them so much, why...WHY???

Well, at least my fertility monitor is working ok I think...it has already showed "high fertility", even if I'm only on day 7! But it said on the instructions that on the first month it can show a lot of high fertility days, because it doesn't know my cycle yet. Despite that, I think we're starting our campaign a little earlier...who knows? maybe I have a long lutheal phase and that's the whole problem..!! LOL...we'll see...

Events coming up: My niece's baptism (today I bought her the cutest baptism dress!), my mom's birthday, a close friend's engagement ceremony, a wedding, our little trip to Mendoza...ufff...that's some end of year!!!

One reaaally short hope...

Well, that was quick...I got my period just a few moments ago...I already knew it because I couldn't help to temp today...even if I hadnt' take my temp all month...I have temped enough months to know my "high" temps...in fact, yesterday I also took my temperature and it was just above my limit...but today it went unmistakely (or unmistoodly?) down...

At least I'm progressively more and more sure that my body and cicles are ok. I mean, I just need to take my temp one time every once in a while to know perfectly well what's going to happen!! And well, my cycles are SO regular, 29 days straight...(maybe it's 28, historically I've counted CD1 as CD29 of the before cycle, but maybe that means the cycle lasted 28 days...whatever...), so I don't even have time to "worry". There has been a few exceptions anyway, but it's always between 28 and 32, or 33 max. So I believe that's pretty regular...

So this can mean one of the following:
1) I have a longer or shorter lutheal phase that means we can be missing the "fertile windows" in our "sex days" (specially because looking back, we made our homework on the precise days, if I had a normal lutheal phase)
2) I wasn't lucky enough to fall in the 25% chance of getting pregnant this month (and the months before...)
3) There's something wrong with my eggs...too fragile or something..or some blocking somewhere
4) There's something wrong with E's sperm...I've thought about this lately, but not because I think he could have a serious issue, but because he has been so stressed lately, that it could be affecting his fertility...could it be?? I guess I should make a little research about this.

Well, at least I will be able to use my monitor!!! LOL...on I go to the daily-pee-on-a-stick routine...I hope it's worth it!!!

At least I'm not so depressed, I was a little dissapointed of course...as always, but I'm already hopeful again for months to come!!! I hope this lasts!!!

Thanks for your support comments!!

CD28

Well, here I am again...waiting for AF to come to visit...AGAIN....

But well, this time is different, because I already have my Fertility Monitor!!! I'm so happy, I'm sure it will help us so much, and it also has allowed me to relax a little more this month and focus on the monitor more than on the possibility to be or not pg.

Anyway, I must admit that this month I feel more hopeful than other months, not because we did something special, but because I've been thinking that SOME time I have to get pg (this is, unless there's something wrong with me or E, and there's still that chance, but there's also a not so tiny chance that we can indeed get pg sooner or later), so why can't it be this month? I mean, over the last months I've thought "well, why get my hopes up if it's obvious nothing's going to happen this time, just like last time"....but now I'm like "if things are ok with us, this month can be, in fact, different than previous months"....

So I'm feeling better with these feelings. I mean, of course I still believe my period is coming, but I'm keeping an open mind, more like waiting than suffering, you know what I mean?

I've somehow recovered my illusion, although I don't know how long it will last, but I feel better this way...I think....still realistic, thinking that we weren't that active this month, but still hopeful...

I think more than hopeful about this month in particular, it's hopeful about getting pregnant some time....and I keep thinking about something Johnny Depp said in his character of Mr. Barrie in "The man of Neverland" (I don't know the exact name of the movie) about believing something with all your heart to make it come true...It's a little naif, but I'm kind of sticking to it...LOL....

Well, I'll keep you informed about all this....

Have a nice week!!

Fraud!!!!

I've started to believe that E and I are under some kind of evil spell that makes bad things happen to us all the time...

It's sounds pretty serious, but, no, it's not that terrible....It's only that it seems that someone cloned E's credit card!!!!!

See, last tuesday I called the bank because there was something wrong with the amounts of the credit card: the amount used + the amount available was less than the total amount we have approved. But then, as the lady that answered the phone was trying to explain to me what could've happened, she started to name me the last movements and named some REALLY STRANGE things, there were 2 expenses for a little more than US$10 each...nothing to worry but still strange...and then she says "and here is another one for US$240" (aproximate values)...and I was like "WHAT!!!!"....so I called E to ask him because it was his credit card (we have a common bank account), but of course he hadn't bought anything (he would've asked me, that's for sure!)...so I blocked the credit card.....

At least we have an insurance against fraud with credit cards, but nonetheless it really sucks. Probably the bank will take at least a couple of months to give us the money back....and well, it's not like we will be broken without that money, but come on!! it's not nice that suddenly you have less money....I imagine I could've bought so many things with that money!! LOL....

Finally, I'm so angry because you can never be safe!!! I feel somewhat stupid, cheated...you know the feeling???

The worst thing of all is that we'll probably never know when, where or who cloned the card, if it was cloned, because maybe someone copied the number only, I don't know..it really sucks...

Well, it could've been worse, because there was another charge, for US$1.500, but was denied by the bank, I think because the card was already blocked.

About the initial phrase of this post, that we have some kind of spell on us, it's because we always have this "incidents", that aren't so serious, but unlikely and very upsetting....for example:

1) once, a plant pot fell over E's car roof. He was parked in a open parking lot and during the night there was a storm, and the plant fell from one of the apartments above his car...I mean, who's car get hit by a plant!!!! it sounds almost funny!!

2) another time, I picked up E at his job and when trying to cross a street, we started honking and yelling at a man who was blocking the crossing point...and he out of the blue got out of his car, went to my side (I was driving) and kicked the side mirror, breaking it completely!!! then he went off, with us being unable to react!!! From all the drivers in the city, we had to run into a crazy man!!!!!

3) another time, we were driving back from a wedding, and suddenly we felt this HUGE sound, like a bomb....but no, it was a car who hit us from the back. But the curious thing is that we were driving!! in the middle of a straight street!! Not in a crossing, not stopped, just driving!! Well, luckily we didn't have any major consecuences, my neck was twisted, but nothing serious. Anyway we passed all that night at the hospital and then at the police station....awful night! and just 2 months before our wedding!! We were really really scared...

4) then, a couple of months ago we were on our way to work and on a corner, where we wanted to turn left, a man came on the second row of the street (it was actually the other side of the street, so he was going against the traffic) and tried to turn right!! he was doing 3 things wrong: going on the wrong side of the road, trying to turn right from that point, and not seeing that we were going the other way!!! It was a really small accident, but we had to go to the police station, to the insurance and all....and the man's excuse was "I'm unemployed and I was late to an interview, and this isn't even my car"....we were very cold hearted but told him that we couldn't be responsible for his problems, that he should drive well in any conditions....and I'm SURE it was a lie to avoid paying...

5) now this credit card problem....I mean, credit card cloning has even appeared on the news, but I've never met anyone who have actually had this problem...and of all the people...WE have to go through this!!!!

Well, of course there are people that have MUCH bigger problems, but we have a tendency to have this stupid-unlikely events that are very much upsetting!!!!

I'll keep you informed about what happens with this problem!!

3)

Here we go again...

I remember clearly saying I wouldn't stress so much about TTC anymore, that I would try to think less about it and continue with my life...

But here I am, cd 15 or 16 (well, at least I'm not THAT aware!), and I'm already thinking "did it work out? could this be the month?"...even though we weren't that active...but what do you know, there are so many people who have gotten pregnant the ONE time they had sex (or so they say), so why do things have to be so statistical every time?

Well, the good thing I'm not that worried because my parents, sister and smallest brother are right now flying towards US: orlando and miami (disney and beach/shopping...lucky them!), and I gave my mom very specific instructions for her to buy me a Fertility Monitor (I checked on the prices and buying one over there it's like 30% cheaper, and given the opportunity, of course I took it!), with a picture of the box and all. So I'm more anxious about starting to use the monitor than anything. I'm sure it will make things a lot easier!!!

Because among other things, our sex desire is pretty low lately, of course mainly because this TTC stress..it's almost impossible to separate sex from "baby-making", and it puts a really big pressure on us. Take yesterday for example. E was really really tired, he even felt asleep watching TV, well, that's not so strange, but it was 8 pm!! and then when I told him let's go to bed, he barely opened his eyes and continued sleeping....he did make an attempt, like "today we have to!"...and I really wasn't able to go for it, I too was very tired and E was sleeping before I could answer....see? so there you go, unless I ovulated somewhere between sunday and yesterday, we lost our fertility window...but what can we do! there really are some days when we can't!!

And well, of course there's the "what for" thinking, that's well settled in our minds for a couple months now...you know? what's the point of making the effort, if as much as we try, nothing happens....

So that leads me to my original thought, that I now would LOVE to have a BFP to finally be able to relax!!! Because I feel that each month that goes by, we're less and less motivated. Don't get me wrong, we're more and more motivated to HAVE a baby, less and less motivated to MAKE one...LOL....

Well, we're thinking of going to a little trip on december, as to celebrate our anniversary... nothing too big, in fact, we're thinking on going to Mendoza (Argentina), remember I went with my grandma, mom, sister, aunt and cousins? Only this time we're planning on going by car!!! no more airplanes for now LOL...So I hope that trip (if we actually go!) can help us relax, disconnect ourselves from our routine, and hopefully can bring with us a fertilized egg!! LOL (I will check the dates to see if I will be fertile!!)

Ok, no more for now!!!

No HSG...for now

So, I finally decided to cancel my HSG hour. I decided it yesterday, after thinking for a while, talking to my mom and E....and I'm pretty happy about my decision.

I'm really not that ready to take that exam yet, and I thought that if 2 different doctors have told me that there's nothing wrong with me, maybe I'm really 100% ok, and I only need to really believe in that to get pregnant. It maybe sounds too plain and simple but I'm really buying it.

So from now I'll try a different attitude towards pregnancy, I will try to get my life back to normal - it's not that un-normal right now but anyway - and part of that "normality" includes going to Pilates once and for all. I've posponed going the whole year because my thoughts were like "what if I get pregnant and for doing Pilates I have a m/c?", and now I think that what's meant to be, will be. If a baby's meant to be, there's no pilates or anything that will prevent it from being. Of course I have to be careful in not doing too harmful things, but I think doing exercise is far from harmful!!!

Also, I'm thinking about buying a fertility monitor, that way I can maximize chances, and not depend on a doctor!

Thank you all for your support and advice, if things don't work in a while, I will indeed do an HSG and all that, but for now, I'm really not prepared.

RE appointment

I just got back from the RE.
I feel blah...

I don't know, maybe I was hoping for a little more empathy or I don't know.
The thing is, the doctor asked me the typical "how long have you've been trying" and all that stuff. At least he agreed with me that we've been TTC 14 months, if we sum up everything.

Well, he did checked on me (transvaginal U/s and "touching" that was SO disgusting) and he gave us some orders for some exams: E his semen analysis and me, some sort of x-ray with contrast liquid that can show if there's permeability or something like that...and also some hormone level exam: the basics.

But what left us a little dissapointed is that this doctor was just like everybody else, saying: "well, you already conceived, so that demonstrates that you're ok", and when I started arguing that maybe I have something that prevents a baby from sticking, he was like "noooo, everybody has pregnancy losses"...and all that stuff I'm so used to hear.

The thing is he didn't pay attention to our emotional exhaustment or our anxiety or anything you know? it was like talking to a friend, "relax, just have a good time having sex every other day"...COME ON!!! We're tired!! We're sick of this!! I don't care if there's people in a much more difficult situation than me (I mean, I do care, but you know what I mean)!!! (he told me that there are some women who have been trying for 8 years and are much older than me blablabla, I KNOW!! but that doesn't make me pregnant!!).

Then, when I insinuated I could have PCOS, he said that NO, I don't have PCOS because I'm regular, and I have conceived so that means I do ovulate. Then, maybe I have low progesterone, and he was like NO, progesterone hasn't been proved effective in making someone pregnant, so I never give progesterone. And me: how about that spotting I have several days before my menses? And he: now, that's normal....

Sooooo, yes, probably I don't have anything, probably I'm just too nervous...probably I need to relax and have a good time...yes, that could be, but in the meantime....How can I relax!! I don't get it, really, how can I say, "oh yes, let's act as if this was the first month TTC; let's act as if time hasn't go by...."....I can't do it...I really can't!

I have an hour tomorrow to do that contrast thing, but I'm having second thoughts. I'm a little scared of that liquid, there are people who have died because of an allergic reaction to that liquid...so I think...what if in my desperation to have a baby, I die?? Wouldn't that be ironic?
And from what the doctor said, I look pretty normal, so why expose myself? But then again, what if the doctor's presumptions (does that word exist?) are wrong and I do have some blocking? I don't know, something tells me I shouldn't do that test, not because of the allergy, but mostly because I will spend money, have a bad time, and to hear: "everything's ok"....mmm...I'm not sure it's worth the sacrifice...I will think about it a little more...

Anyway, I think the conclusion of all this is: WAIT....continue Trying...RELAX...I don't see another way out...I insist, that exam tomorrow doesn't convince me at all....

Well, I'll tell you tomorrow if I did it or not. In the meantime, I will check this SO interesting blog: Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters that has really helped me out. In case you haven't visit it yet, do it, I'm sure you'll like it as much as I do. I think everybody knows it, but anyway, I wanted to put it here!!

I'm sorry I think this blog wasn't very clear, but I needed to decompress!! Thank you for understanding!!

UPDATE: I feel SOOOO ignorant, I went to check on the blog I mentioned, and that "contrast liquid exam", is no more no less than the famous HSG!! LOL, it's just that the doctor put in the order a very loooong name, and I never did the association...and of course I, to the moment, never knew what exactly was the HSG test that most of the blogs I read mention. So now I know, and now I'm really terrified! on one side, but on the other side I read that it's useful to detect some other annomalies as well as blocked tubes, so then again it could be indeed useful. But maybe I will let another month go by, I don't feel prepared to be in such pain! and I read I could bleed for several days, and my fertile period is coming soon, so I think I will pospone it...