Hope-less...

I'm reaching that part of the month (cycle speaking) when I just KNOW I won't turn out to be pregnant when testing day comes. Sometimes it's because of evident PMS signs, sometimes it's just that I can't really imagine getting a BFP again one day. Yes. Sometimes I get pretty hopeless....

Today the defining thing was my temp. It was very low, so I took it again, thinking I must had taken it wrong, and although it climbed up a little, it was just above coverline, I mean 0.12 ºC above.

So of course my first thought: damn it, period is just around the corner. Second thought: but well, I'm on 11 dpo, I shouldn't be getting it yet. Third thought: of course there is a problem with my left/right (I don't know which) ovary that it's making me have irregular menses (because these "problems" come every other period). Fourth thought: that f*ing "miome" has sure grown enough to make me have fertility issues. Fifth thought (thanks to FF and TMI in general), maybe I am indeed pregnant and this is the "implantation dip" (although it'd be a little late for implantation). Sixth though: this sucks.

So, as you can see, I'm not in the best of moods today. Of course I think now, this should probably be PMS!!! Irritability, sensible, and all that crap...

Anyway, I'm thinking I will change my GYN appt, I don't think I can wait until june 21st to know what's going on with me (if there's something going on! most probably not, but not knowing is making me too anxious).

As stupid as it may sound, along with these "depressed" thoughts, I still have a little hope. For example, last night I suddenly woke up with my throat really really sore. It was like I couldn't swallow without feeling an intense pain (I'm pretty sure it was not that intense, but half-asleep, things seem a lot worse), and then, in the middle of my sore throat, I started to feel a little nauseous (not dizzy, just "throw up" sensation), but I thought it was because of the great coughing urge I had. But then this morning I had the sensation again, and my throat didn't sore a bit. So of course the "magical thinking" hit me: maybe I'm pg!

Then again, I remember last night I ate a creamy dessert (I went out with a friend), and cream always makes me feel nauseous the next day, so that must be it.

I'm really starting to hate mother nature. Why is it that you are fertile for just 24 hours!! 72 considering sperms' duration. And then, why is it that you have to wait 2 entire weeks to know if you're pregnant!!! I'm really not satisfied with these timings, that's the truth....

Well, I'll let you know when AF shows (I've already figured out what AF means, I think, although I don't know what the A and F stands for??)...

There you go...

Thanks so much K. and S. for your tips!! As you can see, they worked!!!

Well, so now everybody will be able to know where am I in this TTC journey!!!

Today is 10 dpo, the time of the month where I think there's no way I'll be able to wait until 14 dpo. Also, by this time is when every month, no exception, my hopes start to go really up, because - very naive of me - I see no menses' signs, and start to feel pregnancy symptoms. It's always the same, so I'm like starting to recognize all these things and trying to keep my feet in the ground!!

Last night we watched "Saw" (I know it's not a very new movie, but neither E or me had seen it), and of course I had nightmares about the movie. It's a good movie (very "point and click games" inspired, we thought), but it's a little too graphic...

And about E, he finally talked to his bosses (yesterday, not friday), but they couldn't get to the part of income definition. E managed to tell them what he would expect to earn, but they didn't give him a final answer about that, but of course they told him that they really needed him and all that stuff. Supposedly today they'll define that particular issue, as they have to make him a contract starting june 1st. Well, I hope finally he has an answer, and we can stop stressing at the end of each month, not knowing how much are we going to have each time!!!!

Another thing is that I'm coming down with the flu or something, my throat hurts, I'm sobbing (not crying-sobbing, but flu-sobbing, you know? I don't want to give TMI), my back hurts like hell, and I'm feeling really really tired...of course naive me again, don't want to take any risks so I'm just having some "paracetamol", that my friends' doctors have given them while pregnant. Hope this go away soon!!! I hate it to be like this!!!

See ya!!

Ticker problems...

I'm trying so hard to put a ticker in my title, but there's no way I can do it, so I'll put it here.

Help is very welcomed!!!

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/ticker/12af37/ttc.png

5 days to go...

Hi! Hope everybody had a nice weekend!!!!

Thanks Lorem about your "breast advices", I too think there's nothing wrong with my sister, but anyway, as you say, it's very good that she has already started checking herself.

As my title says, I'm already in the final "waiting" week, and I'm indeed a little anxious. Of course I've been checking any suspicious signs, but still, there's nothing too evident. I think being "constipated" is THE thing I find a little strange. I mean I usually have "constipation" episodies, but I think this is a little different...well, we'll know in 5 days! LOL....

Today I weighed myself (I'd dreaded to do it because I knew I was fat! but today I decided it's the only way to eat less!), and I was VERY fat....so I decided I need to loose a couple of KG (I don't know the conversion, I think it'd be like 6-8 pounds?) before I go to the gynecologist, whether I'm pregnant or not.

Well, we had a nice weekend: baptism of a friend's son, birthday, and yesterday, my parents' house.

That's what I can report as for now (monday mornings aren't the best time to be creative!)!!

Tired and a little moody

I'm so glad today's friday, because I'm SO tired. I think the alarm went off today when I was in the middle of my deepest sleep phase, so now I'm feeling quite irritable...

Of course, I can't help but think about EPS (early pregnancy symptoms), but of course, I'm ALWAYS tired (I need at least 9 to 10 hours of sleeping to be recovered), so it's not that strange.

I think this month anxiety will be higher than last month, because I do have this great hope, and of course, the 4th month TTC is somehow a milestone for me....well, 1 more week, and we'll know!

On other topic, my little sister was very worried she had found herself "something" in her boobs, so my mother took her to have a sort of "breast ultrasound"....and they indeed found a nodule, very very small (lentle size), that of course it's probably nothing, but my mom calls me saying "they found a nodule....lentle size, that the dr says it only has to be monitored, but I'll ask another doctor for his opinion"....with this serious a little worried voice that gave me the creeps...I KNOW there's nothing wrong with my sister, of course how many of us must have those micro-nodules, but anyway I got a little nervous. My sister was only moody, because my mom kept calling people and putting her on the phone, that's so typical of my mom...well, I just called my sister to hear from her what was really it, and well, I was pretty much the same my mom told me, but in another tone, you know what I mean? Ok, I think it'll be ok (my sister is 15 by the way).

Today's supposed to be THE day, when E's going to talk with his bosses about his future in that company. I hope things turn out well!!!

Friends...

I was trying to post a picture of my long-long hair but the page kept showing me an error.
I'll try later, so you can get the idea!!

Yesterday I got together with my school friends, and (as usual) I got a little bored. There's this particular friend who's SO self-centered, she couldn't stop talking about her (totally un-concrete) wedding, how many guests, the place of the party, the person who will make her dress...but the funniest thing of all is that all's based in her beliefs that her boyfriend will ask her to marry him....she says they've already talked about it and all, but she's been going on with this for like 2 years!!!

Give me a break! There are other things going in the world!!

For example, our other friend that is REALLY getting married in august, I couldn't ask her anything about the organization or anything. And the other one (we're 4) has a new boyfriend (after a terrible marriage that lasted like 1 year) was eager to tell us all about him, but she had to made HUGE efforts to be listened because the "false-wedding" one kept interrupting with comments like "but what should I do with my MIL, that will PROBABLY want this and that"....really annoying.

And me? Of course there was no way I was even going to TRY to talk about something regarding my life..that has happened for the last couple of times we'd get together, so I don't even try to talk anymore (and believe me, I love to talk!). It's not that I would like to talk all the time, but there are indeed some things I can talk about...but it seems no one cares much (of those friends, of course I can talk to other people, but not with "self-centered" absorbing the conversation).

And to top this "meeting", new-boyfriend-divorced-friend told me that my hair was red!!!! And it was in a very serious tone, like saying "it is very red (with a kind of strange face, like "i don't like it")". It is not RED (I don't have anything against red hair, but I hate it when people try to convince you of something you're sure it's not that way), but it really upset me a little.

E can't understand why I keep being friends with SC (self-centered), but sometimes, when it's just her and me, I can manage to get her out of her favorite subject and things doesn't go so bad.

Anyway, after last night experience, I decided I will take some "distance" from SC and B (boyfriend-divorced friend), it doesn't do me any good and my free time is limited, so I definitively rather spend that time with some nicer people!!

Well, as you see, I'm not liking my friends a lot today (I know I've posted about this before, but I don't know how to make a link without looking for the post for a long time)...of those 3, only 1 is still likeable for me! LOL!

Baby-pregnancy news: NONE, just in that waiting-still-not-anxious phase, that I don't like very much, but I think I'm starting to get used to it, because it seems each month I get less anxious (at least on the 1st waiting week, I don't know what will happen next week!!). FYI I'm on DPO4, so 10 days more of waiting!!

Hairless!!!

Yesterday, as announced,I went to cut and dye my hair....I loved the color!! But my new haircut...hmmm...I'm having a bit of a hard time getting used to having my hair like half the length it used to have (it was all the way down to my ankles, or somewhere around there. Now it's only "boobs length"), but on the other side, I like the way I look with a lot less hair, and having this more "modern" look.

E loved my "Guinevere look" (Guinevere from King Arthur...medieval look), so he's not very thrilled about all this, but he still says he finds me beautiful, and he only needs to get used to this haircut.

All and all, I'm very happy, because I think I looked too childish, and now I feel like a "young, modern, executive woman" LOL....and of course, I now don't have to worry about eventually hurting a baby, because of dyeing my hair while pregnant! (although there was another woman at the parlor and she was happily pregnant and happily dyeing her hair!)

On other news, FF finally marked my ovulation day: last saturday (just as I thought so!). I'm very happy because our timing was very adequate, and also because I'm already in DPO3.

What else...well, E's still with a lot of work, very stressed, but at least yesterday I found a job very suitable for him, so maybe he'll apply. But even though he doesn't get the job or doesn't even apply, it's good to know that there are indeed some job opportunities for him, that I'm sure makes him feel a lot more confident about himself!

New week

Well, we had a really nice weekend, a little intense, but nice anyway.

The best thing of all is that we've been doing our "homework" very well, so I'm even feeling hopeful!!

On other news, E and I went to his "sugar" doctor today, to check his levels and everything. He was pretty good, only he has to take it easy on carbs and sugar.

I think I don't have much to tell today. I can only refer to my temps, that are acting a little crazy and I'm confused. Yesterday it was really up, so I was confident I'd already ovulated, but today it went down again, not THAT down, but as FF doesn't know that my temps are normally very low (because I haven't been able to temp everyday, so the graph shows a lot of zig-zags), it hasn't declared me "already ovulated", but well, I'm pretty sure I did already ovulate around friday or saturday. Anyway, I'll keep temping, hoping that tomorrow it goes up again and stays there!!

That's about it for now. I'll catch up on other blogs!

Strange day

I'm feeling a little strange today...not physically...or maybe yes, but mostly emotionally...

There hasn't been anything in particular today that could've made me feel like this...so I think it's mostly that I'm very worried about E's job. I mean, I can't believe we're just 10 days away from the end of the month, and still nobody's been able to tell him what his conditions will be...it really sucks. And of course, he can't just say "ok what the f'ck, I'm outta here"...because he still likes what he does and of course, he does like 90% of what has to be done. So it's not easy to leave. And it's not like he raises his hand for a job and "pum!", a new job arrives.

I don't know, sometimes I feel very selfish, but I feel a little "abandoned" by him. I mean, we talk a lot, and are pretty close these days with the TTC and all, but I feel that he's always thinking about his job, and in fact, most of our conversations have that issue included. I know he needs to talk about it with someone, and of course I love it that he trusts me enough to tell me everything. But still, sometimes I think it's even worse to keep talking and talking about something that doesn't have a clear end yet, and it's getting pretty exhausting to be 20 hours a day talking about the same thing.

Anyway, E knows perfectly well that he's not being his usual self, but he can't help it, I know. He's always been very stressed about work, always thinking the worst is going to happen and all. But now it is really bad, because for as much as I know, in 10 days all we'll have will be my income, and that sure doesn't cover our expenses.

Well, I still hope things can get solved soon, but I've been thinking that for so long now that I'm starting to get a little desperate.

On other merrier news, today is my brother's birthday, tomorrow one of my closests friends is having her "ring ceremony" (we have a ceremony here where a priest blesses the wedding rings and the soon-to-be bride and groom put them on, the literal name is like "put-on the rings", it sounds funny in english, you sure have another name for it), and sunday, E and other friends' husbands want to go Karting, so us wives will be there to cheer them up. Pretty interesting weekend ahead!! (and a lot of work, because I offered my friend to make the desserts for her ceremony LOL).

Have a nice weekend!!

Niece!!!

Today my brother and SIL had an u/s, and it turned out their baby is a girl!!!!!!

This is quite a surprise, considering on the last u/s there were 80% chances it was a boy, and we were already talking about the baby boy, with a name and all. We'd even bought some boy stuff!!!!!

Well, anyway my brother and SIL and very happy, they will call her Juliet (yes, like Romeo and Juliet). I'm not particularly fond of that name, because it seems to be a pretty popular name around our local "celebrities", but they like it, so that will be it.

My sister told me my dad didn't seem very thrilled about these news, because he always thought it would be great for my brother to have someone to teach men stuff to. But I agree with my mom, who said "well, God is perfect, so this must be perfect". I think that too.

About my feelings, as I told you before, I no longer feel jealous, in fact I'm pretty excited about this new member of the family. I think I finally accepted the fact that they are going to have their baby and not me. It sounds pretty obvious, but I really had a hard time getting used to the idea that things hadn't come out the way I'd planned them to.

And, I'm starting to get like "bored" with this TTC, I'm really pretty pissed off that it can't be "natural", for example yesterday I was so so so tired that I couldn't bring myself to "conceive". I mean, E was very tired also, so none of us made an attempt to "get close". But I'm a little worried, because I think I'm losing my faith in it, you know?

It's like sometimes I've thought "well, that's it, I will stop trying". I've even have this thought about artificial insemination, that hopeless I am now.

I feel having sex isn't that fun anymore, even if when I'm at it I have a great time, it's not like I'm thinking "yeah! today it's wild sex night!". If it weren't for the TTC pressure, I'm sure it'd be a lot more exciting, but we lost that "spontaneous" thing a long time ago (when we started trying). We sure do have "bad timing" good sex (on non-fertile days), but for the most of it, it feels like an appointment more than anything. And what pisses me more is that I don't have the right to be tired on fertile days because I loose the chance that month. Why do we have to have so short "fertile windows" I wonder...

And of course, E continues in a "limbo" in his work, he still haven't got an answer from his bosses, telling him how much are they going to pay him!!!!! So he works more than 12 hours a day, but there's no money for him. That has him really down and worried, and of course it affects our intimacy also...

Well, I hope we can still have a chance this month, I'm only in CD12, and my temps haven't rised enough yet, and CM isn't all that egg-white looking, but I'm afraid my mense arrives a little early...

Anyway, I'm getting to do some things that aren't allowed in pregnancy:
- I'm going to the beauty salon (that's how you call it??) monday, to cut and dye my hair (not dye completely, I have this things, mmm...like sections of hair that are lighter, but it looks very natural), because the doctor told SIL that you can't do that while pregnant.
- I plan to go to the dentist VERY soon, I think tomorrow, because that's another forbidden thing, and I'm starting to get a huge pain in one tooth.
- And maybe go to the dermatologist, because I think I have a "growing" mole (of course, I'm a little hypocondriac) that is getting on my nerves, specially after a friend told me about a friend of her husband who was just diagnosed skin cancer after discovering a malign mole.

Well, that's about it for now!

Hectic!

I've had an abrupt return to reality after my trip.

With this seminar, I just got to the office this afternoon, and there were 117 emails waiting to be read, sales persons eager to ask some information, and so on.

I was really really tense all day, at least, I don't have much problems working under pressure. In fact, I was pretty efficient today. Good for me! LOL.

Anyway, this weeks we're starting TTC number 4. I haven't had much time to get anxious, but sometimes there's this little "bug" telling me "last time you got pregnant on the 4th month", so this could be it. But if it don't, you know how it's gonna be for me.

Even with these thoughts, I moved my tomorrow's OB appointment to June 21st. I just couldn't bring myself to that "humilliation", you know that "deep inspection"...nope, I wasn't really prepared, I admit it. I think it has been a few over-tense weeks, and this appt was starting to freak me out. And of course, I still hope next month maybe will be a "pregnancy appt". Dreaming is worthless they say!!!

Well, that's about it for now. I hope things can come back to normal on the next days. I'll try to catch up with the other blogs now!!

Back and alive!!!

Yes! Of course, nothing happened.

I'm back from my trip, had a really wonderful time, bought a LOT of stuff, so I'm really cool now.

The "plane" experience was incredibly better than expected. I mean, come on, the flight lasted 35 minutes! LOL! Anyway it was all really good and I really didn't have time to think about TTC or anything. Just a tiny tiny jealousy feeling to see pregnant women (what is it with the world, I really didn't know there were so many people pregnant!!!), but nothing to worry about!!

Well, that's for now, I hope I can write more these following days, I'm having a seminar monday and tuesday, but anyway I'll try to get into blogland!!

See ya!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!

Well, I was really really positively surprised by your early message Lorem !!! You're really so so nice!!!!!!

And thanks also to you and K. for your good vibes on my trip. I didn't know you were afraid of flying Lorem (and funny your husband thought about his birthday!!), and K., I know your hubby is a pilot, so you handle a lot of information that of course comes in very handy!!!!

Well, my birthday so far has been pretty cool (it's only 10 am!!). E waked me up with a huge hug (one of the greatest things of being married is getting those early hugs!!), and then went off to set the table. So he sang me, I blew the candles, and then opened my presents: a wallet, a mirror (full body, I didn't have one!), a book and some pantyhose, and underwear because he considered I was always complaining about my lack of those LOL!!! So he was really really the cutest!!!

Well, I've yet gotten some phone calls, some emails, and some presents (my sales person, and 2 friends from here). Yes, finally it's pretty great to have a birthday!!!!

Also, yesterday with E we talked a lot about my fears, my worries, etc, and it was really good for me to calm down, so now I'm (I think for the first time) starting to get excited about the trip!!!!

Thank you so much for the birthday wishes!!!

Increasingly nervous

Ok, I'm like 36 hours away from my trip, and I'm starting to get REALLY REALLY nervous, I'm like 90% of the time thinking about that, trying to think about next week without the "IF I come back safe" part...but it's getting more and more difficult...I'm having horrible thoughts, imagining the worst things, and that's been going on all day.

I really think I would be relieved if something prevented me from going (something like for example a terrible last minute flu, or something like that), but then again I feel horrible to be so stupid, instead of being happy and looking forward to something that for most of humans is absoulte fun, here I am, feeling like crap....

And being my birthday tomorrow, isn't helping a bit!!!!

I think I'm starting to be really monothematic on these, but I can't help it, it's like I need so badly to put this thoughts here, because when I talk about them, they sound so irrational that I can calm down for a while.

I think I'd rather be waiting for 2 ww, I mean, YES I'd definitively prefer that, but that's another thing I have a hard time waiting for it to come.

Please, please, please think of me and pray or cross your fingers that everything will turn out just fine!!!!!

Lousy day

First of all thanks Lorem for your cute thoughts, it really made me smile in the middle of this horrible day.

Ok. I'm exaggerating a bit, but you know those days when you feel like shed? I think it's only "PMS" without the "P" part, but the thing is I'm feeling very angry and at the same time very sad. Totally hormones I think.

See, I'm in those days when you feel nobody understands you, specially (in this case) my husband, who only sees a complaint from me, and can't seem able to see where I'm getting: please, I need some extra attention today!! But he doesn't seem to get it, so he gets mad at me for being such a "worrier". Only because I told him that I was a little "resented" because he kept giving priority to these friends we have instead of me (meaning "you answer their mails before mine, and you give short monosyllable answers to mine). Stupid ha? Yes, I know, but I am not really in a good mood today, and naive me thought he was going to manage that. But he didn't.

Well, hope this thing passes by, specially considering my birthday and my trip!!

Nervous week

Now that this month's TTC turned out to be unsuccesful, now my never-ending worried mind is focusing more and more on the trip.

The only difference from last week is that now my nervous state is more like a pre-missing E, I'm very sure now that all my fears have to do more with being without him 4 days (well, 3 days considering I come back sunday morning) than anything else. I still get random thoughts about the plane crashing (I admit yesterday I checked up the airport's page as to see if the flight I should've been in (because originally we were going to travel this last week) had arrived ok. I'm crazy, I know), but whenever I start thinking about that, I try to remember all the tips I've read to calm down. "plane can fly alone, there's no need for a pilot to be there, it's just for extra security" "everything in the plane is thought as to be a lot more sure than actually necessary""a plane flying is like a cork in the water", and so on. And of course, I try to rationalize my fears, trying to remember my fears originate in being away from E.

Anyway, I'm still nervous about all this. And to top that all, there's my birthday coming. Although it's nice to have a birthday, I still get a little "shy" thinking of people in the office saying happy birthday, and singing and all that...

Well, I only hope time goes by fast, and that I can manage to relax in Mendoza, have a nice time with my mom and sister, and everyone, and that I can come back home on Sunday safe!!!

Yes, it's here...

My period I mean.

I got it today finally. I was really starting to believe there was actually "something there", because it was CD 31, and that's not usual for me.

But no, there it came, very evident in fact.

Well, I've had a "swingy" day, I've been very sad at times, but E has been really really great, supportive, understanding me, and really cute with me. So that has made me be a little calmer and happier, because I'm so so so happy to have a husband like mine.

That's the news for today. We've already agreed that this month will be "like monkeys" (sex like monkeys, it's like an expression here), as tired as we may be.

See ya'!!

Just to be sure

I'm just back from a really nice dinner we had with E (yes, we like to go out for dinner a lot). Now I left him at a place where he was going to meet his whole university generation (sociologists), no couples allowed.

I'm really tired, so I think I'm going to go to sleep very soon, but I wanted to leave this somewhat humilliating post.

I tested. BFN for me. Of course.

My only excuse is that I wanted to be really sure I wasn't pregnant as to have some alcohol without guilt. Also, I wanted to take some medicin for my "irritable intestine sindrome" because I had a bad stomachache, so just to be sure I did the test.

Of course I shouldn't have done that, because it was so evident that there was nothing there. But that high temp confused me, that's why I wanted to be sure.

The only good thing is that only after I had the result, I commented to E, in a "so loose" way, trying to sound completely un-upset about it. So at least I didn't drag him to my impulsiveness like other times.

But that attitude lasted like 10 minutes, because on the way to the restaurant I was very near to break down.

Luckily, there's nothing a good meal and a good conversation can't fix LOL. And E told me about his good friend, whose girlfriend cheated on him (that didn't surprise me much because I've never liked that girl), and E's friend was so sad and thinking he would be alone forever and all that. So that got us thinking that we are indeed very lucky (or blessed, as you prefer to see it) in a lot of ways, specially to have each other. I insist that we're "above media" in terms of loving each other and a lot of people comments me what a good couple we make, how lucky I am to have E and everything.

So at least, that lousy comparison made me a little more confident on this next month TTC. This will be the 4th month, that's when I got pregnant last year. Hopefully it will be the same this time, only without the m/c of course.

Sweet dreams for everyone!!

I'm growing up!!

Today I had lunch with my mother (at her house, it's like 20 min away from my job), and my big brother was there too. It was really great because I could have some time with him without the annoying comments of SIL.

The best thing of all was that my mom had bought some clothes for the baby (first clothes!!), and she gave them to my brother, who opened the presents with such care and happiness that I felt really really happy for him.

So I'm growing up because I didn't feel a bit jealous, on the contrary, I felt so proud of my brother, and thinking yeah! I'm having a nephew!!! And he also told me that he hadn't felt this happy since a loooong loong time, so that cheered me up even more!!!

At least something good don't you think?

Anyway, my mom is upsettingly insisting that I will have twin girls. I don't know where she got that idea, but everytime the baby subject arises, she starts "well, and then come your twins". Today I told her that with luck I'll have 1 baby, there's no way they will be twins.

Well, my mood is really up right now thanks to my brother!!

UPDATE: AGAIN

Yes, this is like a "yetta" (you know? when you say "Oh we've had some good weather" and next day it starts to rain like hell).

I told you about my temps and all that, went to the bathroom and yes, surprise, when I wiped, there was the damn brownish CM I hate so much.

I'm so sick of this thing, I swear, I'm sick of keeping my hopes up even when there's so much evidence!!!

Anyway, I need to solve the thing with the temping, I think I'm not getting my period today, but tomorrow, this is just a "coming soon" warning.

Sorry, I'd love to post some good news, but I think no, there's no chance!

I'm going to buy OPK right now!!

Temping...

So I couldn't resist it and took my temp today. You could think what's the use if I haven't temped for the rest of the month.

See, last year when I was TTC (before chemical pregnancy), I was taking my temps everyday. Afterwards I left it 1st because my dr said it wasn't at all a precise method and 2nd because he said it was just stressing me. E and I also thought so, so that's why I didn't take my temp anymore.

Anyway, I managed to discover my temping pattern. My temps are really lower than normal people (96.4 ºF (I had to convert that, I use ºC)), so I know any temp above 97.3 it's high for me. Today my temp was 97.5, so I know it's still high.

I told E I took it just to see if I had to put on a "pad", but he really didn't believe me LOL.

Well, but having my temp up doesn't mean anything, because according to FF, and according to my own estimations, I should get my period tomorrow, probably in the afternoon.

So, I decided that tomorrow I will take my temp, if it's up, I'll test. Because as much as FF says that testing day is tomorrow, it's pretty humilliating to test and get your period like 2 hours later (I have done that).

I still don't know what is it with me and my hopes, I'm getting cramps, yesterday I was really sensitive, irritable, with the headache I told you about, and my bbs are sore ok, but I don't think they're bigger, and I think they're not THAT sore as they should be if I were pregnant.

Well, finally I managed to get anxious, I was so proud of myself that I was hanging on so well. But the good thing is I'm feeling pretty confident about my trip, I think as the other worries are going away, pregnancy is getting stronger and stronger.

I'll let you know but really, don't get your hopes up, I'm pretty sure there's nothing there (I even had a beer yesterday! just to "cheat" my anxiety)....

Getting better in the flight issue

First of all, thanks bbc for your support!!!! I know there's still a tiny little hope, specially because I've continued to go to the bathroom (yes, I'm peeing a lot, but that's usual for me), and no signs of spotting or anything like that, it was just the dirtyness this morning. Anyway, I'm getting a HUGE headache right now, that's also a sign my period is undeniably close, and I'm on a stupid-mood also!

Well, but the thing I wanted to comment was that I think I found the reason of my flight-terror. I mean, I know I'm somehow a control freak and being on a plane makes me feel "out of control", but as I've been reading a lot on this subject, and somewhere I read that many times the flight-terror is not that, but another kind of phobia or something.

So I was thinking about that, and yes, I think I'm most "dreadful" of leaving E alone, not because I think he'll do something bad or anything, but I don't know well, maybe I'm scared of not having him "where my eyes can see him". I know I'm sounding like the worst possesive person in the world, but of course I'm exaggerating, I think it's the idea to be far from him that makes me uneasy. That, and of course this TTC that has me really stressed out and all.

So to sum up, I think on one hand leaving E here and going somewhere without him, and on the other hand, a lot of tension I have been gathering over the last months, are all canalyzing in the trip, and as ridiculous as it may seen, to discover that makes me a lot calmer, so much that I'm not even thinking the plane will crash anymore, because in some way I found the real thing that's bugging me.

I insist, I'm not that possesive or untrustable, but changes have never been well tolerated by me, I mean I get all sorts of strange reactions, stomachaches, headaches, grumpiness, and so on, because I need some time to adjust. I know this is a temporary and pretty short change, but anyway it's something different.

I hope I continue to discover more things, as to get to the plane as calm as possible!!!

I thought so...

Well, this morning I had some "dirtyness" when I cleaned myself.

Obviously, PMS signs, as you can see my previous posts.

So, another month goes by and I'm just as I started.

Yes, I'm starting to get monothematic and boring, but I really can't help it, I'm starting to convince myself I will never be able to get pregnant.

Worst of all, E is not in his best moment, he's having trouble to sleep, has been nauseous some weeks now, I think there's something wrong with his sugar levels again, so this morning we went to take him some exams, because I think that's affecting our TTC journey also.

Well, you know how this day goes, moaning and getting upset and all. I don't think I'll get my period today, but probably tomorrow or saturday morning, at the most.

The only different thing I can tell about is that I've already decided to by those OPK, but I'm thinking if I wait till I really get my period (just in case) or buy them right away as to receive them sooner. I think I'll do that, in the worst (or best) of the cases I won't use them now but they last 2 years, so then I can use them. But of course, I will have to use them next month, I can't believe I'm still hoping!!!

Lousy post, I'm sorry!

Amazingly calm

OK, now I'm really proud of myself.

Although I'm still thinking about TTC and all, I'm really not at all anxious. I think it's because my chances this month are lower, so it would be a really nice surprise that I was finally pregnant.

But I really don't think so. As yesterday, I haven't found any "strange" symptoms, and when I did got pregnant last year, I knew several days before because there were some unusual things going on with my body. I know there are a lot of women that don't have early symptoms at all, but I think it won't be my case.

Anyway, I'm amazed because tomorrow is CD28, but I'm so focused on saturday (according to FF, that day is testing day) that I realized yesterday that tomorrow would be a normal starting period day.

I only hope this new calm-me continues for months to come, because it seems it will be indeed a long journey TTC.

As for my flight-terror, today another plane crashed, so that makes the 3 that I told you about some days before. On one hand I felt "relieved" (of course it's terrible for all those people that died!! but you know what I mean), but then I panicked again thinking, well, there are indeed planes that crash, where's the security in flying then!! Last year there were 6 plane crashes. How many flights? I don't remember but it's several millions, so yes, chances are reeeeally low, but they do exist. That's what bugs me most. BUT, I'm really better on that matter, trying to see this trip as a trip more than a terrifying experience. I still regret the wedding I missed last year because I was so sure that plane was going to crash, and of course nothing happened, so I don't want to be regretting this trip also.

That will be the news for today...only 1 week to my 28th birthday!!

Countdown

Well, amazingly I'm only 4 days from testing day, I really can't believe time has gone by so fast!

I'm making a HUGE effort to stay calm and anxious-less, trying not to be so aware of symptoms and even if I notice something "strange", I try to put that thought in the back of my mind. I'm really behaving like a good girl LOL.

And of course, there's the trip issue that has kept my mind totally busy, but well, I'm working on that now. I'm concentrating in thinking that I'm not that important that everything has to happen to me you know? So why should I be the one "marked"? It's really difficult, specially given the fact that I'm always thinking about tragic things that could happen to me or my loved ones, only because there are things that've happened to others. Of course, there's nothing that special with me that will prevent me from having bad times, but most likely I won't be part of "spectacular tragedies". Hopely!

Will keep you informed!